Ohhh (((((((emotionalgirl)))))) I am so so sorry! I know that awful feeling.
One thing for sure that I learned at SI is "Actions speak louder than words."
No matter what he says, his actions are screaming:
even though he won't write a NC
Now you know why he wasn't writing the NC. He took the A underground, did little stuff that gave you a (false) sense of security like being home on time, not touching his cell, etc. BUT you then discovered:
So just now I drove by his OW apartment and his truck is there.
He is still lying, seeing OW and letting you think he is "being good."
Maybe not confront, but see an attorney, talk to your IC, get your ducks in a row and implement the 180.
It's easy to get looped in to hearing promises that you would love him to keep, to feel he "gets it", to have transparency and a firm "no contact" letter written by him of his own accord.
I just can't stop caring after 25 years
Take care of you!!! Do things for you. Don't engage in any discussions with him about the A. You know what you need to know to get the help and support you need to be okay if you decide not to stay and to be okay if he does the things he says he will, if he shows true remorse, keeps his promises, gives you all the things you need to feel loved, feel like a priority! He sure isn't doing that now is he?
Let him know what you know. Don't listen to anything he says and pay close attention to his actions.
Above all, make sure you are taken care of. Eat healthy, sleep, drink water. See a physician if you are having trouble with depression. Don't try to get your WS to understand your pain. Cake eaters don't want to be reminded they are jerks. They will turn it on you. They will hurt you further.
He could come around or he might not. Don't let that be a priority. He needs to make healing you and the marriage the priority. He has a lot of work to do.
Make your own healing a priority. Do the 180 and focus on you. If he wants you and the marriage he needs to show it with actions like NC, full transparency, remorse, not wanting to sweep it under the carpet. He needs to dig deep to understand the "why" (within him) of this betrayal.
I know the feeling of hurt, not wanting to believe what I saw before my eyes, wanting to believe the lies so I wouldn't have to hurt like that anymore. It just keeps hurting until you live your own truth.