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I am so angry right now I am shaking and can barley breath. Since D day my WH has been home on time and does not touch his cell after work
(The preferred method of contact). We had a great time last weekend and I thought he got why I was so upset even though he won't write a NC. I have been seeing IC and though he initially said he would he didn't, then yesterday he stopped in to see his previous counsellor. Today I could not be sure if he worked 8 or 10 hrs so texted him at 330. No reply. Called him at 430 no reply. So just now I drove by his OW apartment and his truck is there. I texted him an urgent " call me " text and nothing! I feel sick and I am feeling reactionary. I want to call her and ask to speak with him so badly but I know that will just cause a huge blow up when he does get home. I am going to ask where he was when he does come home and if he lies....do I confront then and there or do I wait and stew? I am trying really hard to just work on. Me but god this is killing me and right now I am fighting tears. I just can't stop caring after 25 years!

((Emotionalgirl))
If I were there I would give you a shoulder to cry on. You have a 25 yrs. marriage and I had 26 yrs. so I wanted to reach out to you. Don’t confront him when he comes home. Is there somewhere you can go (friend, sister, etc.) to calm down, start thinking rationally? Honey, he is still cake eating. He does not get it. He has disrespected you big time . . . again. We know how bad it hurts.
You should not let on you know where his was.
Start to stealthily gather evidence:
VAR, GPS, phone records
I know you want to confront, but don’t do it yet. You need to gather evidence over a period of time because he will LIE and gaslight you and give you all kinds of excuses and most likely blame you.
You need to get rational and be prepared for the shit he is going to throw at you.
I am so sorry this happened to you too. It truly sucks like nothing else.

Hi emotionalgirl, what an awful situation.

....do I confront then and there or do I wait and stew?

neither

Unloading on him is not going to give him any insights, and his lying excuses back will not sooth you. He knows what he needs to do if he wants you to try and work the M out with him, and he is choosing not to do it.

I am fighting tears. I just can't stop caring after 25 years!

Let the tears flow, and drink some water. Of course you cannot give up on 25 years and stop caring so abruptly. Allow yourself time to adjust and work through this. Keep working on you, and work on detaching from your WH and his A-crap.

It can be slow here on SI on the weekends, but keep posting and venting here. Ignore anything he says, he said all he had to by going to see OW again.

So sorry for you.

Oh no, I'm so sorry emotionalgirl. Big hugs.

I would have taken a pic of his truck outside of her apartment. Then I would confront him when he came home. If he lies, you have proof. If he tells you the truth, you have proof. Either way...he is cheating on you emotionally or physically.

It will take 2 to save your marriage. Do you think he is interested in how YOU feel right now? He may say he wants to stay married, but his actions suggest he doesn't care how you FEEL.

I really wish you didn't have to go through this. I would confront. What more evidence do you need? Do you really think someone borrowed his truck and parked it there? Do you think they are "just talking" or he's breaking up with her in person?

Chances are...no. I'm sorry.

Thank you both....so he came home and I asked where he had been. Gave him 3 chances to admit he had at least stopped to see her, he just denied denied denied. I was shaking by this point and he kept asking what was wrong with me. So I said to him...I just wish you wouldn't lie to me. He asked what I meant. I said you know what I mean. The look on his face. He immediately started with the whole " so I stopped for 5 min to say hi, there is nothing going on, I don't know what your problem is". I said I have a problem with her because she is causing a problem in my marriage. He changed the subject. I feel as if I am dying inside and he is talking about work and going on like there is nothing wrong. I feel as if I am stuck in limbo.....I am so glad I have here to pour all this out. Thank you for listening.

I will survive...I am getting smart, I did take a picture of his truck!

I'm so sorry that you are facing this...

Good that you took a picture!

If you think there is a PA why not get STD tests?

I would have confronted too just to confirm NC was broken.

Tell him only mutual friends are allowed so he needs to take you next time he sees her. If shes just a friend then he shouldn't care...

I'm sorry, EmotionalGirl.

I was married for about 20 years when DDay arrived, told to me by OW herself. It was my reaction to confront and sometimes I wish I didn't, but I can't undo. It was already a known thing, anyway.

What people advised, and I now understand, is that sometimes the more confrontation there is, the more a WS will retreat and you might not get anywhere.

People were around, unfortunately, when Dday was upon us, so things moved away from my control, but now I wish I could have retreated into myself and controlled the emotions more. I think he still would have left us, but maybe it would have been different, for a time, I don't know.

The thing is, if you need things like evidence, you won't get any or much, in confrontation mode and he will know you are aware of things and doing research.

Sometimes the best defense is silence, but it aches. I am still searching for a place to put all the emotions and am a ways out.

One lesson to share...he is not the place to expect or ask to help you with emotions, especially if he is still seeing her in anyway and not showing remorse. It may make you feel even worse to try to bond or get him to feel remorse right now.

Again, I'm sorry.

Ohhh (((((((emotionalgirl)))))) I am so so sorry! I know that awful feeling.

One thing for sure that I learned at SI is "Actions speak louder than words."

No matter what he says, his actions are screaming:

even though he won't write a NC

Now you know why he wasn't writing the NC. He took the A underground, did little stuff that gave you a (false) sense of security like being home on time, not touching his cell, etc. BUT you then discovered:

So just now I drove by his OW apartment and his truck is there.

He is still lying, seeing OW and letting you think he is "being good."

Maybe not confront, but see an attorney, talk to your IC, get your ducks in a row and implement the 180.

It's easy to get looped in to hearing promises that you would love him to keep, to feel he "gets it", to have transparency and a firm "no contact" letter written by him of his own accord.

I just can't stop caring after 25 years

Take care of you!!! Do things for you. Don't engage in any discussions with him about the A. You know what you need to know to get the help and support you need to be okay if you decide not to stay and to be okay if he does the things he says he will, if he shows true remorse, keeps his promises, gives you all the things you need to feel loved, feel like a priority! He sure isn't doing that now is he?

Let him know what you know. Don't listen to anything he says and pay close attention to his actions.

Above all, make sure you are taken care of. Eat healthy, sleep, drink water. See a physician if you are having trouble with depression. Don't try to get your WS to understand your pain. Cake eaters don't want to be reminded they are jerks. They will turn it on you. They will hurt you further.

He could come around or he might not. Don't let that be a priority. He needs to make healing you and the marriage the priority. He has a lot of work to do.

Make your own healing a priority. Do the 180 and focus on you. If he wants you and the marriage he needs to show it with actions like NC, full transparency, remorse, not wanting to sweep it under the carpet. He needs to dig deep to understand the "why" (within him) of this betrayal.

I know the feeling of hurt, not wanting to believe what I saw before my eyes, wanting to believe the lies so I wouldn't have to hurt like that anymore. It just keeps hurting until you live your own truth.

Thank you all...I know now that I can not trust him at all. I was starting 180 when I allowed myself to become complacent because of his "good" behaviour. How wrong I was! I already take an antidepressant for anxiety problems ( this situation is not helping). I am seeing an IC weekly and will continue. Due to a medical issue and surgery of his we have not had an intimate relationship in almost 8 months so I am not concerned about STD for mysel. I am however not willing to have sex with him until he gets tested. I will also express my concerns to my Dr at my annual physical at the end of the month. He does not even begin to understand that his " friendship" with this woman is inappropriate. Right now I have lost hope that our marriage can ever be solid again. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. Thank god for SI and all of you.

I was where you are and there's nothing scarier than seeing your H of 25 years behave like this. Also, like you, I developed an anxiety disorder which I took anti-ds for (they saved me more than once). A relationship with another human being is meant to make us feel nurtured and supported, not crushed and betrayed. I know how very hard this is for you, but your best hope is to detach from him - and I'd really suggest giving him the shock of his life by seeing a lawyer and asking him to move out. This is THE LAST THING you'll feel like doing, but from the moment you do it, YOU will feel better, you'll be asserting your right to be treated properly. I am four years out from this hell, but my life transformed once I accepted that the marriage I had was over.

He is showing you that her friendship is more important than your M. Currently he has no reason to stop seeing her. You feel powerless, but you aren't. You can't have three in a M. If he won't stop seeing her, he has made a choice.

All you can do is control your actions. See a lawyer, do the 180 (for you), stop doing for him. He doesn't value you, so back off all the things you do for him. You have to risk your M to save it. You can't nice him back. If you rail at him and nothing changes, he keeps seeing her, well he made a choice. Don't stand for it. Kick him out and don't waffle unless he truly stops contact with her.

First, I am so, so sorry for your pain. I, too, had a long marriage that was punctuated by infidelity.

Regarding your statement

Due to a medical issue and surgery of his we have not had an intimate relationship in almost 8 months so I am not concerned about STD for myself.

Please: rethink this. My husband has a serious medical condition and medications that preclude sex----but somehow, he found it possible to have sex with others.

Don't rely on YOUR lack of a sex life as an indicator of what he's done with others. Even if there are bona fide, legitimate reasons for that lack.

Where there's a will, there's a way, and in the la-la land that is an affair, there's usually a will. And sex is not limited to vaginal intercourse; my first STD was in my throat (and was extraordinarily difficult to diagnose).

I'm really sorry

I wish I was your brother or father so I could go whip his ass. This is cruel punishment. You need to reflect on what you will...or won't take. Take your time and do whats right for you. Get your ducks in a row, contact an attorney. Move slowly, but smartly. Hugs to you.

but I know that will just cause a huge blow up when he does get home.

Question- and what is wrong with this?

He snuck off with his whore when he's married to you, he lied about it, ignored all your messages and texts, denied it to your face, etc. etc. and you're worried about a "blow up" when he comes home?

Honey, I'd have all his shit in plastic bags on the front lawn and all the door locks changed. He's married to you but choosing to go screw around with HER... so he made his choice, you just need to help him with it a bit stronger. There is no room for three in the marriage and he keeps making his choice clear by not going NC... so finish his choice for him!

Please speak to a lawyer, file for D (even if you don't wish this, it will show you mean business) and see about either kicking him out or if there is some place you can go.

You cannot "love" him back to the marriage. He is likely deep in the fog and the only chance your marriage has is if you pull that stability/rug out from under him, 180 his ass hard, and hope this knocks his stupidity straight to start behaving like a rational human being instead of this love-struck retard he is being now.

Time to put on your bitch boots emotionalgirl. Take them out of the closet and start using them. How dare he treat his wife this way!

[This message edited by MediumRare at 1:55 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

I have 2 brief pieces of advice.

1. Absolutely NO physical contact between the 2 of you! and he needs STD testing.

2. Implement the 180!!!!!!!!

Do NOT let him walk all over YOU!

Thank you everyone...in my last thread i started called sigh....he just doesn't get it. I mentioned that this weekend I made it clear to him during the " come to Jesus " talk that I won't tolerate his lies. My bitch boots are on and I am 180 hard core...moved into our spare room this am! Balls in his court folks, and only time will tell. 💔Heart broken but still alive and kickin ( with my bitch boots on)

Good for you, emotionalgirl! And I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Please, please please focus on YOU.. your health, rebuilding your life, your self-image, your happiness and your strength. Get plenty of rest, take some bubble baths, focus on healing YOU and celebrating YOU. Maybe time to get a new dress and go out for a cocktail with the girls, maybe time to start up a new hobby or something fun, or hit the gym and start exercising, etc. etc.

The 180 is wonderful, wonderful self-therapy and also gets the point across to your WS that you're not going to play their game any longer. They need to make their choice because you've made yours and it doesn't involve them in this intolerable cake-eating form... nope. NEVER.

Good luck to you!

He can only continue to do this to you as long as you let him.

He was at the OW's house and you knew it. Don't "wish" he would be honest, that isn't in his make-up.

If it was me, his ass would be out the door so fast his cheating head would spin. His clothes would follow in a trash bag shortly thereafter. I know, because I did it - it works.

So sorry Emotional Girl

Your profile states he refuses IC and MC.

My wish for you is that you define your boundaries of what will keep you in this marriage.

NC - He cannot be friends with this woman. PERIOD.

IC/MC

No more lies

Just a start. If he wavers at any of this...then file for D. If he comes out of the fog then you don't have to go through with it but right now there are zero consequences to his actions besides an upset wife.

He is cakewalking. Having his cake and eating it too.

This stops when you say it stops. If you allow him to continue to treat you like an option he obviously will.

Stand your ground and fight for YOU. You matter and you don't deserve sharing your husband with another woman, emotionally or physically.

Good luck. Stay strong.

Prayers.