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Hearthache again posted 8/15/2013 22:49 PM

It has been over 3 years from our last dday. I have been doing a lot of self reflecting. I have come to the conclusion that I can not move forward anymore unless I get some answers from my H.

He says he has changed. His actions do line up with this, but I need him to be able to explain it to me. He says his thoughts are different. He is always questioning if his interactions with the opposite sex are proper. I want to know what they were before. I want to know how they have changed.

How can I trust that he is different if he does not have a reference point for them.

He was not upset that I have demanded this. He wants a little bit of time to think about it. He says its been so long he can not remember very well. He also stated he is writing them down, but it is not finished. He told me this morning when I asked about it(I originally asked 2 nights ago) that he has a couple things written down in his work folder.

He seems to be following through. I have been trying to be patient and give him time to figure this out. He has a bad memory, and it is hard for him to share stuff like this. How long do I wait for this?

I really feel I need to know how his mind has changed. I want to know that his mind is lining up with his actions.

Is this to much? I know peoples actions speak better than words, and his actions are great. I just feel I need to hear the detailed words, not just general statements.

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 10:50 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

Skan posted 8/16/2013 00:47 AM

If you need it, then you should get to hear it. Actions are very important the most important thing of all, IMO, however if you need to hear what the differences are, then you should be given that info. I think that its great that you two are taking a few days to dig it up and really think about it, vice just tossing something against the wall to see if it will stick. (((hugs)))

sisoon posted 8/16/2013 09:41 AM

If your H is like me, it may be very hard for him to reconstruct his thinking patterns after changing them. If you need more info, though, you need more info.

If your H can provide it, great. If he can't, my recommendation would be 1) to think about what you want in your M and match that against what he's doing, 2) to think about what would show you he's inoculated against cheating again, and see how he's doing in that area, and 3) to keep talking together to figure out what would allow you to feel safe.

Sounds like your H is taking this issue seriously, which is a very good sign.

Hearthache again posted 8/17/2013 16:57 PM

He has told me the biggest change. And he was great telling me. He started out saying he did not want to hurt my feelings. He is thinking of more for me.

Glad he is following through. He is showing me that he has changed.