"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Jesss posted 8/15/2013 18:39 PM

Hello :)
So just to warn, this is going to be pretty long, and I am not a very good writer, but am desparate for some advice/opinions...

My husband didn't actually physically cheat or have an affair.... But to me, it still felt like cheating and I cannot trust him anymore.
So guess I will start from the beginning..
So my husband and I haven't been getting along well for almost a year.
I saw a number on his cell phone that called him at 2am one night while he was away, he works out of town, the call was a half an hour long. I called the number back and it was the voicemail of some girl. I googled the number and found it was from a town he works at sometimes. I confronted him, he denied having any clue what I was talking about or who the girl was.
The next day, my husband was back travelling for work. I had been calling and texting the number, the girl finally called me back, saying she talked to him once on a dating site, then they exchanged numbers and that one time that night was the only time they ever spoke on the phone. She said he texted her a Photo of himself the day after they talked on the phone and she stopped all contact with him at that time because the picture he sent her was different than the one on his online dating site profile.
So that's it... That's what my husband did. He sent her a real picture of himself when he texted her. If I didn't find out right away who knows how far he would have gone.
When I confronted him with what she told me, he finally admitted it. Said he felt ashamed and soo guilty. He said he coudnt believe he did that to me. he Realized how much he loved me, wanted to work out our problems and be happy again. He said all the right things.
I forgave him and two days after we were acting so in love and happy and it really reminded me of when we were newly weds. We been married 7 yrs and have three kids under 6.
Now it's been a month and a half and he has gone back to being a jerk. He has always been emotionally abusive. When I first found out he said he will get counselling and that we can get marriage counselling, now he refuses to do all that, hasn't even looked into anything. He says I am the one that needs counselling to get over it. I have been bringing what he did up kind of a lot, but I can't help it. He works out of town. And it can trust him.

When I first found out, I was absolutely heart broken and was ready to leave him, until he started saying all the right things and acting so sweet and loving and making me feel loved and beautiful. Which he hasn't done in about three years. That's why I forgave so quickly at first, I felt so good for him to treat me so lovingly, I thought he learned his lesson and was going to to everything he could to make our marriage better... I didn't wanna waste anymore time being miserable. But I couldn't get what he did out of my head, now he thinks I'm just using it as an excuse to be a "controlling bitch".
Am I overreacting? Does he sound actually sorry, or for sorry for getting caught?

caregiver9000 posted 8/15/2013 20:23 PM

(((hugs)))

Welcome to SI. Please be aware that many many of the stories here begin the same way yours has begun. I HOPE for your sake that you caught him early, and that he can show remorse and you can rebuild your marriage.

But there are a few things to remember: cheaters lie. He has lied. You have caught him in lies. What he has told you now is "the truth" is highly suspect.

Trust his actions not his words.

Do you have access to his computer, his phone, his emails? He works out of town and has shown you he is willing to step outside the marriage.

And now he is not willing to go to counseling but is blaming you?

I am so sorry. You are not over reacting. Click on the smiley face in the upper right corner of my response to see my story. It began much the same as yours. What was "but I never did anything more" over the course of the next six months became a nightmare of little by little bit worse.

Protect yourself. Get STD testing, and financially have a plan.

brkn_heartd posted 8/15/2013 21:29 PM

Welcome,
His reaction unfortunately is not that atypical. Remember the decision to stay on your part can be immediate or delayed. You are not obligated to stay now if you feel he is not remorseful. He betrayed you and your marriage by actively contacting her. he knows it but is trying to blameshift to you. I would not be surprised if he doesn't try it again, but will use a different medium since he got caught this time with this phone. Do not get lax in watching him.

Take care of yourself.

emotionalgirl posted 8/15/2013 22:59 PM

Hi jesss...my story is very similar. My WH has a female friend. Notice I say has. Long story short I am pretty sure this has not become a PA but is still an EA. I have posted my story before so I won't get into it again. What I want to say is that. I confronted he swore it was nothing was a perfect husband for a week and now I fing out they are still texting each other. Like your WH mine has tried to put the blame on me and make me seem irrational and mean for insisting on NC. I too live with emotional abuse. He agreed to counselling initially then cancelled the appointments and refuses to MC. I have lived my life for him for 25 yrs now it is time for me. I am seeing a councellor for my own sanity and doing 180 ( info in the healing library). He has had it too good for years but he can't have it all. It is his turn to fight to keep our marriage ... I have come to the conclusion that my WH is just sorry he got caught! I hope you find your peace and truths. I forgave quickly as you did, now I am being much more cautious and not giving any free passes. Only time will tell where my story takes me. I wish you only the best in finding your path whatever it may be (((( hugs))))

kickboxer posted 8/15/2013 23:07 PM

My story began with a simple text.

That turned into "a few calls" over "a couple" months.

In the end it was a 6 month long-distance online/phone/text affair that included naked photos, telling each other they love each other, and sex talk.

Along the way I learned that he had profiles on 2 dating sites -- and he admits to meeting at least one woman for a random anonymous sexual encounter.

He had another anonymous sexual encounter several years ago with a girl he picked up at a bar and then fucked on his friend's boat.

He also admits to an unknown number of text/sext exchanges involving an unknown number of women and nude photos of himself.

My advice to you is to scour phone records back as far as you can and question everything.

I hope you find nothing.

Good luck.

doggiediva posted 8/16/2013 09:05 AM

Your writing is very clear and just fine :-)

Your Wh is sorry he got caught and he is being emotionally abusive..

Somebody that has genuine respect and real remorse wouldn't act all sweet and kind for a little while and then revert back into being the jerk that he really is..
I lived thru false R..My WH was very similar to yours in the way he treated me but the honey and roses phase lasted a bit longer..There came a point when my gut was screaming and nudging me and I did some investigating and found out what I needed but didn't want know..

Time to get yourself prepared to live with your kids without WH.. Putting your ducks in a row will take some time..

See a L for advice on how to protect your finances / to see what S or D will look like in your state. L will make you aware of your rights pertaining to a S or D...

Widen your support system of people that will be there to listen to you vent, watch your kids, or simply go out with you for a walk or a movie..

Wishing you strength and peace.

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:14 AM, August 16th (Friday)]

Jesss posted 8/16/2013 10:45 AM

Thank you so much for the replies. Not at all what I wanted to hear, but I guess what I already knew.
I don't know how to survive if this was not the first time and won't be the last.
I have all his passwords, we've always had eachother passwords to everything. But he works out of town. Has his own laptop. And he uses a company cell phone at work, so I can't get phone records. What else can I do to find out more? Is there something I can put on his computer to see everything he does on there?

Caregiver9000, thanks for telling me how to read ppl's stories. Yours is very similar to mine, but I don't know if I can be as strong as you have been.

caregiver9000 posted 8/16/2013 11:00 AM

oh, sweetie... I was not strong when it happened. I was a mess. When I couldn't take it even "one day at a time" someone said just take it minute by minute.

You can do this.

I do know that one of the most exhausting things I did was investigate him, his computer, try to get stuff from his phone.

You have proof. He spoke to a girl from a dating site. He wasn't looking for a good spaghetti recipe. He was looking for a date.

If he wants to convince you that he is a good risk, he will figure out how to give you the transparency. HE will find a way to get you the computer history, the phone logs.

I had thousands of pages of "evidence" It changed me in some way to look at all of that. And it got me NOTHING in court. I thought he would be motivated to keep those details hidden, quiet. No, he didn't care. He has no shame.

Turn your thinking from what you want from him, what you wish your marriage was, to how you want to live right now? What do you want for you and for your children?

If you want transparency from him, make it a condition and define the consequences for breaking it.

If you want IC then set that expectation and the consequences if he doesn't comply.

He has no "privacy" anymore. He used privacy to have secrets.

(((hugs))) There are lots of us here who understand.

BeyondBreaking posted 8/16/2013 11:40 AM

My H did the same thing. He never physically cheated with anyone, or even met his OW's.

He perused Craigslist and dating websites, replied to advertisements for sex, and texted/sexted photos of himself (nude photos as well) and recieved nude photos. He did it on a night by night basis- didn't keep in touch with the same women after he had used their photos to jerk off to. I found out about it, and he had apparantly been doing that behavior for years. It was so humiliating and hurtful.

Just because he didn't physically do anything with this OW, doesn't mean that he didn't cheat.

I am a year past D-Day, and I STILL don't trust him to leave town without me, and I STILL have extremely conservative boundaries. It took him a LONG time to understand boundaries, and to respect the fact that I was upset...he thought he could say sorry and be nice for a few weeks and I would just forget about it.

He needs to understand that he very much cheated on you, and he needs to respect your boundaries...not just for a few weeks. You are NOT overreacting. It sounds like he doesn't agree that what he did was cheating. You may or may not ever be able to get him to genuinely see your side.

Prayers for you!

Josephine01 posted 8/16/2013 11:48 AM

Hi Jesss,

I am sorry you are here. If he is being emotionally abusive to you that is a sign of his truthfulness and remorse.

Also, if he was on a dating sight, he probably has more than one interest. You should be very careful.

You are strong. If there is one thing that most of us here has learned we are stronger than we thought originally.

Keep posting. . . it's a good place to talk about your problems concerning the A.

solus sto posted 8/16/2013 12:18 PM

Gently, married men who post profiles on dating websites do so in order to arrange sex with women other than their wives.

This one girl? Maybe she's telling the truth. Maybe they didn't meet.

But is she the only one he contacted?

You need access to his online accounts---email, online dating services, and so on.

Do not give him time to scour them clean---if he does not immediately offer transparency immediately, it is a HUGE red flag.

(My husband waffled about transparency. Histrionic to the hilt, he declared it was akin to "Giving up my SOUL!" I think his "last" OW--who he cheated on, too--provided him with that line. Anyway, the waffling came to an end, and he provided passwords---to accounts from which he'd removed ALL information. Except for one little email in the trash he forgot to delete---which gave me a good picture of what was going on. He never offered any other details---so without that oversight, I'd still be in the dark, wondering why I was so broken I couldn't see all his hard work to be a model husband.)

But I digress. My point is that for every ice floe you uncover, there's quite often an iceberg below, and I suspect there's more to the story than what you've been told.

In my experience (and my husband long preferred anonymous hookups from online sites---the "last" OW was as much a stranger as anyone, only they built up a fictitious past), it takes a while for a married person to move from online banter to sexting to phone contact to meeting in person.

I mean, it usually takes more than one woman.

I'd be very interested to know the extent of your husband's online activities, as well as his texting and phone habits.

Do you have access to cell phone records? Those give a wealth of information. Text history is also useful. If deleted, it can sometimes be recovered.

I'm so sorry you're facing this---and so sorry to be the biggest buzzkill--but suspect there is much, much for you to discover still.

Millions of hugs to you.

ETA:

I have all his passwords, we've always had eachother passwords to everything.

Gently, no. You don't. Until he gives you passwords to Ashley Madison or Adult Friend Finders, or whatever online hookup sites he's using when out of town, you don't have all his passwords.

Given the history, I'd be pressing my husband to insist his employer have him work from home, or I would move to where he works, out of town, or I would insist he find another job. Clearly, he's not behaving like a married man when he's away from home--and that must end.

[This message edited by solus sto at 12:21 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

Jesss posted 8/16/2013 14:03 PM

I was really stupid when I found out. I confronted him on the phone while he was away, so he had plenty of time to delete everything on his computer.
He won't be home for another two weeks, I want to put something on his computer to see if he still goes on them.
I guess I will never know about how long he has done it and how many women.. I really don't believe he met anyone in person... But I guess I don't really even know him.
I even asked his boss for the phone records, the boss said he cannot get involved.

He will never give me total transparency, he may act like he is, but I will always wonder if he has other emails or profiles I don't know about. He will never admit to anything unless he is caught. How can I catch him?
I know this sounds stupid and lame, but I need to know for sure that this wasn't the first time and that it won't be the last before I can even think seriously about living without him. I feel like if he gets help to be happy and learn to treat me better, we can be happy. I feel like I have to believe him when he says it was the first and last time, unless I find some evidence to prove otherwise. So I guess right now, I need to be a spy, without proof I can't let him go. :(. yes I know how lame I sound... What I found already should be enough proof, but it's just not :(
Before all this, even with how bad our marriage has been lately,, the one thing I was sure of was that my husband never lied to me.

doesitgetbetter posted 8/16/2013 15:14 PM

Jesss, I know that feeling of wanting to hold on and that the WS never lied to you before. But everytime he left the house to be with another, he lied to you. Everytime he looked at you and told you he was working late or going on business and met up with another, he lied to you. Everytime he told you that you were his universe and he wouldn't hurt you, he lied to you. He has a problem, not you.

He comes home in 2 weeks. You need to get to a clinic or your Gynecologist asap and get tested for every STD under the sun. You must ask to have a Herpes test specifically because they don't normally test for that. If you have an STD, then you have the proof you are asking for that he hooked up with someone. 99% of the time on here, they DO hook up with at least 1 someone.

You CAN track him, you can put a keylogger on his laptop. And your WH can ask his supervisor to give him copies of the cell phone records. He can also get a copy of his expense reports from his boss too. You can always contact some of the hotels he's been at and be sly and find out if the room was booked for double occupancy or single, things like that.

If you put that keylogger on, you can't put one on his work computer, that could be illegal. But if it's his laptop that he owns, then feel free (some will still tell you it's possibly illegal as it's not yours, but IMO, you are married and it's half yours so you can do what you'd like).

You have got to protect yourself, so unless and until you find out otherwise, don't have unprotected sex with him. Even using condoms still leaves you exposed to some STD's, so protect yourself. Get tested, there are things they can test a woman for that they can't test a man for, and there are even things that can live in your body undetected for YEARS before you ever test positive for it.

caregiver9000 posted 8/16/2013 15:38 PM

It doesn't sound stupid or lame! You married this man, your trust in him was complete. Now based on a single discovery you have confusion. You have well intentioned strangers telling you likely truths, you have your husband swearing it was nothing or almost nothing, and you are in shock, trauma induced shock.

I don't have to imagine the difficulty of the confrontation while he is away from home. I am too familiar...

Can you insist he come home and address this with you? Can he take family leave time and come home?

If not, or if you don't want him to, then use this time to research, talk to a L, protect your finances and your household utilities, get the account numbers and put everything in a safe place.

Post here. As often as it helps.

(((hugs)))

Also, be sure to stay hydrated. Water, coffee, tea, keep a bottle/glass by your side and keep taking sips.

Jesss posted 8/16/2013 19:23 PM

Aww caregiver9000, your replies keep making me cry.
He was home last week, but he was still being nice at that time, and I didn't feel suspicious and wasn't thinking about his cheating. He left for work again on Monday.. We got into an argument on the phone on Monday and that's when he started saying he is it going to counselling, etc. He had a week off last week, so there is no way theyd let him have more tme off right now. Even if they would have, he doesn't want to talk to me at all right now about this or anything else.

I looked up what keylogger is. Anyone have any recommendations what site to get it from? So I download it on his computer? And he will never see it?

caregiver9000 posted 8/17/2013 00:26 AM

I sent you a PM.

Everything made me cry for a long time. Sometimes it still does, but it is usually that anyone is going through that "Just Found Out" hurt and bewilderment. I empathize and it is a quality I am grateful to have.

So you cry. There is no shame in tears.