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I'm looking at him

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Kierst13 posted 8/16/2013 22:16 PM

He's sitting in his recliner and the TV is on, but he is staring off into space. When he stares off at nothing I wonder if he is thinking of her and wishing he could be there instead of here. He stares at nothing a lot.

changedforlife posted 8/16/2013 22:36 PM

I am so sorry. (((Kierst13)))

I understand how you are feeling and I think the same thing.

nestlee posted 8/16/2013 22:39 PM

Hopefully he's thinking about all the stupid shit he done. And the pain His actions caused U.

krazy8516 posted 8/16/2013 22:48 PM

My WH looks sad sometimes lately, and I can't help but wonder the same thing. When I ask him about it, he insists it's nothing and perks right up.

Have you asked him about it? "Penny for your thoughts?" perhaps?

Hopefully he's thinking about all the stupid shit he done. And the pain His actions caused U.



Kierst13 posted 8/17/2013 10:37 AM

At times I think I see him smile slightly when he seems to be somewhere else mentally and emotionally. I can't tell if it's my mind playing tricks on me, or if he's really smiling about whatever he is thinking about or seeing in his day dreams.

How sad is it that the man I loved and trusted had caused me to question the soundness of my own mind. He has completely destroyed my ability to trust anyone or anything, even my own mind.

Will I ever be able to KNOW he isn't dreaming of her? He didn't leave her willingly, if he has left her at all.

Do you have times you wonder if your WS is thinking/dreaming of their AP when they seem "absent" mentally? What did you do about it?

kickboxer posted 8/17/2013 12:26 PM

I'm a BW...and I'm fairly new at this role. I fully understand the thoughts that go through your head, but you might allow yourself the gift of 5-6 minutes to watch this video clip.

My husband and I attended a conference (Laugh Your Way) a few weeks ago, and it really helped me understand some of the differences between his brain and mine.

There's a good chance he's sitting in that recliner thinking about nothing.

TxsT posted 8/17/2013 13:52 PM

Whenever we catch ourselves right now staring into space each of us asks the other outright what we were thinking about. Now I know many of you would say you don't believe what your husband or wife tells you after what you have been through. But if your WS is as remorseful and disgusted with himself like mine is, chances are they are thinking about what they have done. Mine does a lot......and he thinks about the mess he has created.

He is truly trying to change. I am supporting him as best I can. Many WS do feel really horrible about what they have done.


TheRealDeal posted 8/17/2013 15:07 PM

kickboxer - I watched the video. thanks for the recommendation, it is a good reminder of the differences.

The comments by Txst are good especially

Whenever we catch ourselves right now staring into space each of us asks the other outright what we were thinking about.

trying to do the same here too. In the past, pre-A, we were both often guilty of the common "its nothing" or "I'm fine" or not even asking. But now we ask each other and try to respond with an explanation. sometimes it hurts, sometimes it causes anger, sometimes its just a feeling/emotion to be mentioned and let go, and sometimes it truly is "nothing", just totally daydreaming 1/2 awake, 1/2 asleep.
We both see the communication gaps we have. And lordy knows it's a continued struggle and not sure where it will lead but we are trying. i'm sure it's small basic steps for some couples, but its gotta begin somewhere so that's where we are.

(((kierst13))) maybe you can ask him what's on his mind when he does that?

Kierst13 posted 8/21/2013 10:10 AM

I took the advice in this thread and when happened last night I asked him what he was thinking. He said "Oh, uh, nothing, I'm tired." I asked if he was thinking about her and he said yes and that he was sorry. I asked what he was thinking about her and he said he missed her but he wanted to do the right thing by me because he loves me.

I knew he had to be thinking about her, because before his affair when he'd get that look in his eyes I'd ask and he would say he was thinking about me and he would smile. When i would ask what about he would tell me about a memory that popped into his head about us.

Now he thinks of her when that look is in his eyes.

tushnurse posted 8/21/2013 10:35 AM

Kierst - As painful as this is it is a big step toward healing. For many WS's it's tough to break the habit of the A, and the warm fuzzies they felt while in it. I liken it to thiniking about a vacation when work is overwhelming. It a way to escape from all of it. It's not so much that he misses her, but more the escape, and allusion of happiness....It is a very positive sign that he is able to share it with you. he knows that telling you the truth will hurt, but also gets that lying again will hurt even more.....
Try to call him out on those moments, be specific, what is so special about that time that you are daydreaming about it, what were you feeling in that moment. Then reassure him that what he felt wether it was happiness, adventure whatever, it was, WAS NOT reality. Reality is you still being there to be his support, to provide love. Then try to pick out a similar time in your history, and show him the differences and why yours was so much better.

It is hard to do sometimes, but when you do it, and get it right it can be a real lightbulb mind clarifying moment for them. An OH SHIT, what I was looking for all along was right here.

((((and strength))))

Lonelygirl10 posted 8/21/2013 10:47 AM

Sending you lots of hugs. If my WS said he was daydreaming about OW, that would likely cause me to cry for days. I've often wondered if he compares us in his head though. Or if he thinks about her. The answer would be too painful though, so I never ask the question. I'm sorry for the answer you got :(

Scubachick posted 8/21/2013 12:03 PM

I loved that video. I just sent it to my husband. The funny thing is we have the opposite problem. He see's me staring off into space. I'm usually replaying things they said to each other or thinking about them together. I don't do this fact I don't realize I'm doing it. I wish I was more aware of it because I know it hurts him and it's not exactly healthy for me either.

crazyblindsided posted 8/21/2013 15:03 PM

OMG Scubachick I'm just like you. I stare off into space (same reason as yours) and WH is always asking me what is wrong?

WhatsRight posted 8/21/2013 15:51 PM

What an amazing gift you gave your husband - to be able to hear his answer and let him be safe in his answer.

That will do nothing but fuel the fire for him to be more open in the future.

Great job! I know it must have felt awful!

WhatsRight posted 8/21/2013 16:02 PM

I also watched that film.

Yeah, in another life it might have been funny - but, loving to think about nothing? Not really funny.

Everyone laughing because a woman's thoughts and emotions are connected to each other? Not really funny.

Makes me want to be lesbian in my next life. So I can truly connect and share more of myself. Don't know what I will do about sex - but I'm not getting any now anyway!

sorry aabout the t/j

stupidgurl posted 8/21/2013 16:51 PM

I honestly thought that with his history of relapsing that he probably was thinking of her. He needs to control himself and stop doing that. He is just romanticizing the AP. That is very dangerous. If I allowed myself to give in to that thinking I would probably have relapsed too and gone right back to OM. It tried to get in, I am no saint, I would feel like "oh I miss him" for just one second, like he was some long lost friend. Then I was like "oh hell no!" I was not going to let thoughts like that interfere with my second chance at happiness with my BH. It is within WS's power to control it.

He obviously won't stop it on his own though.

Be frank with him, tell him that you want him to stop thinking about her. Tell him that he needs to stop thinking about her and that if she pops into his head he should kick her right out of his mind. She has no place in his mind, and no place in his life anymore.

His thoughts are for you and your family only from now on.

And if he keeps it up still go up to him, let him know you are right there, I don't know if you want to hug him, whatever you want to do. Take her hold on him away, you deserve it not her. Do what he used to do, remind him of a fun time from way back.

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