The below are my questions...just venting, so I'm not offended if nobody reads the rest of this post.
How did you feel about yourself before the affair started?
When did the affair start and how did you first meet your soon to become mistress?
Were you initially attracted to her? If not, when did you become attracted?
What initially attracted you about her? What did you get from her…as in what was it about her that made you feel so good that you dropped your boundaries?
How often did you see each other before you started the inappropriate flirting or exchanging of numbers?
Who initiated or pursued?
How long before it became a sexual affair once you had phone numbers?
What was it about her that made you feel good about yourself?
What needs were you trying to fill with her that you felt you weren’t getting from me?
Where and when did you have sex?
How often did you spend time with each other, where?
Was she ever at the football games and practices when I was there?
Did you tell the OW you were married from the beginning?
Were you wearing your wedding ring during interaction with the OW?
How many other women did you have an EA with? Work?
Did you ever talk to other women about how you felt about our marriage?
Why, again, didn’t you share that with me instead?
Did you really believe I wouldn’t listen to you, or in your heart of hearts, did you just not want to be bothered with the trouble of it?
What did you talk about? I want to know everything.
How many other affair partners have you had since our marriage?
Were they emotional affairs, physical affairs, or both?
Tell me all, and I mean all, about her.
That we will never be given the truth is unfortunately something that I think we just end up learning to accept in time.
What I did was dot point out things that I would like an apology for, I then started writing out by hand an apology letter. 2 pages in, only a quarter of the way through the first page of the 2 pages of dot points, my hand was too tired to continue......
I also wrote out a timeline on his behalf based on things that had happened, half admissions and gut feelings. Its the closest I will ever get to the truth and it is enough for me.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
You won't get the answers because he isn't giving you the opportunity to ask. He's running. And, even if by some miracle, he decides to sit down for a face to face, the answers he gives won't be truthful. He can't face himself, so there is no reason to think he will truly and honestly face you. They run and lie. That's just what they do.
I never got anything either so I know how hard it is. The information I have has been what I've been able to piece together myself without looking at too much evidence that I know would open old wounds and still hurt me. He told me nothing and I elieve never will. He forced me to end a fifteen year M with two small children based on nothing more than "I don't want to be married anymore."
It's mind numbing and so frustrating I could have spit nails. Now though, three years later, I could care less. They are together and, by many accounts, he's not super happy. Even if he was, who cares? They got what they deserved - each other.
It can be very frustrating. Then again, the things he has done are already a deal breaker for me so I figured why torture myself with more details. I am trying to take the focus off of the idiot and put it back on what I want to do with my life. I lived it once even though I didn't understand what was happening at the time and I don't want to live it again - even if its only in my head. I hope that makes sense!
The previous posters are correct - they are cowards and it's easier to run and hide from us and themselves.
I got the typical, I don't remember any more. Yeah, I did it.
The past is the past.
I'm not doing that anymore.
It's over. I made a mistake.
I lost my morality and I feel ashamed. Why do you want to throw all of the bad shit I did in my face.
I thought you'd never find out.
Sex was bad, I couldn't do it like a rock star, so I kept trying.
I thought I deserved it.
Yeah for like every second of every day for over a year until dday.
That's what happened here and part of what caused me to finally file for divorce.
For me, this is another sign of disrespect and another way of lying and was a deal breaker for me...it convinced me that my own spouse didn't take me seriously and I held no value for him anymore, to do all that he did and then not even be honest.
Nearly Exh is also running and will do so for his entire life, for it is the coward's way. He covers it by being a bully and trying to appear powerful, but the cracks are too big now.
At some point, hopefully, you'll be able to accept, as a lot of us have done, that answers are simply not going to come and we have to move on to other thinking and the future or drive ourselves batty trying to figure it all out.
There are answers to questions that I will never know and FWIW, I got to a point where I couldn't handle anymore, for it was the details that were left.
I wish you well and some peace along the road of your new journey. I hope that if you can't find or learn answers from him, that with time and positive energy, you'll be able to put these things aside or in a box in your mind and let them go. Sometimes letting the thoughts go is the only way to begin self-preservation and renewal.
It's not easy.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
We are 9 years out now from h's a with our neighbor. To this very day he will not answer any of my left over questions. And there are still so many because of his not answering them to begin with when he was caught.
Just this morning I brought something up eluding to a political figure who is caught up in a mess right now. All h could say was, "why the hell do you always have to bring up this nonsense, this bullshit crap that means nothing to me." The conversation wasn't even about him but guilt is still in his head which makes it very uneasy for him to listen to anything pertaining to an a. Thing is, all that guilt could have been avoided if he had just told me the truth from the very beginning. Then there would have been no more questions to ask or to answer.
[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 1:50 PM, August 16th (Friday)]
Thing is, all that guilt could have been avoided if he had just told me the truth from the very beginning. Then there would have been no more questions to ask or to answer.
I hope that if you can't find or learn answers from him, that with time and positive energy, you'll be able to put these things aside or in a box in your mind and let them go. Sometimes letting the thoughts go is the only way to begin self-preservation and renewal.
All, thank you for the fantastic support and advice. I guess my own answer is that it just takes time. Wish I were 3 years down the road and not thinking so often about this sh!t
But when do I stop finally caring? When will I no longer be haunted by the unanswered questions?
Im not sure I ever will stop caring, I loved him (who I thought he was) very much. I think I will always be somewhat haunted by the lies but I hope that time and working on myself will dull the pain so it is not as sharp or debilitating.
So all in all I think what has taken place with me is that I still do care about my h and my marriage, but as the memories eat away at me each day slowly, my percentage of caring becomes less and less to where the questions really don't make much of a difference any longer.
I'm so soo sooooo sorry. I don't even know what else to say.
I hope they finally just move away.
Or you win the lotto and you can move away!
Actually it is gotten to be the norm. They stay to themselves now since the a with h, then with another man across the street from us, then another attempt with the lawyer up the street from us. Needless to say the woman is a true slut and her h is a total idiot.