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In need of support before I break

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notwarmorfuzzy posted 8/16/2013 13:09 PM

it's been 9 months since Dday and 5 months since our Divorce was final. I'm feeling like an out of control emotional crack head! I'm fighting these feelings just the last couple of days of sadness, like grieving and it's making me feel like a big A-hole because I'm about to lose control and want to tell him I miss him, but I don't really miss "him", I miss what used to be us. I feel like any little thing, reminder, story or thought makes me cry. Why can't our love for them just shut off completely? I don't regret the divorce, but I'm so emotional lately. I'm looking at old photos, videos and almost trying to find an excuse to txt him. I'm sure the fact that my kids told me that he's txting a "girl" might've help send me into the funk but geesh.... when do these feelings start to dilute in strength. I hate this, it makes me feel like his affair is winning again because I'm letting it impact me. has anyone else felt like this after divorce? trust me I DO NOT REGRET the divorce, but why am I missing "us"? Why is this SOB running through my head and heart obsessively again, I feel like ive taken 3 steps back!! what do you allow yourself to feel? do? Divorce is a resolution to your legal marriage, but seems to not have such an impact on the emotional aspect of things... why must this be so painful? worse than the death of my father a 1 1/2 ago... please tell me i'm not the only one who's felt like this... am I weak?

Sparkles posted 8/16/2013 13:26 PM

(((notwarmorfuzzy))

I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. Put away all the old photos and videos. You will get through this - stronger, wiser and happier. Forgive yourself for being upset - you are not weak, you are human. It's okay to grieve, but then pick yourself up and start thinking of yourself and what your needs are.

It will get better. Go take a walk, get a pedicure... anything that makes you feel better.

nowiknow23 posted 8/16/2013 13:29 PM

You are not weak - you are injured. Big difference.

What are you doing for self-care? Are you in counseling?

((((notwarmorfuzzy))))

Nature_Girl posted 8/16/2013 13:35 PM

You're not weak. (((HUGS)))

However, you are looking at the wrong things, and you're expecting too much, too soon as far as getting to a state of emotional distance. For starters, let's get you to put away the dreamy good-times videos & photos. No more trips down Romantic Memory Lane, okay? You aren't going to move forward with your life if you're looking backwards. So put that stuff away for now. Give yourself permission to look again in six months.

Also, he had a long head start in killing his feelings of love for you. You're playing catch-up now. He was done long before you had a clue. That's why it seems as if he just stopped his feelings. In reality he didn't just suddenly shut them off one day. It was a process for him, too. Only of course he had the incentive of some exciting infidelity to spur him along & encourage him to abandon his morals and family.

You'll be healed some day. Right now it's too soon, even in the best of circumstances & the best counselor in the world. It's way too soon. What are you doing to take care of yourself and heal?

Ashland13 posted 8/16/2013 14:13 PM

A very nice counselor told me that one way to get through the grief is to allow it to come, but it has to be controlled with an amount of time. Also, she said to try not to make decisions when it comes or contact the wrong people-i.e., a WS. I did that once or twice and got severely burned, but it taught me to never, ever do it again.

Grief takes us to places in our minds that are some of the most difficult to recover from, but it is possible. And I find that I can't even touch any wedding things and that wedding related things or relationships are big triggers for me right now.

FWIW, I've been told by a handful of people through divorce that it takes a few years for the emotions to even out and that's with zero contact, and some people who moved very far away.

What I've learned, also, is that we seem to have to detach from our marriage, also and the hopes and dreams it held for us. That's my grief now and the insecurity of a blank future.

Yes, divorce is closure of the business part of marriage, but the reality of our hopes and dreams and changing future have to be dealt with in other ways.

And I agree, if you can put away the memorabilia, it may be helpful.

There are things to do when the grief comes, but sometimes giving five minutes under a blanket can make a big difference...then it simply has to be shaken off, via nurture, patience and self care.

HurtsButImOK posted 8/16/2013 14:34 PM

so sorry you are hurting.

I think death is 'easier' to accept because it was not a choice that was made against us. Loved ones die, they don't seek to deliberately hurt us and impact maximum damage (whether we are collateral damage or not) it just happens. Cheating is a deliberate choice.

Allow yourself to feel the pain, acknowledge it and work through it. If we had a switch to turn off emotions we would be our wayward spouses, complete with shitty coping mechanisms. We are not, so unfortunately the only way to get past it is to go through the pain. Lean into it, it will teach you a lot about who you are and who you want to be. There is goodness to come from experience this I believe.

One of the most helpful things that I did was to remove all reminders of him. My home is a safe place now.

You are not weak and you are not alone, you are in pain. You will get through this, we've got your back.

Take2 posted 8/16/2013 14:47 PM

9 months since Dday, and a record time D -- that is why you are still hurting! D or not -- This is really quite fresh!!! I know that isn't what you want to hear, but at 9 months jeepers, I still couldn't see straight.

Give yourself some time, grieving comes in waves, the waves will get smaller and gradually dissipate. Try to set aside memories/photos for now. And focus on you and now while you ride it out.

StillLivin posted 8/16/2013 14:52 PM

I hope this helps. It's helping me.

I packed up all the photos, EVERYTHING!!!! I put it in storage.

I'm pulling out old photos of me when I was single and happy before he and I were together.

I'm starting back in martial arts and will add bike riding as soon as I'm not so broke and can afford to buy a decent bike!

I'm staying busy with the things I used to love so much before becoming a wife and instant Mom.

I juice, don't cook, you have kids, may not be an option every night.

I'm reading, lots and lots of reading on other stuff besides divorce.

Oh, and I just registered for school again!

Stay busy. Keep him out. But, you are being way too hard on yourself.

Hugs and more hugs!

npain posted 8/16/2013 15:09 PM

((((notwarmorfuzzy))))at 9 months out I was still spitting nails, and you are actually already through the divorce process.

Honey, you are hurting...definitely not weak..take time for you to grieve your losses and to figure out what your next step is. You are behind him emotionally because he moved on a long time ago, and you are now playing catch up. Please be kind to yourself and it will get better.

Are you in any IC? Please, it will help a great deal. I don't know what I would have done without someone to talk me off of the mental ledge that these situations put us on.

Much hugs...

tesla posted 8/16/2013 15:49 PM

You are not weak. The obsessive thoughts come and go. It's not called a roller coaster for nothing. Give yourself space and time to heal. DO NOT get down on yourself for taking time to heal. IC is a great place to go and work all the shit out. For me, it was a safe place where I could let everything out and get some excellent perspective.

SBB posted 8/16/2013 16:59 PM

^^What everyone else said.

You are not weak - you are grieving and hurting.

A death of a loved one is a clean cut in some respects, what we all have to go through is an unclean cut. That four letter word time and detachment will help you heal.

I find old photos trigger me still (I didn't keep any of him) so I've put them away save for a few of my girls around the house.

You well get through this. It won't always hurt this bad and the dips on this damned rollercoaster won't last anywhere near as long nor happen as often the further along you get down this rough road.

My midwife said something to me right before my eldest was born and I started saying "I can't do this" - she said "oh great! Mum's always say they can't do it right before they do".

It comes in waves, lean into the pain when it gets bad. Let it come but don't pick at the scab with obsessive thinking or reminiscing.

Please know you're not alone - many of us are walking/have walked the same path.

I remember a moment late last year where I had an epiphany - "THAT guy? That's the guy that had me on my knees?". It was my first big belly laugh out of this whole mess and it still makes me laugh now.

I'm still hurting but I'm healing - you will too but you have to work at it.

((notwarmorfuzzy))

MyReturn2Me posted 8/16/2013 18:29 PM

No you're not weak. It's takes a while for us to not feel like shit again. I am at almost 2 years from D-day and I'm just now starting to snap out of it.

Be patient and indulge in self care. Remember to love yourself!!!

~namaste

ButterflyGirl posted 8/16/2013 18:50 PM

It's been almost 11 months since D-Day for me, and I struggle with the same things..

I wish that R was the hard one, constantly trying to trust this person again and forgive them what they did.

But I've found D is just as difficult emotionally. The pain doesn't go away just cause he did. It's still a trauma, and it still needs a significant time of healing.

Big hugs to you..

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