I'm sorry if this topic has come up before, I'm almost certain it has, but I don't have time to search the site looking for it...
This being August, our 6th wedding anniversary is in two days, and I'm just not sure how I feel about it. So far our R is going well, she has done anything and everything I've asked, answered every hard question, and been pouring herself into her IC to help her understand why she sought out validation from men that meant nothing themselves.
Most days I'm in a decent mood, sometimes even happy. We're very dedicated to each other, and we are getting to the point that I think we're both starting to feel safe in the fact that we won't end up divorced.
My nervousness comes with my fear of my own feelings... I'm not sure how I'm going to feel on our anniversary, and I'm very nervous that I'm going to shut down and get cold, as I often do when I feel hurt or angry.
I have the same feelings about A-season, which began last September and ran through D-Day on Dec-29th.
And that REALLY has me worried... How am I going to handle Christmas with the anniversary of D-day starring me in the face?
I've started to have very strong bouts of depression the last few weeks, and sometimes get a feeling of selfishness about her affair, a sense of "what good for the goose is good for the gander"... I know it's wrong, and I know it will only hurt the efforts we've made so far.
I love her very much, and I don't want to lose her, but I'm still feeling like there has been no justice. Only our best friends know about the A, we didn't tell our familes because we don't wany anyone hating her for the rest of our lives.
As a result, I have very little support system, which makes me wonder if that's why I recently found myself very depressed, looking on CL seeing if there is a woman in my situation, as a confidant, someone to talk to, that understands what I'm feeling. I didn't contact anyone, but the thought crossed my mind. Not for sex, but for a comrade in arms, or sorts.
I don't ever see myself being apart from her, not only for my own desire to have her as my wife, but also because of our children and the happy blended home we've built. It would rip them all apart.
I sometimes wonder if I made the right choice, or if this will happen again and just blow up in my face... but I guess I've reached a point where if it's going to hapen, then it will happen, I can't stop it, just catch her if she does it.
Oh well... sorry for the rambling... wish me luck, Sunday will either be happy... or hell.