....do I confront then and there or do I wait and stew?
Unloading on him is not going to give him any insights, and his lying excuses back will not sooth you. He knows what he needs to do if he wants you to try and work the M out with him, and he is choosing not to do it.
I am fighting tears. I just can't stop caring after 25 years!
Let the tears flow, and drink some water. Of course you cannot give up on 25 years and stop caring so abruptly. Allow yourself time to adjust and work through this. Keep working on you, and work on detaching from your WH and his A-crap.
It can be slow here on SI on the weekends, but keep posting and venting here. Ignore anything he says, he said all he had to by going to see OW again.
So sorry for you.
I would have taken a pic of his truck outside of her apartment. Then I would confront him when he came home. If he lies, you have proof. If he tells you the truth, you have proof. Either way...he is cheating on you emotionally or physically.
It will take 2 to save your marriage. Do you think he is interested in how YOU feel right now? He may say he wants to stay married, but his actions suggest he doesn't care how you FEEL.
I really wish you didn't have to go through this. I would confront. What more evidence do you need? Do you really think someone borrowed his truck and parked it there? Do you think they are "just talking" or he's breaking up with her in person?
Chances are...no. I'm sorry.
Good that you took a picture!
If you think there is a PA why not get STD tests?
I would have confronted too just to confirm NC was broken.
Tell him only mutual friends are allowed so he needs to take you next time he sees her. If shes just a friend then he shouldn't care...
I was married for about 20 years when DDay arrived, told to me by OW herself. It was my reaction to confront and sometimes I wish I didn't, but I can't undo. It was already a known thing, anyway.
What people advised, and I now understand, is that sometimes the more confrontation there is, the more a WS will retreat and you might not get anywhere.
People were around, unfortunately, when Dday was upon us, so things moved away from my control, but now I wish I could have retreated into myself and controlled the emotions more. I think he still would have left us, but maybe it would have been different, for a time, I don't know.
The thing is, if you need things like evidence, you won't get any or much, in confrontation mode and he will know you are aware of things and doing research.
Sometimes the best defense is silence, but it aches. I am still searching for a place to put all the emotions and am a ways out.
One lesson to share...he is not the place to expect or ask to help you with emotions, especially if he is still seeing her in anyway and not showing remorse. It may make you feel even worse to try to bond or get him to feel remorse right now.
Again, I'm sorry.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
One thing for sure that I learned at SI is "Actions speak louder than words."
No matter what he says, his actions are screaming:
even though he won't write a NC
Now you know why he wasn't writing the NC. He took the A underground, did little stuff that gave you a (false) sense of security like being home on time, not touching his cell, etc. BUT you then discovered:
So just now I drove by his OW apartment and his truck is there.
He is still lying, seeing OW and letting you think he is "being good."
Maybe not confront, but see an attorney, talk to your IC, get your ducks in a row and implement the 180.
It's easy to get looped in to hearing promises that you would love him to keep, to feel he "gets it", to have transparency and a firm "no contact" letter written by him of his own accord.
I just can't stop caring after 25 years
Take care of you!!! Do things for you. Don't engage in any discussions with him about the A. You know what you need to know to get the help and support you need to be okay if you decide not to stay and to be okay if he does the things he says he will, if he shows true remorse, keeps his promises, gives you all the things you need to feel loved, feel like a priority! He sure isn't doing that now is he?
Let him know what you know. Don't listen to anything he says and pay close attention to his actions.
Above all, make sure you are taken care of. Eat healthy, sleep, drink water. See a physician if you are having trouble with depression. Don't try to get your WS to understand your pain. Cake eaters don't want to be reminded they are jerks. They will turn it on you. They will hurt you further.
He could come around or he might not. Don't let that be a priority. He needs to make healing you and the marriage the priority. He has a lot of work to do.
Make your own healing a priority. Do the 180 and focus on you. If he wants you and the marriage he needs to show it with actions like NC, full transparency, remorse, not wanting to sweep it under the carpet. He needs to dig deep to understand the "why" (within him) of this betrayal.
I know the feeling of hurt, not wanting to believe what I saw before my eyes, wanting to believe the lies so I wouldn't have to hurt like that anymore. It just keeps hurting until you live your own truth.
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
All you can do is control your actions. See a lawyer, do the 180 (for you), stop doing for him. He doesn't value you, so back off all the things you do for him. You have to risk your M to save it. You can't nice him back. If you rail at him and nothing changes, he keeps seeing her, well he made a choice. Don't stand for it. Kick him out and don't waffle unless he truly stops contact with her.
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
Regarding your statement
Due to a medical issue and surgery of his we have not had an intimate relationship in almost 8 months so I am not concerned about STD for myself.
Please: rethink this. My husband has a serious medical condition and medications that preclude sex----but somehow, he found it possible to have sex with others.
Don't rely on YOUR lack of a sex life as an indicator of what he's done with others. Even if there are bona fide, legitimate reasons for that lack.
Where there's a will, there's a way, and in the la-la land that is an affair, there's usually a will. And sex is not limited to vaginal intercourse; my first STD was in my throat (and was extraordinarily difficult to diagnose).
I'm really sorry
but I know that will just cause a huge blow up when he does get home.
Question- and what is wrong with this?
He snuck off with his whore when he's married to you, he lied about it, ignored all your messages and texts, denied it to your face, etc. etc. and you're worried about a "blow up" when he comes home?
Honey, I'd have all his shit in plastic bags on the front lawn and all the door locks changed. He's married to you but choosing to go screw around with HER... so he made his choice, you just need to help him with it a bit stronger. There is no room for three in the marriage and he keeps making his choice clear by not going NC... so finish his choice for him!
Please speak to a lawyer, file for D (even if you don't wish this, it will show you mean business) and see about either kicking him out or if there is some place you can go.
You cannot "love" him back to the marriage. He is likely deep in the fog and the only chance your marriage has is if you pull that stability/rug out from under him, 180 his ass hard, and hope this knocks his stupidity straight to start behaving like a rational human being instead of this love-struck retard he is being now.
Time to put on your bitch boots emotionalgirl. Take them out of the closet and start using them. How dare he treat his wife this way!
[This message edited by MediumRare at 1:55 PM, August 19th (Monday)]
1. Absolutely NO physical contact between the 2 of you! and he needs STD testing.
2. Implement the 180!!!!!!!!
Do NOT let him walk all over YOU!
*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*
Please, please please focus on YOU.. your health, rebuilding your life, your self-image, your happiness and your strength. Get plenty of rest, take some bubble baths, focus on healing YOU and celebrating YOU. Maybe time to get a new dress and go out for a cocktail with the girls, maybe time to start up a new hobby or something fun, or hit the gym and start exercising, etc. etc.
The 180 is wonderful, wonderful self-therapy and also gets the point across to your WS that you're not going to play their game any longer. They need to make their choice because you've made yours and it doesn't involve them in this intolerable cake-eating form... nope. NEVER.
Good luck to you!
He was at the OW's house and you knew it. Don't "wish" he would be honest, that isn't in his make-up.
If it was me, his ass would be out the door so fast his cheating head would spin. His clothes would follow in a trash bag shortly thereafter. I know, because I did it - it works.
Your profile states he refuses IC and MC.
My wish for you is that you define your boundaries of what will keep you in this marriage.
NC - He cannot be friends with this woman. PERIOD.
No more lies
Just a start. If he wavers at any of this...then file for D. If he comes out of the fog then you don't have to go through with it but right now there are zero consequences to his actions besides an upset wife.
He is cakewalking. Having his cake and eating it too.
This stops when you say it stops. If you allow him to continue to treat you like an option he obviously will.
Stand your ground and fight for YOU. You matter and you don't deserve sharing your husband with another woman, emotionally or physically.
Good luck. Stay strong.