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I want to date so badly, I know it is too soon.?!

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Blackhair posted 8/16/2013 06:04 AM

I am a very good person, but going through hell right now still in the process of finishing separation agreement. I want to be loved again. I want to date so badly now, i met this guy online today. i am very nervous I know it is not the right time. I like him and love the attention, please help!

[This message edited by Blackhair at 9:56 AM, September 11th, 2013 (Wednesday)]

Amazonia posted 8/16/2013 06:11 AM

Think very carefully about the kind of person who would choose to date someone who is in the middle of a painful, messy divorce. There are generally two types: those who prey on the needy ("ambulance chasers") and take advantage of the weakness that is inherent to this time in our lives (and generally seem way too nice and helpful for their own good, because they've played this game before and know how to push the right buttons to get what they want), and there are those who are so fucked up that they can't get anyone else. Which of those two types would you rather be dating right now? Which do you think your new friend is?

suckstobeme posted 8/16/2013 06:19 AM

Of course you're a good person. You're a good person who deserved none of this. You're a good person who absolutely deserves to be loved.

But, at the same time, you're a good person who is nowhere near ready to date or try to find love. You know that because you said as much in your post. Your emotional brain wants it so badly, but your rational brain knows its not right at this time.

The best advice I can give is to listen to your rational brain. Emotions are raw and all over the place right now so they haven't caught up yet. There is no way meeting a man and starting to date is going to remedy that. In fact, most of the posters here who have tried it will tell you it turned out to be a huge mistake and it either ended up in more hurt and rejection on their side or that sick feeling of having to hurt someone else because they thought they were ready and realized that they weren't after emotions had been invested.

I know it hurts and it makes you want to crawl out of your own skin. But there is no easy way out of this. You have to go through it to get out of it. Once you are through it and come out the other side healthier, stronger, and more in touch with yourself, then you will be ready.

For now, concentrate on finding love from other sources - family, friends, kids if you have them, and most of all, from within yourself. That one can be tough after a trauma like this, but I promise, learning how to like then love yourself again will be more rewarding than any romantic relationship. Once you find that love from within, you will attract good people who also love and respect themselves and your next partner will enhance that, not bring it down.

I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. Deep breaths and know it will all be in the past one day.

Blackhair posted 8/16/2013 06:34 AM

Thanks for your support, I agree 120%. I will not continue for sure.

TrustGone posted 8/16/2013 07:33 AM

BTDT. Don't start dating so soon. I met WH#2 while I was divorcing XWH#1. It was a messy divorce and took 2.5yrs. We married a few months after the D. It wasn't but a few years before he started his LTA with an old fuckbuddy of his. I now wished I had waited and found myself before I started to date again. It just made my ex really pissed that I found someone and my kids never liked him from the start, even though I waited 6months to introduce them after we started dating. Take this time to find yourself and what you really want in life.

nowiknow23 posted 8/16/2013 07:46 AM

(((((Blackhair))))) Focus on you and your kids. You are building a new life right now, and that's where your time and attention belongs. Hang in there, honey. It truly does get better.

EvenKeel posted 8/16/2013 09:47 AM

I need it to help me get through this tough time

I understand. We all want to feel wanted, loved, needed or, heck, validated that we are worth something to someone.

However, you would be doing yourself (and the other person) a great injustice by starting a relationship for the sake of "needing it to help you get through this tough time".

damncutekitty posted 8/16/2013 11:25 AM

There are a million reasons why dating this soon is a bad idea.

First off, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Using another person to get validation, or distract yourself from pain is a very unhealthy way to start a relationship. Most likely you will attract the wrong kind of guy and get even more hurt than you already are. But there's also chance that you will meet someone nice and end up hurting them.

Find some healthy ways to deal with the pain. It hurts now but if you work through it, you will not regret it.

tesla posted 8/16/2013 15:44 PM

What everyone else said.

I'm not going to lie...getting through this by yourself is hard. But look around, you aren't by have a support system IRL: Family, friends, therapist (I hope you have a therapist to help you through this difficult time. IC really got me through so much the first few months). And you have our support.

Slowly, you will heal and become whole again. You will be able to decide what you want in a potential new partner. You will be more in control. Right now, your emotions, pain, and needs are in control. Those are the last things you want in control while you are looking for someone to date.

jilted12 posted 8/16/2013 20:46 PM

Agree with all the other advice you've been given. Shortly after I filed I had this urge to date, I wanted to feel wanted & loved as my self-esteem was shot. I decided I would hold off until D was final, otherwise I felt I was no better than ex as I was technically still married. I am so glad I waited because now I am really starting to rediscover who I am and am learning to love myself & am really enjoying my alone time. Now all my family & friends are encouraging me to date but I have zero desire to do so & am honestly quite happy and fulfilled at the moment. Give yourself time...I'm sure you'll be glad you did in the long run. (((Blackhair)))

hurtbs posted 8/16/2013 20:51 PM

Big hugs


You want that person who always has your back, that you can call at the drop of a hat, who will be rooting 100% for you. It sucks to go through something as traumatic and painful as separation and divorce solo - especially if you're used to having it.

Post here, we got your back. Invest in your friendships. See a good IC. You will get through this, your life will get better....

Hang in there.

AppleBlossom posted 8/17/2013 05:51 AM

I met my partner (now fiancé) ten months after I separated from my ex-husband and before we divorced. I thought I had left enough time to go by, and initially I was just after some fun and distraction. I didnt expect to fall in love.

I think it was way too early, even though it has turned out okay. I didnt value myself enough to do something about some of the red flags I saw with my new partner. As it happened, he was unfaithful to me in October last year, and really, it wasnt such a great surprise.

Dating is fun, though, and I especially loved online dating. You flirt, there is nothing you are risking. However, when you are vulnerable and your defences are down, it is so very easy to get hurt.

I hope it all goes well.

Blackhair posted 9/11/2013 09:44 AM

As i mentioned before that a month ago I met this guy online, we are still email each other, he sounds a really nice guy, back in my mind I know this is way too soon. So never give him my phone number, he is from east coast he wanted to fly here and meet me, I told him I need some time, I have not told him about the betrayal/divorce yet. But I mentioned that my kids are less than a year old and I will tell more about it some day. As we only email each other once or twice a week, now he is on business trip.

He is widowed and raised up his kids by him own. Any I like him, and like the attention I got from him, but really do not want to get hurt or hurt him, I always believe I have a good judgement i can handle this pretty good, but I am a bit worried now.

BTW I am proud of myself to be able to stay "calm" that me and WH are still "amicable" and we just reached an agreement on our separation agreement without a nasty fight, it is very hard!

[This message edited by Blackhair at 9:51 AM, September 11th, 2013 (Wednesday)]

Pass posted 9/11/2013 11:58 AM

I went out on a few dates right away after separating. After each date, I came home and wept. The attention felt nice, but it was just too soon.

We've been separated for six months now, and I've decided it's still too soon. I want to be ready to date when I meet that special someone, and I'm just not there.

Nature_Girl posted 9/11/2013 14:20 PM

As i mentioned before that a month ago I met this guy online, we are still email each other, he sounds a really nice guy, back in my mind I know this is way too soon. So never give him my phone number, he is from east coast he wanted to fly here and meet me, I told him I need some time, I have not told him about the betrayal/divorce yet. But I mentioned that my kids are less than a year old and I will tell more about it some day. As we only email each other once or twice a week, now he is on business trip.

To me there are things in this paragraph which seem like glaring red flags. For instance, you haven't known each other online very long, only communicate 1x or 2x a week, and he's already wanting to fly out to meet you. That seems like a pretty quick timetable. Also, he knows you have young babies, but he's still wanting to move the LDR forward by flying out to see you after not really knowing you well. That just doesn't seem natural.

lieshurt posted 9/11/2013 14:41 PM

I have not told him about the betrayal/divorce yet

Why not?

I have to agree with NG. There are red flags here without a doubt. There is an online scam out there where the scammer pretends to be a Widower with a child and eventually dupes the woman into sending him money. Please look this up online just so you have some idea of what to look for.

Blackhair posted 9/11/2013 16:32 PM

Thanks for the warning, it is scary to think what might happen.
I guess I have to admit that I do not have good judgement as I spent over 10 years and never believe what just happened to WH! It is almost an eye opener!

Right now I am not thinking straight and desperate for some love and attention, Wow! Very scary! Got to be really cautious!

Love you guys, thank you for your great help!

Blackhair posted 9/12/2013 09:33 AM

Did some searching online about the kind of scam on dating site, found out so many red flags, 1.he contacted me first actually emailed me first,
2.and then suggested we chat via email or Skype, we have been email each other but I never did Skype,
3.he is a widower and has two daughters studying in Europe,
4.he lives in Ontario, recently went to Japan and Africa for business, he is in African now.
5. he constantly send me pics of him and her daughter.

6. He want to fly here to meet me after we chatted for 3 weeks
7 he asks for my phone numbers, never give to him.

Wow! wow! Surely should concentrate my time and energy on myself and babies, instead this crap!

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