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blindsided03 posted 8/16/2013 13:54 PM

It's so hard to know that everything is over and all the dreams are just gone, gone in a moment of someone else's thoughtless actions. All of my things stuffed into corners, the tattoo he got of my name on his wedding finger covered up, and his pitiful efforts to find validation from someone, anyone, who was desperate just like him. I was barely gone, out of town for a long weekend, and I would have never known if I hadn't looked at his web history. I saw him today and he's still lying, still incapable of telling me the truth about things I already know. I know I can't get back with him, but it hurts me to think that, as sorry as he SAYS he is, he's still the same manipulative bastard underneath it all. I just was praying, somewhere in the back of my mind, that MAYBE, just maybe, he really was changed and really had had some kind of epiphany and I wouldn't have to leave him. Truth be told, I love the guy. I adored him for months, in between those times that I counted down the number of hours before I could go to sleep and not have to hurt anymore. I loved him because I had hope for him. The hardest thing right now is to admit that I no longer have hope that he's going to be a better man and husband to me. It's hard to believe that hope was the only thing keeping our marriage together, in the place where love should have been, but I understand that I haven't been in love for a long time. I understand now that, all those times I stayed, I stayed because I HOPED he could love me and I HOPED I could love him again one day. I realize that I only had hope the entire time we were together, and it seems silly to think I based something as sacred as marriage on something so transient as hope. I don't have that hope anymore; I know he's gone for good. I know that sometimes, the people we love aren't good for us, but I also know that my life isn't over. The reason is, I still have hope. I still have hope for the future, I still have hope for falling in love again, I still have hope for having a loving family someday, and I still have hope that tomorrow will be brighter than yesterday. I still have hope, but without the weight, and I feel good for the first time in months. I feel peaceful, and relieved, and strong, but more importantly, I feel happy. I'm finally free to breathe and laugh and say how I feel. I might be alone right now, but I'm not lonely. I'm healing and it feels really good.

[This message edited by blindsided03 at 2:03 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

brokenandconfuse posted 8/16/2013 14:00 PM

This is exactly the same for me. Hugs.

blindsided03 posted 8/16/2013 14:07 PM

Good for you, broken!! We will get through this!! I wish I could blame him, but he has a mental illness. No, the end of my marriage can only be accepted and I have nowhere to direct my anger. I don't have a right to be angry, and I don't know how to cope with that. I see how other's spouses have gone out to have affairs and made these long decisions, but mine has a disorder that results in these impulsive behaviors, and it really feels like a cop-out. I am so frustrated that he's getting out of this blameless even though he's the one who had the affair and went looking for hookers, transsexuals, cougars, and girls at a music festival....all with me out of town for a long weekend. Seriously. A weekend. How can I be with a guy I have to babysit???? WTF I wanted to have kids with this guy, not have to treat him like one. I can't wait to get divorced. What made you decide to leave?

nowiknow23 posted 8/16/2013 14:13 PM

Just a beautiful post, blindsided. I love your hope.

Just one small disagreement -

I don't have a right to be angry, and I don't know how to cope with that.
Honey - you DO have the right to be angry. Maybe you don't feel you can direct that anger at him, but you surely can be angry at the illness. You can be angry about the damage it's caused in your life. That's righteous anger. Denying that anger or pushing it away would be a disservice to your healing. Work through it and (eventually) release it.

blindsided03 posted 8/16/2013 14:27 PM

Thanks, NIK. I really am angry, but the illness can't make me feel better. He just spent our whole marriage not taking the blame for anything and now he goes and ruins it and still can't take the blame!! It's crazy!! I know it'll get better, but I'm really inconvenienced! It's frustrating to divide property and all of this mess. I know you're going through the same things and emotions. I appreciate the support and encouragement. Same goes out to you.

StillLivin posted 8/16/2013 16:29 PM

I'm throwing down the BS card.
He can get treatment, medication, and a combination. Everything still boils down to a choice. I'm sorry for his disorder, but he can own it. I have friends with all kinds of disorders. Then there are the people that have disorders I choose NOT to associate.
It is a handicap, but it isn't an excuse.
You have EVERY right to be angry.
But glad you still have lots of hope and have enough sense of your self worth to know you can't deal with the BS.
Good luck.

blindsided03 posted 8/16/2013 18:00 PM

Hi, StillLivin,
Thank you!! I agree. It's BS. I think also that as soon as it really hits him that I was serious when we signed the divorce papers, he's not going to be so quick to blame his BPD. I think he's going to go back and change tactics and be like, "It was her!" I'm cool with that, but I know that this is false, it's just pretending that he cares and has a problem. People like him never really think they have problems. I am so confident and so happy in my decision to leave him that I don't care how much it hurts. I'd rather hurt a TON right now than hurt on-and-off for the rest of my life! F this guy!! He's replaceable!!

StillLivin posted 8/16/2013 18:58 PM

Yep, have a friend with BPD, she is highly functioning, which is almost worse.
But, she owns up to her choices, and she hasn't done anything in 20 years that she regrets.
Yep, BS BS BS some more.
Good for you. It hurts now, but it will hurt less as time goes by.

You deserve so much better. I hope you are in counseling. BPDs inately gravitate towards super nice folks. There has been some damage done.


blindsided03 posted 8/16/2013 22:56 PM

Hi, StillLivin,
Thanks for your input. I agree that people with BPD should still be responsible for their actions. At the very least, he's responsible for not seeking treatment earlier. I kind of hate him more for hiding behind this illness, though. It's like, I know this man. I lived with him. I know he's capable of being a normally-functioning human being and I feel like he CHOSE this. I know impulsivity is a big part of being borderline, but it's like DAMN, you're married. Didn't you understand that cheating is wrong? I know he can't control that he has these impulses, but he can control whether or not he chooses to act on them!! I wish my divorce was final so I could escape!!

brokenandconfuse posted 8/19/2013 10:57 AM

blind_ I chose to leave because I caught him lying over and over. I chose to leave because of his abuse to me and my kids. I chose to leave because he told me he deserved other women and blamed me for everything. I chose to leave because he laughed and smiled about it. I chose to leave because he didn't show remorse. I chose to leave because I knew that I could never trust him again and never feel that he ever really loved me or the kids.

blindsided03 posted 8/26/2013 22:36 PM

wow, broken, good for you. I'm glad you got out of there. I know that we'll both be better for leaving. It's hard to think that someone could be like this, so callous, so cold, and so calculating, but they can be, and the worst thing is that they can be charming. I hope that this ends soon, the anger that I feel, because I'd love nothing more than to move on and see other people and start loving life again!! I have so much going on and it's taking all of my self control not to quit...

blindsided03 posted 8/29/2013 01:05 AM

All that hope was worth it. I feel better than I have in months, finally, and life is good once more!! Keep strong, guys. It does get better.

Something that helped me know I was making the right decisions:: Google

"Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser," by Dr. Joseph Carver.

mof2 posted 8/29/2013 07:58 AM

Yep, I call BS too. People own their choices. My H suffers from Dysthymia. He could have chosen to get help, but he chose to cheat and leave me and the kids. NIK, I always love your posts...dead on! Blindsided, you have EVERY right to be angry!! HE did this! Righteous anger is part of the process....let it out! HUGS!!!!

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