Last night, he's been fighting forever it feels like to stay alive. Nothing has been easy, My Aunt is unbelievable has been by his side has sacificed so much because of the love she has for him. He stayed longer than he should have because he didn't want to leave her.
Its beautiful and so sad. And its taking me down. Not only am I sad for the loss of my uncle, I am relived also. He struggled so much. The thing is I have had this feeling of nothingness and tears, a feeling of total loss and dispair , I feel like I am breaking that I am on an edge of the cliff and nothing there to stop me from going over. Its brought out all the wrong I have done to my family. It has made me so ashamed of myself and so sorry for the shame that my husband feels by having a wife like me. I am fighting so hard today to keep going to not shut down and give in the numbness, its comforting to feel nothing . Noone can hurt you. I have suffered so much loss over the last few years and these are people who I looked up too some dies naturally some took their own life. Its just bringing everything of my life forward today all at once and I can't breath. Its sufficating. My husband told me he is alone in this world except for our kids. I feel that today, he did call me when I text him which maybe is what the trigger is
Last year basically the same time my grandmother was in the hospital we didn't know whether she would make it oout. I had text my husband and only got a couple of text back . The Ap who was just EA at the time was more concern and supportive. That was I know a turning point for me and it stuck. I told my Husband about this shortly after Dday, so I can greatly appreciate his call this morning. But when I origionally told him, he said well you could have called me. I could have it would have been nice to know he new me and what I needed.
Just so many things. Are being brought forward. How sad my life has turned out to be. So much of because of my perspective and not being strong enough to get the help I had needed before. Once again thank you for having this place to talk . It has been a life saver for me.