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Newest Member: jon72 (46048)

User Topic: Trying to be patient.
Hearthache again
♀ 28564
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been over 3 years from our last dday. I have been doing a lot of self reflecting. I have come to the conclusion that I can not move forward anymore unless I get some answers from my H.

He says he has changed. His actions do line up with this, but I need him to be able to explain it to me. He says his thoughts are different. He is always questioning if his interactions with the opposite sex are proper. I want to know what they were before. I want to know how they have changed.

How can I trust that he is different if he does not have a reference point for them.

He was not upset that I have demanded this. He wants a little bit of time to think about it. He says its been so long he can not remember very well. He also stated he is writing them down, but it is not finished. He told me this morning when I asked about it(I originally asked 2 nights ago) that he has a couple things written down in his work folder.

He seems to be following through. I have been trying to be patient and give him time to figure this out. He has a bad memory, and it is hard for him to share stuff like this. How long do I wait for this?

I really feel I need to know how his mind has changed. I want to know that his mind is lining up with his actions.

Is this to much? I know peoples actions speak better than words, and his actions are great. I just feel I need to hear the detailed words, not just general statements.

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 10:50 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you need it, then you should get to hear it. Actions are very important the most important thing of all, IMO, however if you need to hear what the differences are, then you should be given that info. I think that its great that you two are taking a few days to dig it up and really think about it, vice just tossing something against the wall to see if it will stick. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your H is like me, it may be very hard for him to reconstruct his thinking patterns after changing them. If you need more info, though, you need more info.

If your H can provide it, great. If he can't, my recommendation would be 1) to think about what you want in your M and match that against what he's doing, 2) to think about what would show you he's inoculated against cheating again, and see how he's doing in that area, and 3) to keep talking together to figure out what would allow you to feel safe.

Sounds like your H is taking this issue seriously, which is a very good sign.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10767 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Hearthache again
♀ 28564
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has told me the biggest change. And he was great telling me. He started out saying he did not want to hurt my feelings. He is thinking of more for me.

Glad he is following through. He is showing me that he has changed.


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 4

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