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Can't stop shaking - texts/plans to meet

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alee2418 posted 8/16/2013 13:45 PM

I really hoped I would never need this board. I'm at such a loss right now. Basically, my husband, who travels every week for work, apparently didn't realize that his iphone synced to the ipad and as a result I have seen hours of daily texts between him and a coworker that has crossed so many lines that I don't know how to deal with this. It started off very flirtatious, then kept getting more and more inappropriate (talking about how attractive she finds my husband, how she has no limits to what she considers sexual harassment, him asking for more of her personal thoughts, talking about what he'd like to be able to get away with, how far he can go before she tells him to back off, etc). She lives in another country that he travels to every few weeks for work, and last night the texts ended with them making plans to get together for drinks and to see just how inappropriate they can get. He leaves Sunday for the trip, and it's not something I can make him skip - he'd lose his job if he did.
I have to confront him today when he gets home (but not until our 3 kids are in bed) and I have no idea what to say, how to start, or where I am going to find the strength to keep him from turning it around on me somehow. I'm crushed, it's so hard keeping a happy face for the kids when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I got maybe an hour of sleep last night and I can't bring myself to eat anything without throwing it back up. I'm pretty sure he's figured out that I've seen the texts - when he called this morning he could hear in my voice something was wrong and kept pushing me to tell him. I finally told him to stop, I would talk to him when he got home, and that he knew exactly what he did. There have been no texts between them at all today, so I strongly suspect he called her from work and gave her a heads up. By this time every day for the last week they had been going back and forth for hours.

nekorb posted 8/16/2013 13:50 PM

I'm so sorry. I new her so have no advice except to keep breathing in an dout to the best of your ability.

And get bath time done early.


onelove27 posted 8/16/2013 13:54 PM

Im really sorry to hear what your going thru, I know exactly how you feel. And I pray things work out for everyone on here. Its not easy, but I hope we can help eachother out.

alee2418 posted 8/16/2013 13:59 PM

I just texted him something completely benign to check something - and sure enough, that text didn't show up on the ipad. He must have fixed his settings on his phone.

whattheh posted 8/16/2013 13:59 PM

I'm really sorry this is happening to you.

Make sure you make a copy of the texts before he has a chance to delete them...

Is there any way he could at least delay the trip due to a family emergency? This is terrible timing because you need his time and support to help you get through this.

As for losing his job he is risking that by carrying on this type of behavior depending on how strict his company is. If he intends to have a PA or any physical contact (including kissing) with this whore coworker then he is also risking your sexual health and possibly your children's health (STDs and other communicable diseases).

Some cheaters play dumb about the STD risk. But I'm living proof because I contracted HPV and Herpes from my fWH's whore. Both these can be caught even when condoms are used. And who knows what communicable diseases he could catch outside the US? Maybe this would give him pause?

[This message edited by whattheh at 2:00 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

TxsT posted 8/16/2013 14:01 PM

Thank god for APPLE....IPADS will catch them EVERY TIME!!!!

I too found out via an new IPad. Isn't it sad.

I am so sorry you had to read that. No one in the world deserves to see what their spouse thinks and says to the A person. Print them out. Keep them safe. If you can see his phone can get into his email account via the IPad.


Painfuljourney posted 8/16/2013 14:02 PM

I'm so sorry. I hope this is the first time he has tried this crap and he doesn't have a history of it, maybe it can stop at EA (emotional affair). EA is bad enough don't get me wrong. My husband EA and PA'd. The PA part is killing me.

Be strong and calm. Hang in there.

TxsT posted 8/16/2013 14:04 PM

Ps.....I think you should consider hiring a baby sitter tonight and going out of the house to confront him. Don't let your kids hear the shouting festthat probably will ensue from your outing party. It will scare them.

Also, if you print them out and hand them to him in a more public place he might think twice about not telling the truth. If you can get a sitter earlier, like before dinner the better. You need to unload the pain as soon as you can.....your mind will take this and triple the hurt all on its own.


[This message edited by TxsT at 2:04 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

alee2418 posted 8/16/2013 14:10 PM

The trip really can't be postponed - he is the one leading a workshop over there and there are people flying in from all over the world for it. He is seriously risking his job - he is using his work phone and work email to talk to her (that's on the ipad too). I have always been a huge advocate that the OW shouldn't be blamed, it's all on the spouse, but in this case she is not at all innocent. She does a lot of "you poor man, to have been saddled with a wife and children before you hit your prime" and "in my country, you are at the age of multiple sexual flings and crazy parties, why would you do something as restrictive as marry?"
On a positive note, it appears I can pull up today's stuff from the search feature, at least enough to see what he told her since his phone has a setting that blocks it from updating/syncing so his deleted messages should be in limbo.

Chicky posted 8/16/2013 14:21 PM

I am not an Apple expert by any stretch but if I am not mistaken, he stopped the texts from showing up on the iPad by changing the email address associated with his phone. If you can somehow change it back they will reappear, but I think you need his phone to do that. Not sure but I DO know that when my iPhone was syncing with my iPad and my phone texts were showing up on it, Apple told me to change the email address associated with my Apple ID. So in short, if you know his Apple ID and password, you can go into it and change it back to the original setting. It's worth a try...

eta: I would also change the password to his Apple ID so that he can't go behind you and change it back. And if you really want to play dirty, you could send HER a text to the number he's using to correspond with her and let her know that her behavior will be reported to her superiors. Maybe if she thought her job was at stake she would back the F off.

[This message edited by Chicky at 2:24 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

Getting to Happy posted 8/16/2013 14:59 PM

I just texted him something completely benign to check something - and sure enough, that text didn't show up on the ipad. He must have fixed his settings on his phone.

THIS^^^just shows you that he is in damage control. He will be sorry that your figured it out but not remorseful that he has blown up your marriage.

Like the other posters said please make copies. Hide one and confront with the other.

Trust me, he will try to minimize his own words. 'Oh, we were just kidding! I would never do that to you. I was never going to go through with anything, blah, blah, lies, bullshit, blah"...ya riiight!

Alee, don't let him piss on you and tell you its raining!

If he was really remorseful he would have admitted that he was angling for sex with this ho-worker and sent a NC note to her with you present.

The fact that he just turned off the syncing tells you than he will still try to consummate this ugly tryst. UGH! I hate ho-workers!

He has taken his betrayal of you underground.

I know that you are reeling. When I found the FB messages between Mr. Happy and his ho-worker I literally fell to my knees shaking. My head was spinning and my ears were buzzing. No kidding. It was the worst thing I have ever experienced.

I would like to be gentler, but I just don't want you to let him off the hook too easily. I am not sure how you will be able to trust him while he travels. Since his first move was the wrong may have to hit him with some shock and awe to jolt him out of the rainbow-unicorn-farting-fantasyland where all extra-marital realtionships look sparkly and everything smells great. Where there is no dirty laundry, overdue bills, leaky roofs; no sick kids and barfy dogs don't exist.

If sweet nothings (and I mean nothings) from a stranger can turn his head away from a real live loving wife who has his back...well he is broken.

So don't try to fix him. Focus on you and your needs.

NO matter what he tries to lay on you remember you are in the same marriage and you did not cheat! That is 100% on him!

Please make sure that you ask him for these things:
Transparency(passwords and whereabouts), Honesty (No Lying or lies by omission!)

There is a great book out there for him to read. "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" He needs to run and get it now!

I am so sorry that you had to join our club. But you are in good company with great collective wisdom. So no matter what, keep posting. We get it and we care.

PS~ TxsT's idea of getting a sitter or letting your family take the kids for the evening is a good one. You will need the freedom to don those bitch boots and let her rip!

Nature_Girl posted 8/16/2013 15:11 PM

Make sure someone like a friend, neighbor, relative has a copy of these texts at their house. SEal them up in an envelope if you feel there needs to be privacy. However, you're going to need someone IRL to walk with you through this nightmare & give you support. Might as well be who you give the texts to.

I'm so sorry.

BlueDandelion posted 8/16/2013 15:26 PM

Like others have posted, I found emails (and nude photos) between my WH and the OW on his Ipad. I didn't make copies, though now wish I had. When I confronted him, I was able to call them up as proof, and he couldn't really deny them. He has since changed his passwords and I'm not able to access them.

What I wanted to say, though, is to encourage you to be calm and confident when you confront him. The first time this happened, and I confronted my WH, I was hysterical. That backfired completely--he literally left the house and drove away. The second time (sigh, yes, a second time, three years later), I was shaking, but I was calm. There were no tears. There were no ultimatums. There were no demands. There was no begging for reassurances. I simply said that I knew and that I wanted a decision from him either to leave or to stay, but if he stayed, then he better be willing to work on the marriage. I left it at that. We're now about 6 weeks past the confrontation. I can't say that things are that much better now, but they are not worse, and I am proud of how I handled the initial confrontation.

Good luck!

2long posted 8/16/2013 15:35 PM

Whatever you do, do NOT let him go on this trip and continue being secretive without some serious consequences.

Think about it: If you are more concerned about his job than your marriage, he'll get away with no consequences and you and your kids will suffer. All he has 2 do, is go deeper underground. He's already started doing that with his unsyncing his phone. If he goes on this trip, he'll take the affair 2 the next level. Bet on it. But even if he didn't, he's already cheating on you by being secretive and having an EA.

Seriously consider contacting the HR department where he works and ask for their help. If you do that, they might be inclined 2 be helpful rather than fire him and put your family in a financial bind. Maybe they'll fire her?

Also, it takes 2 2 tango. She's as guilty as he is. Stop worrying about her consequences.

-ol' 2long

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