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Newest Member: sawallthesigns (46001)

User Topic: WS new job - boundaries/safety advice please
mountainmomma
♀ 34388
Member # 34388
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all
Im looking for ideas, opinions, some help regarding ws new work sitch, my comfort levels, boundaries, safety etc. Im sure there are some of you who have navigated this before so look forward to receiving your replies.
Ws has just taken over a locksmiths biz in the next town along from us (about 7 min drive away). He is in the shop mon- fri 9-5 and sat from 10-2. He also gets a lot of jobs come up that he has to do after shop hours, that are in other areas, commercial properties and at people’s houses. These outside jobs are a must for the overall profit of the biz, the shop takings alone would not be enough and is not something he cannot do earning wise.
Here is my conundrum: There will be days that he has no after work jobs and days that some come up out the blue, some are prebooked appointments (to fit a safe in someones house etc), now, I know I cannot control him, if he is going to cheat again there is nothing I can do to stop it, im aware of that, and if he were to cheat again, im confident and know in my heart the kids and I would be fine as we were before when we were blindsided. There would be no 3rd chances.
Of course I wonder “if” he would use the cover story of a “job” to book an appointment with a hooker after work, or meet up with one of his old ones, perhaps one of the jobs he may go to in the future will be in the area some of them lived and he may even bump into old prostitute/s he used to see. I know I cant control that.
I feel like im not making myself very clear here so what im trying to say is:
I asked him the other day what plans he has regarding money trails so I can see he is not syphoning off biz money to fund the extra curricular activities like he did in the past – his answer was that ill have full access to his bank, he has to do x readings on the till every day that need to match his books, all moneys paid by card will show and he has to give receipts out so all £ will be accounted for.
I also asked him what plans he has regarding after work jobs and if asked being able to show me is is where he says he is on the after work jobs, could he show me job sheets as to the address he went to and match up with the receipt etc. (as a side I do have find my iphone if I needed to check but its dosnt always work) He said that sometimes he will be able to match up receipts with job sheets, but that sometimes he will go to an after work job and it may be something he can’t fix or replace in his capacity as a locksmith, or he may have to order a part and return there again to fit it so although he went there, no £ may be earned and there won’t be a receipt.
He said “ Well mountainmomma you’ll just HAVE to trust me. I felt a little cornered by this statement as I felt he was basically saying “you’ll HAVE to believe me if it’s a job that I went to and couldn’t do and or I have to go back there.
He’s right in some ways, I guess ill HAVE to take his word for it. But I feel like in some ways im being an accomplice to (potentially) having the wool pulled over my eyes again if he chooses to play up again and cheat.
I also don’t want to be his police and watch his every move, I don’t want to live my life like that…there may be times I do a “spot check” using find my iphone, but I don’t want it to rule me or affect my mind too much or detract from MY day with the KIDS. Part of me feels somewhat worried that he (might, now or in the future) see the after work jobs as a great opportunity to cheat again, despite his utter detestment to that and him “saying” he’s never going down that road again….and, like I said I know I can’t control that if he chose to do it.
Part of me wants to check up at times and part of me thinks why bother?.
Part of me doubts myself and I wonder if my “why bother” attitude is healthy or if its giving up on myself and not protecting myself from (potential) further attacks so to speak. Gaslighting myself?. In denial?. I dunno.

Im also not comfortable with being like a mother, clock watching, checking up a lot and fretting about stuff I logically know I have no control over and still unsettles me IYKWIM?. At the end of the day it’s up to him to police himself.
I hope this makes sense to everyone.
If anyone was in a similar sitch, what boundaries/requests/evidence did you make/request/set up from WS or what did WS offer you to ease your mind and for clarity/safety/verifying purposes that worked and helped you. Im just not too happy with his statement of “You’ll have to trust me”. I feel vunerable still.
I feel I need to be clear from the off (of this biz) as to whats required, but arn’t sure what im requiring in some ways without coming across as the police or that im laying myself open for potential further attacks. Some happy medium?.
As an example today he txts me and says
“got 1 job in abc town at 5.30”.
There are times this may turn into 3 different jobs, (like today) if another one comes up, or no jobs if the original one gets cancelled for example.
I guess Im a bit jittery as pre d.day he would say he was going to be late and id be like “yeah cool look forward to seeing you when you’ve finished, don’t work too hard!” and of course it’d be a cover for him going to see a prostitute. He was as cool as a cucumber and I would never have suspected a thing, I guess my fears stem from knowing what he is capeable of.
Sorry to be a bit over the place, if anyone needs any clarification ill do my best.
Thank you again for taking the time out of your day to read this
Love and light xx
MM


Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: U.K
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We made good use of a camera with a time stamp.
1 a picture of the shop when he leaves
2 a picture of the outside of the location of the job when he arrives
3 a picture of the job itself midway through so you know he is working
4 a picture of the outside of the job when he leaves
5 a picture when he gets home or back to the shop.

The proof is all on him. You can check them if you want or not. But whenever you do want they are there.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2691 | Registered: Aug 2012
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Chicho. Picture logs should help. It would be MUCH harder to forge those than to just take pics as he goes.

I'm a little confused, because it sounds like on one hand he's offering up anything you ask for (bill records, phone records) but the whole "you're backing me into a corner - you HAVE to trust me" comment doesn't jibe.

It's one thing if your proposal isn't feasible... it's another if he feels like he shouldn't have to prove himself.

You are right - it's healthier if you don't have to police him, for BOTH of your sakes. This new job venture is rife with opportunities to be sneaky, but it sounds like you two have a lot of logistical things in place. The other key ingredient is his general behavior. How are his boundaries in general? How does he interact with female acquaintances?

The whole no-third-chance thing makes sense, but something that is key to making it though this is seeing positive changes in his attitude. That's the only way that he's truly going to earn your trust, and make you feel like letting go of some things is not a bad idea,

(((mm)))


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Posts: 18661 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
doesitgetbetter
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We did pictures, however they were not predetermined pics because, let's be honest, he could just take a pic of a different room at a different time and text it to me and I would never know. (honestly, it never occurred to me to check his phone for the time/date stamp on those pics though) So the picture thing is the way to go.

My H is a cable guy, so he is in and out of people's homes all day long, and mostly it's women at home alone while H or boyfriend is working, and he has to go into their bedrooms even to do much of his TV work. His very first A was with a customer who just thought he was too hot to not have sex with. Anyway, after DDay he quit his job immediately. A few months later, the job he landed was moved overseas and he wasn't able to find anything else, so back to cable work he went. It was a VERY stressful time for me, but after working out a plan, it was much better!

If I was having an insecure moment, I would text him and say "send me a pic of your dashboard in the truck" or "send me a pic of the house numbers you're working on" or something random like that. He would immediately take the pic I asked for and send it to me. If he was on the roof taking a pic of the top of someone's house, I KNEW he wasn't having sex anywhere near that moment... so it made me feel safer.

We also came up with a plan for when HE felt insecure. Since he's already had one customer throw herself at him, we had to come up with a plan to handle that same situation that he could live with. So our solution? When he's feeling uneasy about being in someone's home, or the woman is talking about inappropriate stuff with him, he will simply call me and leave the phone on his hip and the line open. This way I know he's in a sticky situation, and he feels more confident and safe by having me "there" with him. He has actually utilized this method one time even, and it helped us both tremendously.

My H also scrounged away his tips to use to sign up for paid websites to hook up, so we have a "no cash" rule. If he gets a cash tip from a customer, he hands it right to me each time he gets it. He carries no cash at all. He has a debit card that has money he can use, and it's only gas and lunch that he buys on there, nothing else. He doesn't need anything else while out working. Of course I'm not stupid, I know he COULD still be getting tips and spending them, but I trust my gut when it tells me he's not, and he refuses any kind of cash even when I give it to him to use for lunches or whatnot.

So come up with a plan. You don't have to "just trust him", that's malarkey. Come up with a plan that you both can live with, it will actually make HIS life easier if he can agree with you on a plan as well.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
StrongerOne
♀ 36915
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he goes out on a job which doesn't generate a receipt, he should still (for business purposes as well as personal ones) be keeping track of where he went, why, result of the visit, etc.

When the plumber or electrician or computer guy comes to our house and it turns out we don't need work done and they're not charging us, we still sign a work sheet (w carbon, so we get a copy and they get a copy). It's got our name, address, phone #, reason they came out, resolution of the problem, statement of charges or that there was no charge. Has the workman's name on it, too.

He can do exactly the same.

You can match those to his book or ledger or excel spreadsheet keeping track of all calls/visits.

You can always spot check the legitimacy of any call/visit. Call em up! Pretend you are doing a follow up to see if they are satisfied with the work.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 904 | Registered: Sep 2012
mountainmomma
♀ 34388
Member # 34388
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chico, Jrazz and doesitgetbetter

Thank you so much for the replies, i feel very validsated and comforted by them.

Chico - yes i will ask him to do this - Im expecting some annoyance from him, even though he said "i can take pics if you want" (as they are date and area stamped on his iphone). Sometimes, even though he's suggested things, when it comes to actually DOING it he can become a somewhat annoyed and feels "controlled", but I will put it to him anyway, and see what comes up.

Jrazz

I'm a little confused, because it sounds like on one hand he's offering up anything you ask for (bill records, phone records) but the whole "you're backing me into a corner - you HAVE to trust me" comment doesn't jibe.

apologies for confusing you, yes, see as above. He will offer to do things, put forward suggestions, but actually seeing them through and seeing them through consistently (more to the point) is when the probs start. Hope this claryfies x.

The other key ingredient is his general behavior. How are his boundaries in general? How does he interact with female acquaintances?

Now this one is, for me, still a problem. just last month we had a big incident in a shop where boundaries, respect for me, my feelings, what I might think/feel or even how other women might think/feel even went right out the window. I posted on here about it the thread was called
"red flag or me being oversensetive" (don't know how to post a link?)

If you wish to or are able to spare the time to read it it explains alot, but in a nutshell NO i dont feel his interactions with other women are shored up and safe. I still have a strong gut feeling he behaves and speaks differently with other women, when I'm not around. Infact given last months incident in the shop I now actually feel much less safe with him as he did what he did in my prescence so WTF would he possibly do if I wasnt around - type of thing. whether he would cheat or not IDK, but to me it's still shaky ground, even more so if he found them attractive or they flirted with him.

hes very convincing with words but there are times that the actions don't match (sometimes when he's under pressure or stressed or people pleasing others etc.)

doesitgetbetter

I really like how you and your H have handled things, especially the part surrounding when HEfelt he was in a situation. That is definately something I'd like to speak with him about, as I dpubt he has even goven it any thought (based on several incidents that have happened this year and the fact he does not like to upset people or piss them off - be nice if he'dve thought of me in that way before jumping into infidelity land - but I digress....)

My WS also had an A wih a woman he met on a job when he used to be a plumber so i can relate totally to how you feel.

Your WHOLE POST resonates with me 100%. Thank you so very much indeed.

Thank you all once again.

I love this site xxx

[This message edited by mountainmomma at 4:17 PM, August 16th (Friday)]


Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: U.K
mountainmomma
♀ 34388
Member # 34388
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stronger one

Thank you very much for your post, thats a great idea, even if no job was done there is still a form of traceability. I will speak with him about this also.

Follow up courtesy call - a great idea!.

All of your responses are helping me formulate my requests/boundaries, Just reading them is helping me see things more clearly as to what I can do and we can do to build and move forward and for me to have some verification avenues too.

I just feel that I need to have firmer boundaries for my own peace of mind going forward.

So so greatfull to you all. I feel much lighter and less vunerable with all of your help.

love and light to you all
MM
x


Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: U.K
Topic Posts: 7

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