"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

HeartBreak911 posted 8/16/2013 17:15 PM

I have been to two sessions this far. He said he "might" go but can't right now as he is super busy at work. *insert eye roll here* I think he thinks if he lets enough time go by, I will get over it like I have everything else in the past. At first, he would "do anything" to stay with me. Now he acts like he is bothered by me talking about it so much. So I am left to make some hard decisions about my life in the future. Continue to live like this? Or force him into facing things. Counselor suggests setting a date, telling him that he has until that date to pursue counseling. Or move out. She said I have to be strong enough to follow through with it though and not to do it until I am. Or else, he will think its the same song and dance I have always given him. I do not know why I do not value myself enough not to be a person's doormat. I find I am not as weepy/clingy/needy as I was though. And the more he is around doing nothing to help, the more resentful I get. There has been some hysterical bonding. That is getting boring now. Maybe I am getting a little stronger. Maybe I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know. I just had to have a "mental vacation" from it all and realize, I do not have to decide ANYTHING right this second. I just had to stop obsessing about it every second of my day and reclaim some of my life back. It is what it is.

canteat posted 8/16/2013 17:42 PM

I do not have to decide ANYTHING right this second. I just had to stop obsessing about it every second of my day and reclaim some of my life back.

Exactly. IC is for you-it will help to become stronger and understand what you want and need. IC will help you decide what you want to do. If you decide you want to try and R you will have a better understanding of what YOU need to make that work. I wouldn't worry about giving WH a "date" just yet. You may find that you don't want to R.
good luck!
I started IC before Dday-and it has helped me to handle this situation better than I would have. I never thought I would like IC but I do!

blindsided03 posted 8/16/2013 17:54 PM

I find that the more my spouse grovels and pleads and tries to tell me it meant nothing, the stronger I get. I resent him the more he apologizes because I'm like, "If you know it's this wrong, how could you?" while entertaining the thought that this is just an act from someone who is capable of the things he did. Do the 180. Ignore the sh*t out of him. He's a dick, who cares. Try to go out with friends or even go to a hotel and sit alone and cry for four hours. Do anything to make him see that you're not there. Spend the night out, don't come home. Play his games if you want to keep him. It doesn't mean cheat, it just means don't be available. Personally, I think you should drop this idiot in favor of one of the other 3.5 BILLION men in the world. With that many options, what makes this one so special? History? The "past" you built together? It's time to move forward and focus more on the future. It's clear you two have very different perceptions of the past.

HeartBreak911 posted 8/16/2013 18:54 PM

We have been together for a long time and have a four year old daughter together. For some reason, I feel the need to "save" this man. Starting to finally realize I can't save him unless he wants to save himself. I want to stay with him because I want our family to stay together. But only if we can work on things and make them better. If it is just more of the same, I wish he would just leave now. I tried getting him out of the house when I first found out about things but he wasn't budging. I think it will get real ugly before it gets better and I do not know if I am strong enough yet. That is where I am hoping the IC will help. Help me figure out if I want this or not. If I don't, make me strong enough to get out.

[This message edited by HeartBreak911 at 6:54 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

HeartBreak911 posted 8/16/2013 18:57 PM

Canteat- I wish I would of started IC a long time ago. Had always considered it but this is what pushed me over the edge to go.

blindsided03 posted 8/16/2013 23:01 PM

Hi, HeartBreak,
Your need to save this man is also called "enabling." I do it, too. I let stbxh get away with everything and just accommodated his raging moods, his temperamental abuse, and all of his whims just to avoid a fight. I spent hours crying and days trying to explain my side of things. He never wanted to hear about my feelings. He never wanted to understand me. It was always about him, his internet, and the things he chose over me that he can't remember reading or doing now. Unfortunately, I still remember the way he made me feel every time he picked those things over me. Although it sounds bad, "enabling" is just another word for being really nice. Maybe, sometimes, too nice. Whatever. It's normal to want to make our husbands love us. We expect them to live up to the societal standards of what we consider normal. When they fail, they prove that they were never up to par--their title was only a label that meant nothing to them. I can't miss the "him" I created in my head--my knight in shining armor turned out to be nothing more than a little boy playing dress-up.

[This message edited by blindsided03 at 11:02 PM, August 16th (Friday)]