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Moving in with SO

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Newlease posted 8/16/2013 15:51 PM

We finally decided to just set a date. We have been working on me moving into his house since the end of July.

Neither of us ever expected to cohabitate again. We both have lots of stuff and very little storage space in his house. For a variety of reasons we decided not to sell both houses and purchase something for both of us. Mostly we don't want to take on new mortgage responsibilities at this time of life.

Many people who hear my news (mostly younger friends) ask me "Aren't you EXCITED?!" And my answer is "Not really."

Besides all the work associated with downsizing and getting my house ready for the market. At my age I'm going into this with my eyes wide open. I know it's going to take work, negotiation, and compromise.

I have been single for 8 years, so I'm getting pretty set in my ways. (I keep thinking about that Friends episode where Monica laments, "I'm going to have to live with a BOY again!")

My SO has been single for 4 years and retired for 3 years. He has been enjoying a pretty happy-go-lucky existence since he stopped the 8 to 5 grind.

I'm still working, which may be helpful while we get into a new routine - we will not be constantly under foot of one another.

So while I'm not "EXCITED" by the prospect, I look forward to getting in, getting settled, and working out our individual quirks to enjoy more time together. I have faith that we will figure it all out.

Is this a bad sign? Am I being too practical? Should I be having all those starry-eyed butterfly feelings?


tesla posted 8/16/2013 17:11 PM

I think you are being real.
But do allow yourself to suspend a little of the realism to enjoy the moment.

inconnu posted 8/16/2013 19:14 PM

I think I get it. I would like to live in the same house with my SO, because I want to spend more time with him, and wake up next to him in the mornings, etc and so forth. But the thoughts of how to make that happen are just...overwhelming and exhausting. Regardless of whether it's he moves, I move, or we both move, there would just be so much work to be done, and stuff to get rid of, and decisions to be made. I know in the long run it would be worth it and that it would make me happy. But the actual doing of it? Yeah, not much to get excited about that.

gma56 posted 8/16/2013 20:52 PM

I hope once this move is finished, you'll be so happy and yes excited you finally made it happen.


Sad in AZ posted 8/16/2013 21:38 PM

Being settled, happy and togethery sounds pretty good to me, but what do I know? I'm ancient!

Eranda posted 8/17/2013 14:26 PM

Honestly, I would never live with someone again. I've done it twice, and neither time was I happy more than a six months and it ended at less than a year and a half.

First time I rented out my house to someone and moved to where he was- about an hour away. Apparently when I moved in the presence of a uterus in the house caused him to forget how to cook and clean for himself. He complained about everything I did and just generally made me miserable. When the tenant gave notice, I moved back to my own house and it was over.

This last time I let someone move into MY house. I figured it would be easier for me because if it ended I wouldn't have to move anywhere. But it was harder than I thought to share my space with someone and he complained bitterly that he didn't have any "say" at my house (as far as making changes, where stuff went, etc). He didn't like that I always got the last word. He criticized me a lot too- after a while I couldn't do anything right with him either. It lasted 15 months. He just moved out last weekend, and it's been equally hard.

In both scenarios I am SO glad I kept MY house and had a place to go/be when it ended. Selling my home to move in with someone is a risk I would never be willing to take- because I know how fast things can end and how little control you have over other people.

Maybe I'm just too set in my ways and don't trust anyone enough to really let them in my life to the extent they want. But it's not something I can control and experience has taught me to *always* protect myself and have my own place to live that's not dependent on anyone else.

In the unlikely chance I should ever meet anyone else- I would never cohabitate again. He has his place and I have mine, and that's that. And I will never marry again so it's not like it would happen in that scenario either. People will come and go as they please, so I will never tie my well-being or living circumstances to another person ever again.

InnerLight posted 8/17/2013 18:00 PM

I look forward to getting in, getting settled, and working out our individual quirks to enjoy more time together. I have faith that we will figure it all out.

Who needs excitement when you have all that? Frankly, excitement is for people of a certain personality but I find it tiring. The big up followed by the big down. I have a calmer personality and I like peace and tranquility. I think looking forward to working out the kinks is a good approach.

You've known your guy a long time so this is a big step. If you wanted to be extra cautious you could try it for 3 months and keep your house. But I don't think your lack of squee-like excitement is a bad sign, just a more mature woman taking a big step.

wildbananas posted 8/18/2013 10:03 AM

So while I'm not "EXCITED" by the prospect, I look forward to getting in, getting settled, and working out our individual quirks to enjoy more time together. I have faith that we will figure it all out

The thought of living with someone again scares the heck out of me but I could see doing it again if it was like you stated right there.

While I think butterflies and "squeeee!"s are good, this is too. It's realistic and going into something you want to do with your eyes wide open. Nothing wrong with that.

Happy for you, NL.

Newlease posted 8/19/2013 09:29 AM

Thanks for all the feedback. We worked hard all day yesterday in getting ready for our garage sale at the end of the week. I've seen how hard it is for him to let go of stuff in order to make room for me. He hasn't complained at all. In my mind, that is as good as a marriage ceremony.

I have no problem with selling my house. And if things don't work out, I would be happy to downsize to a place where I don't have to do all the maintenance. My little home, that I have been so proud to own all on my own, has served its purpose.

Of course I'm closer to retirement age and want to spend my time and money on travel and adventure, and less on the care and maintenance of a home.


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