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Not the first time

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CM86 posted 8/15/2013 22:51 PM

It's been almost a month since I caught my husband and I hate to admit it, but it isn't the first time. I originally caught him 2 months after we got married. He originally liked sex sites where they could have Internet and phone sex and an online sex game. He swore he was done and he would fix it and I believed him. But I always had that feeling. Last may I saw an email. He was ordering used underwear from tacky women on Craigslist. Once again super sorry and all that. This time I didn't believe him and would check his emails. What I didn't know is he had another account online for another sex site and was talking to people on there and met one of them. I busted him by going through his phone and recovering deleted messages. This time (because I told him I'm done I want a divorce and was kicking him out) he said he wants to go to counseling and doesn't know what's wrong with him. The therepist says he has an addiction and gave us ways to work on our marriage. He stopped going to thereapy and low and behold, I catch him on the site again less than a month ago. He tried hooking up with the same trash as before too! He also got on backpage and met a prostitute and 3 "dominatrix". Claims no contact happened but I'm not stupid. I hate him for this. Knowing that no matter what as long as the women weren't me, he wanted them. Trust me, I have seen most of their pictures and they are disgusting! I was always the sexual one in our relationship while he would push me away and go after something else. I know I need to leave. I know the tears,sorry's, and help he's getting now(back in therapy and looking for more help) is just a game and he'll be screwing around in no time. So why can't I be done with him?!?! Why am I still so broken?!?! Why does he keep saying he wants to stay and loves me?!?! This is not love. I never healed from the first time you would think I could just leave him for good and be done. I'm starting to hate myself and honestly feel like I'm dying every single day.

AStar posted 8/16/2013 01:38 AM

CM86, you need to help yourself first. You need IC to deal with your Hs A, his disrespect of you and your inability to do anything about his addiction- that's right, its his addiction and you are suffering because of it. See the Healing Library and go 180 on him- maybe it will help him come to his senses. His actions are a terrible betrayal of you and he seems to be under the impression that he can do whatever he wants and get away with it. Show him he can't.
He is addicted to sex/porn and he has to want to help himself. You can't do this for him. He also can't make a commitment to you or your M whilst feeding his addictive behaviour.
Only thing you can do is take care of yourself properly (eat, drink fluids, exercise) get counseling.
You can't repair your marriage on your own. You need your Hs help to do this. Otherwise you need to repair you and look at your alternate options.

woundedby2 posted 8/16/2013 01:41 AM

CM, I'm so sorry that you've had to join our club here, but you won't find a better community than this one.

First, know that this is not about you in any way. It's not about anything you did or didn't do in your marriage. This whole thing is about your WH's brokenness.

It is very difficult to detach and to "be done". Even when you know it's what you need to do for yourself.

Are you able to get some counseling for yourself?

The Healing Library (see the yellow menu box on the left side of your screen) has great articles to help you through these early stages.

Please go right away and get tested for STDs.


CM86 posted 8/16/2013 13:21 PM

Thank you for the responses. I actually had him tested. I will admit I have not been taking care of myself since I found out again. I have been telling him that same thing- if he doesn't want to help for himself since it is his addiction not mine, nothing will be resolved. I am mourning is what I feel like. So I feel like I need to let this relationship die and move on. I know in time ill know exactly how to do this. Just wish I could make him suffer first(I know it sounds cruel)

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