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I failed big time

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needhelptoday posted 8/16/2013 16:33 PM

I just joined SI and it was my wife that suggested that I do in order to start seeking some help for myself.

My wife and I work at the same office...less than 13 days ago my wife discovered I was having an affair with a female part time worker at our office. This girl works just on Saturdays whereas I work Mon-Fri in the same office so unless i go into the office on Sat I would not see her.

How did this all start?

It started in early May of this year..I am a manager so I rotate weekend duties with a colleague and this particular weekend in early May I was on call and this girl that works on Saturdays got into a car accident and was unable to work that day so I came into the office to cover her shift. (wanted to mention that up to this point this girl and I rarely talked and nothing was going on between us). Shortly after her accident I received an email from her while she was at her other day job thanking me for my support and for helping her by covering her job and that it meant a lot to her. I responded back shortly after asking her if she was okay being that she was in an accident? She responded back again telling me that she was sore but she would be okay. A few days passed and I was talking with another office clerk who works with this girl on Saturdays and asked the office clerk if she heard how this other girl was doing? It was at that point I found out that her life her taken a turn for the worse. Her and her husband had since separated and she had found out a lot of terrible things that her husband had done over this past year. When I heard this I was in shock and sent her an email without trying to pry and asked her again if she was okay and that I had heard some of the things her husband had done that caused their breakup and asked her if she needed anything or needed to talk. She again responded in an email back to me saying her life was a living hell and that it had turned upside down and her husband and have since separated. As time wore on we begin to talk more and more in emails while I was at work..that later turned to much so that her and I texted each other almost every night. The texts started out friendly than turned sexual very quickly for quite a few days. (A span of about 2 months). In between the texts I met up with her a few times at our office on Saturday mornings where her and I got sexual with one another and I also had gone over to her house to help her install an air conditioner and things got sexual further..

13 days ago I was asked by my colleague who pays our phone bill why my cell phone bill was so high and that these added charges were caused by exceeding my text limit and that these charges were a penalty for going over my monthly limit. .at first I told her a lie to see if she would let it go but she didn't...she tried to fight the charges and in doing so emailed me and cc'd my wife (who works at the same office during the week) so my wife saw this email and the # of texts this girl and I sent back and forth to each other and my wife also saw the phone number the text msg corresponded to. My wife immediately came up to my office and demanded to know what the hell was going was from that point on that my wife's life turned completely upside down and my my life did as well...My wife left the office immediately and called me shortly after asking me to meet up with her away from the office. I did meet up with her and looked my wife in the eye and lied and told her that we were just friends..2nd biggest mistake of my life..the first was having the affair! She wanted me out of the house but has since changed her view and I sleep in the basement...We have an in law suite with 2 boys..

Were do my wife and I stand on this point we are both going through hell..her more than me...her mood goes up and down from hr to hr..We've had our share of arguments, discussions, talks, and crying. She is in disbelief that I did this to her again and rightfully so..Yes I mean again ...8 years ago I searched for a girl online who I met on POF I went behind my wife's back to met up with her and almost got sexual with her as well. My wife found out and over time we got through it but never fully as either one never got help.

About me..I know I have a serious problem..what I don't know is what this problem is (sexual, anger, etc)..why am I doing this? Why do I need to search out other woman to make me feel good about myself? get attention?.. to make me feel good about myself? Why is it important to me what other woman think of me?.. I'm 46 years old and I hate getting old.. I hate what I look like and I have low self esteem. I have anger issues and I hate myself..My wife tells me how sexy she thinks I am and over the years I don't think I believed her when she said these words to me. My wife is a wonderful beautiful human being who didn't deserve to be treated with such disrespect!

I realize that what I've done is the worst thing you could do to someone who loves destroys them..It kills any faith and trust that they have in you and that I may never ever get this back. I did this!!! ..I was so selfish that I didn't stop for 1 sec to ask myself what the hell am I doing? I ruined my marriage, my wife who is my best friend..risked losing everything that her and I worked so hard for...neglected my kids in the process all over stupidity and ignorance and being a pompass ass.

I have since talked to a priest and are seeking counselling. Whether my wife and I can get through this is remains to be seenp..I've been told to just take things 1 day at a time and be honest with your wife moving forward about not keep things from her. Both of our families know about this affair and I've talked to members of my side.. Her the ame on her side. Her mother at first did not want to see me anymore..Our kids know that something is up but not entirely sure what..maybe they are smarter than I think.

I joined this site because I need help..I have to get help because I want help! So if there's anyone out there that has gone through a similar situation as I to please share your thoughts and prayers with me and I will read and respond back ASAP..I can't imagine how my wife is feeling as it hard to put myself in her would I feel it she did this to me

I can't imagine losing her but I feel I already have and I have nobody to blame but myself!!!!

I have truly failed!

september rain posted 8/16/2013 18:49 PM

First, I'm glad you found your way to this site and I hope you stick with it, as difficult as it might be at times. People here, especially in this forum, do not mince words and tell it like it is. But it's done in order to help, not to hurt. Too many WS's and AP's don't want to hear about or deal with the hard stuff, but it's so necessary. You should also definitely check out the healing library, there are many articles of interest there that may be of great help to you.

Now, that being said, I do have some rather tough questions for you. First, WHY did you continue to email the AP after the "courtesy" email where you just wanted to make sure she was okay after the accident? Or why did you even email her in the first place? Why were you so interested in her personal life, especially the state of her marriage? However "horrible" it was or is, if that was even the case, actually, it was NOT, in ANY way, your concern or business and you should not have concerned yourself with it at all, period. Your concern should have been your wife and her feelings and needs. Were you trying to gain attention for yourself by playing the KISA (Knight in Shining Armor)?

Second, why did you even begin texting with her? What possible employment reason would there have been for that? And why did you allow it to "quickly become sexual in nature" as you've stated? You should, first, have never allowed it and, second, stopped everything right then and there. You write as if you had no control over any of your actions in this regard, as if things just happened on their own. But you had choices at every step along the way, you need to take responsibility for those choices that led up to your infidelity.

Third, when called upon to explain the high cell phone charges for texting, why did you lie? Why did you look your wife straight in the eye and lie about the nature of your relationship with the OW? It's certainly no wonder she doesn't trust you at this point. Can you understand where she's coming from? You need to examine why you're able to lie so easily and why you seem to automatically resort to lies in the first place. I was like that once, also, for me it was major FOO (family of origin) issues. Once I got to the root of those and worked through them, I was able to become a different person, which included no more constant lying.

Fourth, why did you never try to work through your previous instance of infidelity? Just because time passes, doesn't mean the issue goes away and isn't affecting your wife. And why have you never sought therapy for the issues you admit you have (fear of aging, anger and esteem issues, etc.)? It is really critical that those are all dealt with or things will not change and you will end up doing this again.

You say that your and your wife are both going through hell right now. Correction. Your WIFE is the one going through hell, thanks to your actions. It is up to the WS to do everything they can to help the BS, including being totally truthful and honest in telling the whole truth about the affair and answering any and all questions fully and honestly. YOU have caused this situation, so you must be patient with the BS and give her what she needs, even if that means not being around her for the time being.

UnexpectedSong posted 8/16/2013 20:23 PM

8 years ago I searched for a girl online who I met on POF

Did you ever cheat before then? While you were engaged? Dating? Previous relationship?

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 8:24 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

silverhopes posted 8/17/2013 02:26 AM

The journey is just starting. So hold on and keep going. Can you make a timeline for her of all your wayward behaviors? It will help her to see the whole picture all in one place and can be a good starting point for whatever questions she needs to ask you. Also there are some really good books - "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald for instance - and some good threads here that can help you start to work through this. Don't give up.

NoGoodUsername posted 8/17/2013 12:28 PM

Apologies, I posted this reply to the wrong thread. Removing and putting it where it belongs.

[This message edited by NoGoodUsername at 12:45 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

needhelptoday posted 8/17/2013 14:50 PM

I read your recent post and you said "try to be more attentive to my wife as best as I can as she needs to feel like she is the most important (special)woman in the world because that is how I treated the other woman I was with"

Does this mean you treated the OW as special and now treating your wife like one as guilt action?
What is your detailed story?


Yes I did treat this other woman special..and I didn't realize it at the time because I think I was in a FOG...however after everything has come out I now realize that I haven't treated my wife special for a long time nor she to me. I'm not doing this out of guilt..I'm doing it because I want to from my heart..I've forgotten how special my wife really is and I want to show her that she is the most special woman in the world by being attentive to her everyday because I love her and I want to make her feel she is #1 in my life and will always be moving forward

JustDesserts posted 8/17/2013 15:11 PM

I want to show her that she is the most special woman in the world by being attentive to her everyday because I love her and I want to make her feel she is #1 in my life and will always be moving forward

The only way you can achieve what you profess to want, NeedHelp, IMHO, is to fix yourself, heal, grow, and live an authentic life which is true to YOU. At that time, you will be showing your wife she is #1, because you will have become the spouse she deserves.

Way easier said than done. You can want, say, project, and hope all you want right now regarding her. But this is about you becoming #1 for you.

needhelptoday posted 8/17/2013 15:36 PM

To September Rain

First of all thank you for taking the time to respond to my situation. You have asked a lot of important questions about my infidelity so I will try to do my best to sum it up with one answer.

I'M the one to blame for everything that I did with the OW..It was my choice to resort to texting that got sexual simply because I allowed it to happen and I was too damn selfish to stop and think that what i was doing was wrong and didn't think of the consequences for my actions. I was so wrapped up in texting the OW because of how it made me feel that I didn't stop to think how it would effect my wife and our marriage, or our kids. Your right it is my wife that is going through hell NOT ME. I'm the idiot that did this to HER! Yes I agree I am planning on going to IC ASAP to find out why I did this and to find out why I find it so easy to lie and what is the real reason I did what I did. I'm reading a book called the Love Dare to help me along the path of righteousness. I've also seen a priest and have discussed with my wife the possibility of going to IC together..Please continue to share your thoughts..Thank you!

To Unexpected song

Did you ever cheat before then? While you were engaged? Dating? Previous relationship?


No I never cheated while I was engaged or dating my wife or in any previous relationships..Thanks for your post..please continue to commit!

UnexpectedSong posted 8/17/2013 21:39 PM

No I never cheated while I was engaged or dating my wife or in any previous relationships..

Ok. So what was going on in your life 8 years ago? What was the very first step you made toward starting your affair? There was a switch that turned on - what was it?

needhelptoday posted 8/22/2013 13:24 PM

I felt alone and empty inside. My marriage was the same routine thing everyday but instead of talking to my wife about how I felt it I looked for attention elsewhere from other women. I went on POF and found a girl that should interest in me and that is how it started. I constantly need validation from women especially if they are makes me feel good about myself

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