I stumbled to this site after doing a google search on surviving infidelity...
I have read some great articles that somewhat fit my situation, but nonetheless, each person's situation is different, and I am at a lost as to what I should do. Let me describe what had happened thus far.
I have been married for 17 years. We have no kids (my wife doesn't want any). We both have fairly successful career and while we are not rich by any means, we earn enough to not have to worry about money and can pretty much buy whatever we want or go wherever we want to go for vacation.
Within this relationship, my wife is the aggressive, strong minded person. She is the type that will not listen to other people's advice until she can convince herself that the advice be taken. I am more passive, an analytical person. I like to consider all options before taking action. I consider we are a good team -- she pushes me forward with her go-getter mentality, while I pulled her back a bit so she wouldn't ram into a brick wall at full-speed.
In our friends' eyes, we are a loving model couple. We hardly argue, and our goals in life are fairly compatible. I thought I have found the perfect wife to spend the rest of my life with.
Yet the horrific event (affair) came to light about 3 years ago. About 6 years ago, my wife went from working for somebody else, to a small business owner. Unfortunately, her new business did not start off well, as she was sued for breach of contract (caused by a rogue real estate agent lying about contract terms) and lost. Into our lives come this lawyer. Throughout this lawsuit, my wife has spent a great deal of time with him. At the beginning, there was no attraction between the two. However, overtime that turns to affection to each other and I caught them exchanging love messages to each other.
I confronted my wife about 3 years ago, whom then said she felt sorry and tried to end the relationship. Yet, as the articles in this website well stated -- an affair is an addiction. To my wife, she does not see an affair as wrong (being stubborn/head-strong) and we began a long 2-year "cat-and-mouse" game. Being analytical, I can typically sense when something is wrong and being analytical I can usually find means to discover what was wrong. She would ask "how did you find out I was seeing the lawyer?" If I told her my means, she would change her communication scheme. If I told her I can look into her email box, she changed to phone texting. When I told her I looked into her phone records, she then switch to phone calls with a different phone. When I said I found her in a hotel through GPS tracking of her phone, she stopped carrying her phone when she went meet the lawyer. I know invading her privacy through the above means is wrong, but I cannot stop thinking about where she is because of her constantly breaking her "promise".
We have gone to marriage therapy, but that was of no help. She reaction was that "I am uncomfortable to reveal my private life to a complete stranger. How can she provide advice with these 1 hour sessions when she knows very little about us?".
I have talked civilly with this lawyer lover privately on several occasions. He is divorced, and openly express to me that he loves my wife. But at the same time he feels like crap for ruining an otherwise a good marriage. He is the one that told me to go seek marriage counseling, as he said my wife is attracted to him because something is missing in my marriage. He said (and I agreed) if the root cause (He asked me "Is it because you are bad in bed? You ignored her? You don't offer support when she's down?") of my wife's attraction to him is not fixed in my marriage, even if he backs out my wife will just go seek another relationship. When I told him I plan to move out (separation), he would tell me to not do that because he said he tried that in his marriage and didn't work. Innate feelings tell me he is not a total jerk, but at the same time given his profession, I don't know if he is just a natural sweet-talker.
I tried to ask my wife what we should improve to reignite our love, and she said I am already a very caring, perfect husband that any wife dreams to have.
Since my wife couldn't provide me with any clues, I try to examine what is wrong in my marriage, and I conclude it might be due to our boring lifestyle -- we have a very small social circle. Besides work, my wife does not find anything to be interesting and she has no hobbies. Despite being a good husband, I can see how she gets attracted to a guy that expresses care for her, that is from a different cultural background, and can carry a different type of intellectual discussion (talks about law). She also mentioned she is attracted to his scent (he's a Persian) that I don't have (both my wife and I are Asians).
She understands that her relationship with him will not go very far, because of the lifestyle (he's much more active) and cultural differences. But she also confided that she likes the fact that he does not need any commitment from her (in my viewpoint, of course he doesn't since he is the lover), whereas I have been demanding commitment from her (of course I need to, being a husband). Yet, every time we argue because of her continual relationship with him, when I push her to make a decision, the eventual overcome is always
1) She will not back down from my demand of her stop seeing this lawyer
2) If I insist on 1), that we should separate
3) We both cried a lot that night
4) The next day, we wanted to reconcile and I would give it another chance
Cycle rinsed and repeat.
Lately, I finally was able to convince her to be more active. We started dating once a week, and we started the process of doing charity work so life is not as boring. I think we are much happier in the past 6 months.
Yet I am taking a mental toll -- because she continues to talk and see this lawyer. My wife's wish is for me to let her passion to this lawyer fade and die a natural death. Whereas in my viewpoint, I have exercised enough tolerance (2 years!! more than 10 times of her lying/breaking promises) that I am at this breakpoint myself. I am driving myself crazy when she is away from home -- is she really working or is she seeing this lawyer? I admit I am obsess in thinking about her. I am still in love with her and I really wanted her. Yet the thought of her not able to do a clean-cut cutoff drives me nuts.
I am a very confused man right now. Should I end the relationship because we cannot agree on how to save this marriage:
1) With this lawyer being one of the few friends she has, she WILL NOT give up in stop seeing this man
2) I want to have the assurance that she is over with this guy and wants her to "commit", which is met with the response "I will try my best".
And this disagreement is driving me crazy mentally.
Yet, I can see she is trying, and I think we are making some progress... I don't know how long my sanity can hold...
Should I just separate and go with Plan B? She already asked if we can remain friends if we separate, but accordingly to Plan B, I should stop contacting her until she changes her stance in our relationship. Yet, I know her business needs my help -- I am her handyman, and IT support. I know she will need me to fix something sooner or later. Should I not help her if she ask? That will just destroy all the love units that I have created thus far in doing Plan A...
Any opinions and advice you can provide is most appreciated.
A very confused AlanC
P.S. Pardon my disorganized thoughts