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Can't Wrap My Head Around It

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FoggedIn posted 8/15/2013 14:57 PM

Oh where to start???

5 days ago I went to meet my husband of 12 years who had travelled out of town for a business meeting the day before. As I pulled back the sheets moments before we were going to spend some "quality" time together, there it was, staring me in the face. Mascara, smeared all over the bed, and long black hair, almost left there on purpose. He denied it, claimed it was bad housekeeping. I had a couple of drinks and he refused to let me leave, I'm glad I didn't because the truth came in the morning. I did however sleep on the couch. However, he was able to snuggle up comfortably in the tainted sheets.

Morning came, I examined the sheets further, found clearer evidence of what occurred. Insisted I see his email account, he agreed, because he thought he had deleted everything. Inbox, almost empty, deleted items, empty, but the sent items, he wasn't smart enough to delete. And there it was, the hook up. He tried to lie, realized he couldn't, as I tried to investigate further to determine how far in advance this 'arrangement' was set up, he shut the laptop, said I was hurting enough, and it didn't matter. I wish now I was thinking clear enough to have pushed further and demanded the laptop access. I'm afraid I would've found more. More 'hookups', more lies, more whatever! But I didn't, in that moment, I couldn't. He was devastated, you could see it in his face, I don't know if it was from being caught or from seeing what he had done to me.

I left, I got in my car & I drove as far as I could, across 2 states! 500 miles from home.

Now, 5 days later, I'm so confused & there are so many unanswered questions. I still don't feel like I have the whole truth, he swears he's been honest. He deleted everything in his email, so now I can't dig to find out answers. He says he is willing to do any and everything to put our relationship back together. He wants this to work and he wants us to be happy and it to be forever.

I guess I'm so confused because this is the happiest we've been in our entire relationship. Our sex life is amazing! Seriously, we have sex 6-7 a week, nothing is off limits. We have an good relationship in other areas of our life too, we've learned to communicate with each other. I'm 15 years younger than he is, I take good care of myself, I take good care of our family. I'm just so confused!!!

I need a WHY? Why does this happen? Why does a man pay for sex when he can have all the mind blowing sex he wants, with an attractive woman at home?

I'm sure this post is all over the place, I guess my head is all over the place, I can't think straight, I can't sleep, I can't eat.... oh you all know the song and dance!

heartache101 posted 8/15/2013 15:10 PM


Just because he deleted it doesn't mean it can not be retrieved from his computer.

I am no computer expert by any means. But from what I hear you should be able to take the hard drive to a specialist and see what they find.

If he really says it is the truth then have him hand it over and take it to someone that can pick it apart.

Also have him take a polygraph.

He made sure you would never find out anything else. He thinks his little world is safe because he deleted it. Dig girl Dig.

mchercheur posted 8/15/2013 15:35 PM

Welcome to SI. So sorry you had to find yourself here, as we all are, but you will find a lot of help & support here.
What you are feeling is completely normal. Read everything in the healing library, and take care of yourself. Spend a little time here before you make any decisions. Sending you strength & hugs.
We all know how you feel.

meplusfour posted 8/15/2013 16:22 PM

I'm so sorry. Please do not take responsibility for you WH's A. Your WH's actions are not the result of your looks, actions or personality. He is solely responsible for going outside your M to satisfy his needs. His actions do not reflect anything lacking in yourself, please remember that. In short, your WH did this because he was selfish and placed his needs above your trust in him and your M.

With respect to the laptop and emails, you mentioned that there are so many unanswered questions. Does that mean that your WH is holding back or refusing to answer questions? Are you able to access the email account or laptop? Information can be retrieved, even if the user has deleted it. Even if he swears that he is telling the truth, the laptop/emails can be used to verify his story. I would strongly suggest that you get access to the laptop and retrieve those messages.

It sounds like your WH is saying the right things (wants to work it out, be happy) but are his actions showing his intentions? Has he gone NC with the OW, verified by you? Has he given you access to his phone and passwords? Is he willing to go to IC and MC to figure out the reasons for his A. As suggested by others, read the articles in the Healing Library ( yellow box, left corner of screen), there is so much wisdom and sound advice in it.

Finally, take care of yourself and your little ones. If you cannot sleep, go see your physician who will be able to prescribe something to help. Try and eat, smoothies are something that are relatively easy to prepare and keep down. Drink plenty of fluids. Right now, you are in shock and you will need your strength to get through this, one way or another. Keep posting and reading here, SI is what kept me sane and continues to keep me sane.

Sending you strength and will.

FoggedIn posted 8/15/2013 16:23 PM


Problem with the email situation is it's a yahoo account. Deleted is deleted the way I understand it. I have obtained all the .dat files from his hard drive (I'm a techie myself) but I run on a Mac, so I need to get to a PC so I can go through the hard drive files to see what I find. It will only be internet files and things like that, I don't expect I'll find email records, but I may get lucky.

At this point, honesty would go so far in figuring out what's next, if there is a next.

I thought I would immediately kick him out when I got home, but I didn't & I don't know why. It's like I don't want him here, but I don't want him gone. I don't know what I want!!
I guess this soon, I don't know anything!!

I know I need to talk to somebody, he's the only person I've talked to & I'm not saying all I need to say or getting all my feelings out, & he's definitely not going to help me figure out how to put one foot in front of the other right now!

FoggedIn posted 8/15/2013 16:38 PM


I can access the laptop, his email was logged in yesterday and I was on it. Today it is logged out. I will ask for his password. It's a Yahoo account, which doesn't necessarily leave traces on the hard drive of the message content. And he did empty the deleted items as well. I will research further if there is a way to recall deleted items.
I asked him again why he shut the laptop so quickly because I felt like he was preventing me from finding out more information. He stuck to the story that he saw how bad I was hurting and didn't want it to continue.

His actions are so far, in line with him wanting R. The OW, was a hooker from craigslist or some escort service, so I'm not too concerned at the moment about NC. I did however find her email address in his account, I remembered her 'code name' when I saw the emails arranging the meeting. He thought he deleted her address as well, but when I was in his email yesterday, I found it in the deleted addresses box.

He has been very doting, trying to be helpful where he can. Tries to comfort when I cry (a lot!). But doesn't actually want to talk about the A. He doesn't ask me not to talk about it, he just talks around it. He keeps telling me I need to shut my mind off. Admittedly, I think a lot. But right now, I'm afraid my imagination is worse than the reality, but I don't know the reality, so all I'm left with is my imagination.
I can't really begin to try and wrap my head around it, unless I really know what it is!
And like I've said to him, unless I know he is 100% truthful with me, it's a no go! period!

Jospehine85 posted 8/15/2013 17:24 PM

Please go get tested for STDs and do not under any circumstances have unprotected sex with your WH until he is tested and tests negative.

Also, since his last encounter was just a week ago, it will be 4-6 months before you will know if he is completely free of HIV.

You know he shut that laptop to hide things from you. Upon discovery, all waywards go in to "cover my ass" mode. They minimize, delete and hide evidence.

If you have caught him with one prostitute, you know there were others.

He wants you to rugsweep this. Don't. That won't be safe for you.

FoggedIn posted 8/15/2013 18:41 PM

Even in the midst of what I feel like is his continued lack of honesty, I need him.

I know I don't need him, but I need him. I can go on without him if I want to, but I don't. There's a part of me that wants to hate him so bad, but I don't, & I don't understand why! And it's killing me! It's literally ripping me apart inside trying to figure out why I feel like I do!!

It doesn't make any sense! My heart physically hurts from what he's done, I haven't slept since Thursday, I can't remember when I ate, or if I've gone more than an hour without crying, but yet I sit and wait for him to come through the door.

I'm an idiot!

painpaingoaway posted 8/15/2013 19:31 PM

I'm an idiot!
No sweetie, you are not an idiot. You have been severely traumatized, and you are in shock.

While in such a state, we naturally reach out to those around us for comfort, and unfortunately, that happens to be your H, the one that has hurt you.

Sadly, I'm afraid there is much more to his story. Much, much more. Suddenly shutting down the laptop, and then deleting everything is nothing more than trying to cover his tracks.

Get to your doctor immediately and be tested. BOTH of you.

I am so sorry.

Jospehine85 posted 8/15/2013 22:44 PM

I know I don't need him, but I need him. I can go on without him if I want to, but I don't. There's a part of me that wants to hate him so bad, but I don't, & I don't understand why! And it's killing me! It's literally ripping me apart inside trying to figure out why I feel like I do!!

You are reaching out to the person who is supposed to have your back. Unfortunately he is also the one who abused you.

I imagine this is what children abused by their parents feel like.

(((FoggedIn))) what you are feeling is quite normal. Please start reading in the Healing Library. You will find it in the yellow box in the upper left corner of the web page.

Also, keep reading the forums and you will see your reactions are completely normal.

RIght now, I would highly recommend that you demand transparency and honesty from your WH starting YESTERDAY. The longer he hides info and lies, the longer it will take for you to heal.

If your WH won't be honest and transparent with you, I would recommend you toss him out. If he can't do that for you, you will never be safe with him.

FoggedIn posted 8/16/2013 16:57 PM

I finally got some answers last night.

He agreed (which I didn't need his 'approval' but decided to ask because I was interested in his response) to let me request to have the deleted email restored.
He divulged all that I would see in those emails before they were restored. He was truthful about it, which I verified one the restoration happened.
It was a rough rough night. It did not start off well. He refused immediately when I asked to have the emails restored, he said it wouldn't resolve anything and was unnecessary. Then it turned into "It would hurt you more than you're already hurting" I assured him that was almost impossible!
I reminded him in all the articles, posts and help that I have read and even the things he has sent me, they all say "If she asks as question, answer it truthfully, every time!"
That's how I function, the unknown is always worse than the known in my head! If I know, then I can eventually close the book on it, the lies and deception forever will never be a closed book!
Eventually he understood & gave me the information I needed. Yes it hurt, it still hurts & it will hurt for a while I am sure!!!!!
But now I hope I can try and process it.
I hope this is the beginning of the process in general.
Hoping to schedule counseling next week.
Is it too soon to go to counseling?
Should we start in MC or IC?

FoggedIn posted 8/16/2013 17:00 PM

Side Note & Question

I scheduled STD testing....... 3 weeks from now!! makes me mad that's as quick as I could get in.

Question is, today I started spotting, 8 days after I stopped my period. I never spot! Is it the stress, no sleep, no food?

sailorgirl posted 8/19/2013 16:26 PM

Stress causes all kinds of physical responses. If you continue to have trouble eating and sleeping, tell your doctor!

My recommendation would be to start with IC for each of you, and require your H to read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald. It's short and excellent.

When you feel stable and your H is ready to be willingly truthful and forthcoming, then you could consider MC for the purpose of communicating about his problems (lying, cheating, taking risks, seeking intimacy free sex etc.)

meplusfour posted 8/19/2013 17:32 PM

I would start with IC. Right now, your focus is on healing yourself enough to think about whether you even want to R. You have gone through so much in the past few days by discovering painful truths about the state of your M. Give yourself some time and space to recover from the shock of your WH's A. I would also strongly suggest that WH start IC to address the issues that led him to seeking solace outside his relationship with you.

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