Topic: Was it worth it in the end?
Member # 35869
| Posted: 6:32 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013|
A question for couples who have reconciled....
Are you glad you choose R? I know that we all would wish that it wasn't necessary in the first place, but when all is said and done do BS' and WS' look back and feel happy that they stayed together?
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around. (Florence and the Machine Shake it out)
Posts: 130 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 15162
| Posted: 6:36 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013|
For us, without a doubt yes
FBH - 46
FWW - 47 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 11 & 16
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
Posts: 47315 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Member # 38116
| Posted: 6:40 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013|
A year out and I'm still unsure.
I have no idea what our future holds - whereas before the A I knew I would be with WH until the end. I never pictured a scenario where we would be apart.
I would do anything to keep our family intact - anything for my dd. I'd forgive him for anything.
I hope we are able to move tax What are you going l no Bonni
BS - 32
DDay 1: July 2012 - EA with COW
DDay 2: March 2015; same COW
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, pack your shit and get out.
Fool me twice, now what?!?!
Posts: 397 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 30369
| Posted: 6:42 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013|
I'm almost three years out, and I would say that we are actively still reconciling. That being said, my current answer to your question would be "most days". Most days are worth it, and things are getting better from here.
Posts: 30662 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 29429
| Posted: 7:00 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013|
Simple answer? Yes
The whole answer is too nuanced, too complicated and too individual to get into here. But simple answer: Yes. Knowing what i know now i would be fucking terrified at the prospect of what lay ahead, but I would still chose to Reconcile.
Hope that helps
You keep waiting for the dust to settle, and then you realize... This is it, that dust is your life going on.
Posts: 768 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
Member # 36622
| Posted: 7:23 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013|
When I first got here I asked the same question.
And WH5 gave me the same answer.
I believed him. I thought if it worked for them. It could work for us.
So after a year of being here and 21 months from Dday....
For us, without a doubt yes
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"
Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 26465
| Posted: 7:30 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013|
There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing
Posts: 3225 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Member # 35236
| Posted: 7:43 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013|
To be honest, I have my days. I have days when I fantasize about how my life be now had I thrown him out of our house and filed for D right away, but then I immediately think that what might be the best for me is not the best for my daughter. Sadly, our little one is the glue that is keeping us together.
Me: BS Him: WH
OC born in July 2012
"A wise girl kisses, but doesn't love. Listens but doesn't believe. And leaves before she is left." Marylin Monroe
Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2012
Member # 40286
| Posted: 8:26 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013|
The first couple of years I had no idea, I was just glad the kids had their parents. But 4 years later I can say yes. We are happier now than ever before, we learned so much what love and marriage is truly about. I hate that it happened but I know we both wouldn't have become the people we are today.
Posts: 20 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 31705
| Posted: 8:45 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013|
Sometimes I am amazed that I did not throw him out. Tomorrow will be our 50 th wedding anniversary. I am so glad that we stayed together. It is so worth it. Our celebration will be so special. He is still the one for me!!!
Me BS, in a better place then before,
Him FWS ex jackass, trying to be the best husband in the world
We are recovered.....almost!
Dday July 2010
Married 45 years at DD..50 years Aug 2013, now almost 53 years!
Posts: 152 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Fl part of the year
Member # 38044
| Posted: 9:32 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013|
11 months out and I can't answer this. I too am hopeful it will be.
I DO know that I have more wisdom. I have yet to have full wisdom as to what a truly healthy, fully loving, intimacy nurturing marriage looks like...but I do realize we were not going that direction in our pre-a marriage. And, unlike my wifes affair, I WAS equally responsible for this.
Now I see R as an opportunity to achieve something we never had before and would most likely not have done had we not learned to R. (Meaning we would have had to R somehow....sucks that an A had to be the catalyst...but I think SOMETHING was in our future SOMETIME to make us realize R was needed).
....we are learning to R. Not got this right yet. I pray that I continue to have the courage to do this.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:01 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]
ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.
Posts: 5825 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Member # 37735
| Posted: 9:43 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013|
2 yrs 3 mos out & still unsure. But:
I would do anything to keep our family intact - anything for our 4 kids.
Once we have an empty nest, I will re-evaluate. WH has made a few baby steps, but he has until then ( about 5 yrs) to
really "get it."
Him: WH --Had 10 mo. EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011
Married 28 years/Together 29 years/4 kids together
OW 20 years younger than us/divorced no kids
Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be
Posts: 2490 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 39197
| Posted: 10:09 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013|
Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!
Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 34353
| Posted: 10:50 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013|
At 2 years there are days when I say yes and days I am not so sure. I know part of that is because of where we live and I can not wait to move from here.
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA and 10/28/15 NEW dday.
Posts: 1849 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Member # 33867
| Posted: 1:12 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013|
I am fortunate, my WH has been remorseful, has followed through with everything he said he would do, has been a model WH and has made an effort every day to be a better person, H, and father.
I have not experienced false R.
His actions do not lead me to believe he will cheat again.
Looking back I do not regret that I gave him a second chance.
Sadly however, I can never erase from my brain the fact that he cheated, he selfishly hurt me and, at the time, did not care. Sometimes I look at him and I can't help but see "that man, that horrible man" and think to myself, "I wish I were married to a man that did not do that"
I hate that this is any part of our history together.
ME: 57 BS
HIM: 64 WH
Married: 32 years
in R 6 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Posts: 2441 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 19717
| Posted: 1:26 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013|
Short answer, YES. Long answer, it was very hard. A long process and if he had not done his part, I would have kicked his ass to the curb.
It took much longer than I realized to fully find the close love with my husband again. Sex, well that was probably the hardest part for me. Still, he worked with me, for me and fought hard to win me back. He earned me again or I would not have stayed in the marriage.
Tonight I came to SI because it is my 29th wedding anniversary. Infidelity was on my 20th wedding anniversary...damn...9 yrs.
4 of those years were working on the marriage and healing. The last five years I have now been able to truly enjoy my husband's love. He is sober. I am happy and I have taken control of the finances.
He tells me he loves me. I am 56 yrs old and not the dandy lady I used to be, yet he tells me how beautiful I am. He sees me now in a way that is clear to him knowing that if ever, ever, ever....I am so gone and he will never get this bitchin' of a woman that loves him this much again ever, ever, again in his old sorry ass life.
And that is my attitude. Now and for always. He is damned lucky to have me...and he knows it now in a way he never did before.
Innocent people generally want to get to the bottom of things. Guilty people usually want the discussion to be over as soon as possible.
Posts: 10341 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Oregon
Member # 39996
| Posted: 1:36 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013|
For both of us the answer would definitely be YES!
Hell in a whirl wind is what we have called the last year of healing but we would never have gotten anywhere near to reinventing our marriage had this not stepped in. Unfortunately I think we were too much into our own worlds before the A reveal and we would have never been able to say the things to each other that we do now.
It is a yes from me !!!!
Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Member # 33202
| Posted: 7:34 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013|
I waver on this question.
Most of the time I think "yes". He is a better husband, our M is infinitely better and we love each other, but the fact remains that he chose his selfishness over the M and me. And he won't go to counseling. So I keep my options open.
Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 38541
| Posted: 7:42 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013|
Yes, I feel like we have both grown from this experience. While I feel that I was a very loving and supportive partner, this experience, as painful as it was has taught me a lot. I wont go into all the things I have learned, but I look at this the way I look at grief.
When my mum died, the only way I could make sense of it was to learn from it and make it mean something. I refused to be brought undone. I had to make my life amazing. But the only way I could do that was to somehow make her death a part of my life. This is who I was now.
Dont get me wrong, if my fiance had not worked as hard as he does, I would have used the same resolve to move on from our relationship. But as it turned out, i didnt have to. I do believe that reconciling is very, very hard and some days it seemed harder than breaking up.
Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 34671
| Posted: 8:37 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013|
Two years out and a big YES from both of us. It's been hard at times..and I rarely get through a week without some sort of sadness or tears. There are things in me and how trusting I am that will be changed forever...or at least I feel that way now. I love him as much as I ever did and he has put me first more than ever. He is a good man...we are lucky to have such a strong love.
Me - BS 58
H - WS 60/very remorseful and supportive
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic
Posts: 639 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
|Topic Posts: 33|