I didn't hear the doorbell, and of course the key didn't work bc I changed the locks. So I see him sneaking into the back yard, where I am on the phone, and then I said "go away, you need to leave" and he starts saying "are you denying me entry into my home? I have a legal right and you are denying my legal rights." and he was mad mad mad at me. He looked like a lunatic. I am scared, shaking, ready to throw up.
Thank god my SIL, who I was speaking with on the phone called him and told him to leave me alone. He kept ranting about his legal rights and she said "good, go down to the police station and explain the story and see what they tell you...." as in duh, you are acting like a pshchopath.
I have his brother calling me and telling him to leave me alone. That I am not denying access to the house or kids, but that he scared me and I felt threatened. I am terrified. I do not know who this person is. He wants to see the kids tonight and is trying to bully me (using legal rights talk) into setting up a visit for the kids.
I am scared to let him see the kids as he is acting so crazy......
HELP WHAT DO I DO???
Call an attorney and get in to see one ASAP.
[This message edited by Jospehine85 at 5:26 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
D Day: July 27, 2012
Day of first suspicion: 6/7/11
DD#2: November 2, 2012
And then a women's shelter or domestic abuse hotline. You may need to get your kids and get out of the house to be safe. The women's shelter will help you figure out a safer way to do this.
Please let us know how you are doing. We're worried for you!
Big hugs. I hope you are safe
Call the police, but they'll likely call it a civil matter and just ask him to leave of his own accord. They can't "make" him go anywhere. They can arrest him for disorderly conduct or something though.
You need to talk to a lawyer tomorrow.
You have no right to change the locks. You ARE denying him enter into his living quarters. Unless there is a restraining order or he has threatened you with bodily harm....all you are doing is acting out YOUR anger on him. Id be pissed too.
Btw, I know this because i was once in your shoes. And although it feels right at the time....its plain wrong. Legally and ethically.
Get a copy of the police report you filed and take it with you.
Do NOT underestimate this situation.
I am scared to let him see the kids as he is acting so crazy......
Yakamishi^^^ this is why she needs to call the police.
There is a difference between denying him access to his belongings and him bullying, sneaking in the back and acting crazy.
He may be entitled to the property if she simply changed the locks while he was out one day.
It is altogether something different if he abandoned the family or they have a separation agreement giving her the right to live in the house.
That is why she needs to see a lawyer ASAP.
Take this seriously!!!!
Then he started robotically telling her about his legal rights, and yes, he does have a legal right to be in the house. I know this as I had already talked with lawyer a few days ago. SHe said he can legally come in with court order and change the locks right back. But I am just scared of this man I know longer know, just trying to protect myself.
But where I think I am in the right is that we had already discussed my need for him to leave me alone and I thought he agreed to back off a little. I tried to explain to him that I was still in trauma over this thing, happened only 1.5 weeks ago, and I am still trying to process it. I am not ready to see him, I am not ready to play nice in front of kids, I am not ready to discuss a custody plan or discuss legalities. I am simply trying to survive, take care of myself and do the best thing for the kids.
Last week He told me he wants to leave me for OW.Well, it is a longer and discusting story, and it took a week to get to the real truth from what he said first to what he really wants, but net of it is that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore.
He did not want to leave house, but I was so traumatized and mad when he did this to me (handled very poorly of course and out of no where) told the kids and layed a bunch of emotionally laden adult info on them before I had even processed it....well I did kick him out. He did not want to go, but I could not be around him.I had to get him out of here to think. To greive. I was hit with a bomb that he built, planned and dropped. I am dealing with bloody limbs, etc, while he has been living this double life and planning for 16 months.
I do not know who he is. I do not know what is happening. Traumatized, as marraige was good, no fights, no issues and then tells me of LTA and makes it seem like "so, things were bad for me, I was coward, I cheated, I am remorseful, I am sure you can never forgive me, but I can sleep in the guest room and we can figure out how to co-parent the children while living separate lives..." NO NO and No. I can't even look at him. I need time to process.
So, yes I kicked him out. He wants to be back. Legally he has the right to be, but morally- as a decent human- he made the choices he did and now I just want to be left alone for a little bit.
I am not denying access to the house in general, we discussed he would come in on weekend when his brother is here and get his stuff and we would talk as long as another rationale person is with me, I am okay with it. Other than that, I am pretty afraid of this person who I do not know.
So, I did not see his text- sent only 10 min before he tried to come in through back. door- and he started yelling at me like it was no big deal that he wanted to just pop in and get his stuff. Well, I am scared of him, and why wouldn't he just try to arrange it with me instead of barge in on me like that??
SO anyway, family members talked to him and thought they got through to him about leaving me alone and that we would talk this weekend and he can come in house this weekend when his brother is here. He shows no empathy for me, and is almost angry with me for this not playing out easier for him (with regards to living in house and seeing kids all the time)I am letting him see kids, He talks to them 2x day phone. Jeez, isn't that enough. Can't I just be left alone. Is that too much to ask????
I have appt with another lawyer, but can't get in to see her (she is good) until next week. I think it will be okay, with BIL here and my mom is here.
So that is my update. Gonna have some xanax now....
I would seriously consider getting a RO. I know most WS are just scared and hurt and freaking when their BS put space between them, but some are not stable. If he has ever given you reason to believe he would go batshit on you, now is the time he just might do it...
I am scared of this man.
I am scared, shaking, ready to throw up.
He is acting like a lunatic.
I do not know who this person is.
I am scare of letting him see the kids acting this crazy.
..you (WS) are acting like a psychopath.
I don't care WHO'S house it is and what agreements are or aren't in place...if anyone feels like this, they have every right to protect themselves and their children!
My first H was like this. If I ever tried to leave, or keep him away from me, he would go ballistic...and it is scary as hell. Please let us know how you are Sleepless!
[This message edited by WoundedOpus at 6:18 AM, August 16th (Friday)]
“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman
I am okay, feeling better today. His brother and SIL both called him and explained to him that he is scaring me and that he needs to show some empathy for what I am feeling and leave me alone.
Jeez?? It is like he is all pissed off that this is not going down how he wanted. I go back to "what did you expect would happen"
He is still not "getting it" that this is all of his doing and his actions, and is not internalizing it. He says the words. I am forever sorry. What I did was horribly wrong. I am remorseful. But, he isn't really feeling it. Not really understanding the gravity of the situation and the ripple effect of those actions.
It is like he is pissed at me that I am not just over it already and amiably co-parenting the kids together and letting him in the house to make them dinner and tuck them in. Serioulsy?? What person could do that? I can't even look at this person without wanting to either throw up or punch in face.
He has been living a double life for a long long time so lying and pretending in front of me and the kids comes so easy. It almost seems like he is blaming me that I can't just act normal around the kids and play house and compartmentalize all my other feelings toward him.
That is an unrealistic expectation of any compassionate human.
What can you say to a person that doesn't "get it." I need him to get it as I have to deal with him over the kids and the house and figure out the separation and then a divorce. If he continues to act like a robot or like an insane person directing his anger over the situation at me this is only going to be messier and more expensive.
How do you get them to "get it."
Back story: marraige seemed happy, he told me 10 days ago out of nowhere that he had 1.5 year long affair. Seemed originally like a confession asking for forgiveness. Then said I want to have you both. Then I don't love you I love her. Let me sleep in guest room and we'll talk. Then some sort of begging for forgiveness and making it work. Then denying ever saying he said he wanted to make it work and that he was always saying he wanted to be with her. Then denying what he told others/family etc- which was that he admitted to affair and I kicked him out. I did kick him out but he wanted out of marraige anyway I did not say marraige over he did, but he can't seem to OWN that it is really what he wanted. HE wanted to leave me, but he isn't accepting that and now blaming me!
Married 13 years, 2 little people
May file a complaint or incident report with police today to have record. I am going to try to get into L earlier, have appt for next week.
Get in to see a L ASAP! Haven't gone that road myself, but I'm pretty sure whoever files paperwork first has a HUGE uperhand. I'm pretty sure if you get it done before he does, you can legally get him out and keep him out, even under a seperation agreement. So please call around and get to a lawyer, any lawyer, as soon as you can.