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Struggling - they still work together.

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pewpewpew posted 8/15/2013 17:05 PM

I'm past a year out from dday.
They work together. Every. Day.
How am I supposed to EVER feel safe again?
We get to where we are doing great R wise but I'm always two steps forward, one step backward - because of this.
I tell WH every day she needs to find a new job. It's not possible for him to leave - that's another story. I can't say too much reasoning without feeling my anonymity is jeopardized.
I know the A is over. I feel differently than I did when my gut was screaming.
I just hate knowing he sees her. Every day. Anytime he may feel lonely or unappreciated - she's there.
They had an understanding. Rules per say. She knew he wasn't leaving me and vice versa.
I cannot move forward knowing this. It eats at me.

rachelc posted 8/15/2013 17:44 PM

I really have no advice. I'm so sorry.
no, I don't think you can recover while they work together...
I couldn't do it.

pewpewpew posted 8/15/2013 17:46 PM

That's where I am at.

I try. I try not to "hang it over his head" per say but really?!?!
Does he really think I am able to recover while they are 10 feet away from each other?
I honestly believe he feels it will "go away" after awhile...

TxsT posted 8/15/2013 17:54 PM


Even though I am blessed not to have this situation it hasn't stopped me from having the dicussion with my RWH. I have told him that, if we hadn't moved away and he didn't have a new job that there would be no way in hell I would ever be able to get over the A. I too would be lost in wonder of a ReA. She was the aggressor. To be honest I don't think my H could work near her either. He is quite ill at the fact that she was so weasly and manipulative during the A.


Scubachick posted 8/15/2013 18:19 PM

It sucks...I'm in the same situation. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that is paying for their mistakes. They lost nothing and changed nothing. Any chance she'll leave on her own? Can he fire her?

pewpewpew posted 8/15/2013 18:22 PM

No. And he kept saying anytime now, she'll quit.
A year later...

OldCow18 posted 8/15/2013 18:54 PM

I'm in the exact situation as well. I can't take it. Their secret is safe, their lives go on as normal. Are they still pawing at eachother behind closed office doors? I don't *think* so, but I really don't know, how can I? I can't even stand it. I feel this will be a big obstacle for R for us as well.

ILINIA posted 8/15/2013 19:57 PM

I get it. My WH and OW are 30 feet apart at the work place. The have meetings together almost everyday and exchange several emails daily.

I do believe it is done, but I just don't like that he still spends more time "with" her than me and that who knows what his is thinking every time he sees her. Does he like her outfit? Is she wearing a sundress to catch his eye? Does she make cute little inside jokes when they are in meetings or passing in the halls. It drives me crazy.

It has been two months and I still make him "report" to me each morning about what meetings they will have together and when. If they have meetings just with each other the door has to stay open and he has to call/text me immediately. At night he tell me about any other interactions.

I told him that I will not R if they are still on the same team. He has started the discussions to move teams.

I do feel for you, are they any other solutions? Different hours? Move desks? Change roles?

mchercheur posted 8/15/2013 20:13 PM

Same here as well. 2 yrs 3 mos post Dday, & every single day when he leaves for work I wonder if they will see each other at work. WH claims that he has been transferred to another part of the building from OW, but how can I really know, I am not there & I don't have a spy inside the building. My gut is not screaming the same way as it was during the A, but it doesn't take much ( like if he is 5 min late coming home, or doesn't answer his cellphone at lunchtime) to make me get really paranoid.
I too believe that this has really hindered our R. My WH also has specific reasons that he can not leave this job which I believe are legitimate(its a very specialized job.)

Their secret is safe, their lives go on as normal

Yep, this too. WH did go thru having to live separately from our family for half a year after Dday &he has had to make a few changes, & is still going to MC with me. But OW has gone on with her life seemingly unscathed. In fact , I hear things are going great for her.
How is this fair?

[This message edited by mchercheur at 8:14 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

stillsad1970 posted 8/15/2013 23:06 PM

I am in the same situation, it kills me every min of the day WH is at work.
I'm sorry I cant give advice, I need some myself.

brainless twit posted 8/15/2013 23:10 PM

I'm in sort of R, sort of limbo with my XWH. First A was with a coworker, and second A was also with a coworker at a different job (who happens to be the first OW's cousin). Talk about trigger city!

Anyway, this time around, I didn't realize it was a PA at first. I just thought it was an EA (don't we all?) and he supposedly ended it. Then when I discovered the PA, I also found out that he had been continuing both the EA and PA the entire time. I'm not saying it's impossible for an A to stop when the two involved still work together, but I think it's very unlikely.

When it came down to it, XWH walked away from his job. Literally just walked out and didn't go back. I know that's not an option for everyone but I am so grateful it was for us. If he was still working with her, there's no way we would even be speaking right now. Hugs to everyone who is dealing with this because I know all too well how difficult it is.

Saleschick posted 8/15/2013 23:13 PM

Same situation as well.
Problem is my long time partner owns a small business and the OW works in the very next office. I kept hearing the tune...she will be quitting. Another employee told her to do the right thing and leave but I do not think she ever will. In fact, the other employee decided to leave in part over the stress of the situation.

LivingALie posted 8/16/2013 07:20 AM

I hear all of you. I was in the same situation - my H continued to work with OW for TWO AND HALF YEARS post DDay!

It was a struggle every. single. day.

Sure, the PA affair can be over but as long as they see each other every day and have any sort of contact the affair really isn't over. So many people here said that and its so true.

I get that its not so easy to leave a job - my H had a very specialized job - only 64 jobs of its type in the state! He finally did get another job. That first Monday he didn't go to his old job - oh boy - it felt so good. He has been gone from the old job a year now and even he says that his thinking was not what it should have been while he continued to work with her. NOW he gets it.

And its true - REAL reconciliation didn't begin until she was completely out of our lives. How could it?

I think I can posted 8/16/2013 07:27 AM

Do people in the workplace know about the affair?
Do you go and visit him at work?
What does he do to reassure you? Access to emails, reports of contact, etc.......


pewpewpew posted 8/16/2013 07:53 AM

Yes a lot of people know. Some I'm sure believe their lies, that they were just friends and I'm a crazy jealous wife. Some I know we're in on it. Helping them cover their asses.
It is a family run business and I did out them to his family.
It has caused strain on my relationship with the in-laws since they allow her to continue working there.
I'm sure they are afraid of a lawsuit but oh well.
I do stop in sometimes - not often enough though. She has actually tried speaking to me!

Card posted 8/16/2013 08:11 AM

Sure, the PA affair can be over but as long as they see each other every day and have any sort of contact the affair really isn't over. So many people here said that and its so true.

That's right....

The AP's trigger everyday.

Family business? And she's still there? What a shitty family.
Why can't H leave? Start his own business or move and work elsewhere? Is he under some sort of contract or is it just 'family' means more to him than his wife?

Changed72 posted 8/16/2013 09:52 AM

Same situation here. At least now they don't have see each other. She tells me when she does see them, and they avoid each other.
Nobody knows about it at work, and it does feel like they ( the AP's) got away with it.
I also wonder if any coworkers notice they don't talk anymore. They used to go to the cafe together and walks during lunch.
This by far is the biggest hurdle for R for me. It would be such a huge relief for her to get another job, or if the AP's were struck by lightning.

Scubachick posted 8/16/2013 13:10 PM

Pew pew,

Ours is a family business as well. I didn't tell my inlaws anything because they will use it against us some how. No one in the family gets along very well. Family and business do not go well together. My MIL asked my husband if we were having problems the other day and my husband said just some communication issues. Then she asked if there was a problem with "that girl" so she knows something. I did get involved with the business once I suspected something. I made it so they don't work together unless I'm there. She also has to report back to me now instead of my husband. I don't think many people know but I'm sure some suspect. As itís obvious when their level of contact and communication dropped from excessive to none and his wife steps in. I'm sure employee's are looking at me like the crazy, jealous wife that won't let her husband communicate wih his manager anymore but I can live with that.

I think I can posted 8/16/2013 13:25 PM

What about his attitude? What does he do to reassure you?

pewpewpew posted 8/16/2013 14:18 PM

He really doesn't do much to reassure me.
All he says is that all communication has ended. He says they do not talk. Period.
How can I believe that?
There is no work email, he comes home for lunch and also is home right after work.
During the A, he was coming home 1-1/2 hours later than normal.
I have the find my iPhone app on his phone. I'm 90% sure the A is over.

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