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How stupid am I?

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nekorb posted 8/16/2013 17:42 PM

My husband said he was committed to working on our relationship, he was maintaining no contact ( we were at 4 days and counting...)... I was pouring my heart out to him, trusting him with my feelings....

...and today I find the new email address he established to contact her...last contact this morning.

I confronted him and he said he just wanted to let her know that we had scheduled our first MC session and that we were trying to work on things. He said it was "closure" type of thing.

I am crushed. Where is my husband? Who is this man that has replaced him?

I am done confiding in him until he starts to really prove that he wants to work on our marriage. It is going to be so hard - he has been my best friend for 24 years!!

I feel lost...and heartbroken...is he just trying to see how much I will take? Is this some sort of test?

Ugh.

Compartmented posted 8/16/2013 17:46 PM

Did he show you what he wrote to her? I wonder if that's really what the email said. I'm sorry he doesn't seem to be getting it. Maybe the MC will help.

Morhurt posted 8/16/2013 17:51 PM

I agree ^^^ ask to see the email(s). If he refuses... 180 him.

I'm so sorry. :(

crazynot posted 8/17/2013 01:57 AM

Nekorb, your situation reminds me so much of me four years ago. Mine went back and forth, dumping her, saying he was staying with me, sneaking off again and eventually going back with her for good. The process was APPALLING and I can't believe I let it happen to me. I said things like you are saying 'he's been my best friend for 24 years' (we had been married for 23 when he started seeing OW). But ask yourself, is this man acting like a friend acts? Continuing to hurt you in this way? My advice is to confide in someone - a family member or a friend, someone you absolutely trust. You can't carry this around on your own. And I'd seriously think about asking your husband to move out. I know that's the last thing you want to hear and I'm sorry. But the people on SI will all say the same thing and they're right... you can't 'love' someone back into a marriage they've checked out of in their heads. And by giving him so many chances you're making yourself a doormat in his eyes. Please read about the 180. It's not a tool for saving marriages but it may coincidentally have that effect. And it may very well save your sanity.

Alexa posted 8/17/2013 11:08 AM

Sounds exactly like my situation. He can't even last a few days. I don't think they will change especially if the OW is in his heart. I said I would give him time to work on our relatonship but honestly I don't know if it will last even if he leaves her. The trust is gone. My advice to you is to tell him as little as possible about your feelings. That's what I've decided to do. I would keep an eye on his activities and call him out on it when you go to counseling. Kick him to the curb if you can get him to leave. Mine won't and I refuse to uproot my kids from the only house they've known. Next counseling session he's getting a date to move out or give her up. I've waited long enough and I suggest you do the same. Don't put up with it. The longer you/we allow it, the longer they will take advantage of us and he will be happy and we will be miserable.

burnt_toast posted 8/17/2013 21:57 PM

I'm sorry, but no remorseful WS would open a secret email account for "closure" with the AP.

No contact is no contact. Transparency is transparency. These are non-negotiable.

I'm sorry you are hurting. Finding out is crushing enough, finding out a second time is devastating. (((nekorb)))

I'm glad you found us. Keep posting. Is there anyone in real life you can go to for support? Don't stay alone with this. Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 9:58 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

Nature_Girl posted 8/17/2013 22:08 PM

I'm sorry, but no remorseful WS would open a secret email account for "closure" with the AP.

This is the truth. Secret emails & secret communication = continued deliberate deception.

sparklezombie posted 8/18/2013 11:07 AM

No contact means nc. It doesn't mean a little contact from a secret email account. It doesn't sound like he's truly committed to r

solus sto posted 8/18/2013 11:28 AM

he has been my best friend for 24 years!!
Gently, no...he hasn't. He's conspired against you and your marriage for an unknown portion of the time you assumed (quite reasonably, I might add) that he was your best friend, and had your back. He exploited your trust and your belief in him in order to engage in his affair(s).

It's tremendously difficult to reconcile this with the person you believed him to be. But it's an important step toward your healing.

You are NOT stupid. You are a woman who took her vows seriously and believed the man she loves did the same.

He did not.

And now you are left to figure out how to proceed, in light of the new (and likely incomplete) information you've been provided.

Millions of hugs to you.

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