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Was it worth it in the end?

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YoungMistakes83 posted 8/16/2013 18:32 PM

A question for couples who have reconciled....

Are you glad you choose R? I know that we all would wish that it wasn't necessary in the first place, but when all is said and done do BS' and WS' look back and feel happy that they stayed together?

wifehad5 posted 8/16/2013 18:36 PM

For us, without a doubt yes

pewpewpew posted 8/16/2013 18:40 PM

A year out and I'm still unsure.
I have no idea what our future holds - whereas before the A I knew I would be with WH until the end. I never pictured a scenario where we would be apart.

I would do anything to keep our family intact - anything for my dd. I'd forgive him for anything.

I hope we are able to move tax What are you going l no Bonni

A aq

LosferWords posted 8/16/2013 18:42 PM

I'm almost three years out, and I would say that we are actively still reconciling. That being said, my current answer to your question would be "most days". Most days are worth it, and things are getting better from here.

HoldingTogether posted 8/16/2013 19:00 PM

Simple answer? Yes

The whole answer is too nuanced, too complicated and too individual to get into here. But simple answer: Yes. Knowing what i know now i would be fucking terrified at the prospect of what lay ahead, but I would still chose to Reconcile.

Hope that helps

AFrayedKnot posted 8/16/2013 19:23 PM

When I first got here I asked the same question.

And WH5 gave me the same answer.

I believed him. I thought if it worked for them. It could work for us.

So after a year of being here and 21 months from Dday....

For us, without a doubt yes

heartache101 posted 8/16/2013 19:30 PM

So far..Yes...

horaliar posted 8/16/2013 19:43 PM

To be honest, I have my days. I have days when I fantasize about how my life be now had I thrown him out of our house and filed for D right away, but then I immediately think that what might be the best for me is not the best for my daughter. Sadly, our little one is the glue that is keeping us together.

Jwayne10 posted 8/16/2013 20:26 PM

The first couple of years I had no idea, I was just glad the kids had their parents. But 4 years later I can say yes. We are happier now than ever before, we learned so much what love and marriage is truly about. I hate that it happened but I know we both wouldn't have become the people we are today.

brokengrandma52 posted 8/16/2013 20:45 PM

Sometimes I am amazed that I did not throw him out. Tomorrow will be our 50 th wedding anniversary. I am so glad that we stayed together. It is so worth it. Our celebration will be so special. He is still the one for me!!!

blakesteele posted 8/16/2013 21:32 PM

11 months out and I can't answer this. I too am hopeful it will be.

I DO know that I have more wisdom. I have yet to have full wisdom as to what a truly healthy, fully loving, intimacy nurturing marriage looks like...but I do realize we were not going that direction in our pre-a marriage. And, unlike my wifes affair, I WAS equally responsible for this.

Now I see R as an opportunity to achieve something we never had before and would most likely not have done had we not learned to R. (Meaning we would have had to R that an A had to be the catalyst...but I think SOMETHING was in our future SOMETIME to make us realize R was needed).

....we are learning to R. Not got this right yet. I pray that I continue to have the courage to do this.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:01 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]

mchercheur posted 8/16/2013 21:43 PM

2 yrs 3 mos out & still unsure. But:

I would do anything to keep our family intact - anything for our 4 kids.

Once we have an empty nest, I will re-evaluate. WH has made a few baby steps, but he has until then ( about 5 yrs) to
really "get it."

Kierst13 posted 8/16/2013 22:09 PM


jjsr posted 8/16/2013 22:50 PM

At 2 years there are days when I say yes and days I am not so sure. I know part of that is because of where we live and I can not wait to move from here.

RidingHealingRd posted 8/17/2013 01:12 AM

I am fortunate, my WH has been remorseful, has followed through with everything he said he would do, has been a model WH and has made an effort every day to be a better person, H, and father.

I have not experienced false R.

His actions do not lead me to believe he will cheat again.

Looking back I do not regret that I gave him a second chance.

Sadly however, I can never erase from my brain the fact that he cheated, he selfishly hurt me and, at the time, did not care. Sometimes I look at him and I can't help but see "that man, that horrible man" and think to myself, "I wish I were married to a man that did not do that"

I hate that this is any part of our history together.

tryingtwo posted 8/17/2013 01:26 AM

Short answer, YES. Long answer, it was very hard. A long process and if he had not done his part, I would have kicked his ass to the curb.

It took much longer than I realized to fully find the close love with my husband again. Sex, well that was probably the hardest part for me. Still, he worked with me, for me and fought hard to win me back. He earned me again or I would not have stayed in the marriage.

Tonight I came to SI because it is my 29th wedding anniversary. Infidelity was on my 20th wedding anniversary...damn...9 yrs.

4 of those years were working on the marriage and healing. The last five years I have now been able to truly enjoy my husband's love. He is sober. I am happy and I have taken control of the finances.

He tells me he loves me. I am 56 yrs old and not the dandy lady I used to be, yet he tells me how beautiful I am. He sees me now in a way that is clear to him knowing that if ever, ever, ever....I am so gone and he will never get this bitchin' of a woman that loves him this much again ever, ever, again in his old sorry ass life.

And that is my attitude. Now and for always. He is damned lucky to have me...and he knows it now in a way he never did before.

TxsT posted 8/17/2013 01:36 AM

For both of us the answer would definitely be YES!

Hell in a whirl wind is what we have called the last year of healing but we would never have gotten anywhere near to reinventing our marriage had this not stepped in. Unfortunately I think we were too much into our own worlds before the A reveal and we would have never been able to say the things to each other that we do now.

It is a yes from me !!!!

struggling16 posted 8/17/2013 07:34 AM

I waver on this question.

Most of the time I think "yes". He is a better husband, our M is infinitely better and we love each other, but the fact remains that he chose his selfishness over the M and me. And he won't go to counseling. So I keep my options open.

AppleBlossom posted 8/17/2013 07:42 AM

Yes, I feel like we have both grown from this experience. While I feel that I was a very loving and supportive partner, this experience, as painful as it was has taught me a lot. I wont go into all the things I have learned, but I look at this the way I look at grief.

When my mum died, the only way I could make sense of it was to learn from it and make it mean something. I refused to be brought undone. I had to make my life amazing. But the only way I could do that was to somehow make her death a part of my life. This is who I was now.

Dont get me wrong, if my fiance had not worked as hard as he does, I would have used the same resolve to move on from our relationship. But as it turned out, i didnt have to. I do believe that reconciling is very, very hard and some days it seemed harder than breaking up.

struggling3 posted 8/17/2013 08:37 AM

Two years out and a big YES from both of us. It's been hard at times..and I rarely get through a week without some sort of sadness or tears. There are things in me and how trusting I am that will be changed forever...or at least I feel that way now. I love him as much as I ever did and he has put me first more than ever. He is a good man...we are lucky to have such a strong love.

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