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Alexa posted 8/17/2013 02:11 AM

Ok so he went up north(we live in Michigan) to help his friend pack up the vacation home, boat, etc for the season. I actually believe him. He didn't even call or text to let me know he made it safe. I had to call him so I decided to check his/our cell phone account and he's been texting her. Why should I care if he made it up there safely? Am I that stupid? He kissed me before he left and says he loves me. I don't believe him. I don't believe anything he says any more. Don't know if I ever will. We went to one counseling session yesterday and the counselor said if he doesn't dump the OW then there's no point in us meeting with her. He says he will but I've been hearing that for weeks. I'm so confused because he continues to betray me. How long should I give him to leave her before I leave him?

crazynot posted 8/17/2013 02:50 AM

I have been where you are and the feelings are awful. You don't have to put up with this AT ALL... and it's really best that you don't.

crazynot posted 8/17/2013 02:53 AM

I was in exactly this situation... giving him time, pleading with him in therapy to give her up. Eventually he did for a while. I had the worst year of my life then he left. Honestly, I believe that if I had kicked him out on the lawn on day 1 we'd be more likely to still be together now. And I'd have saved myself a serious depression, a nearly career-ending year of crying in the toilet... Everything in us cries out to protect them from themselves, save the family, be there faithfully waiting, but this is a monstrous thing he's doing to you. He doesn't belong in your life while he's doing it. Please save yourself.

AppleBlossom posted 8/17/2013 05:01 AM

I am so very sorry.

The question isn't how long you give him, but how long you are prepared to be lied to and betrayed. He should be prepared to end his relationship with her immediately if your marriage has any chance.

I hope you are able to come to a decision in a way that gives you peace.

Holly-Isis posted 8/17/2013 06:10 AM

Well, wouldn't it be interesting if he came back to the locks changed, his crap in trash bags on the porch...better yet in front of her house...all after his cell phone is cut off.

Basically, what is your line in the sand? He's not going to stop if he doesn't have some consequences. Is the A been outed? Has he had to deal with anything besides you being sad, angry, betrayed?

Alexa posted 8/17/2013 06:48 AM

Thank you for your comments. Here is where my confused head is.

I have given him an ultimatum to choose between me and OW. I am prepared to divorce him and I have told him to leave. He won't. I'm not sure why but he refuses. Maybe because leaving is harder than staying and he's lazy. In fact, I suggested and prefer that he leave until he decides what to do with his life. I will be prepared regardless his decision. If he decides not to decide, I will do it for him because he can't have us both. I'm getting my finances in order in preparation for a divorce if/when that day comes because I'm not sure I love him enough to stay anymore. We've had many problems for the last few years and I'm not sure if he's worth keeping. Some days he's very attentive and other days he's a real jerk. The sincerity of his actions are in question as well as his truthfulness which will always be questioned. I don't know if I'll ever trust him again and that alone will stress me and him out and create yet another relationship issue. I guess time will tell and he's on limited time. I just want this resolved so I can move on. I can't take the limbo state. Sometimes, I think I want to go out and have some fun and see what other men are like. I think I need to sow some oats regardless if we stay together or not. I also think I'm just as confused as he is. Has anyone else felt like this?

2long posted 8/17/2013 08:30 AM

If you're going 2 make ultimatums, you need 2 follow through, or he'll know you don't mean them.

If you don't have kids, and you're young, why stay married 2 such a person? At the least, talk 2 a lawyer and get the ball rolling. If either of you are inclined 2 truly want 2 save the marriage, how the 2 of you respond 2 your filing could be very telling.

And it's a lot better than limbo, which isn't really an option at all.

Don't date until you're not married, ok?

-ol' 2long

womaninflux posted 8/17/2013 08:38 AM

I agree with the suggestion of changing the locks. I wish I had done this when I discovered affair 5 months ago. It was followed by another 2 weeks of seeing the AP before he admitted to having an affair. The AP decided they should "take a break." WTF? By that time we were in counseling. The next month he did not see her but he texted with her (to what extent I don't know...he probably downplays this). Finally, the next month, he ended it and we changed to a better MC and it has slowly been getting better, especially with the addition of a CSAT in the mix of therapists (WH is SAWH).

I say pack him a bag, change the locks before his return from up north. Tell him he can get the rest of his stuff at a mutually convenient time (when the kids are not in the house). You will want to make sure he doesn't take anything other than his clothes and personal belongings.

Talk with a lawyer about your options. Whatever you do, don't leave the house yourself.

Josephine01 posted 8/17/2013 10:09 AM

Alexa,

How old are your children? If they have moved out already. Could you stay with one of them for a while? File for divorce. Tell him you have contacted a lawyer to see what you can do about the house.

If your kids still live there it could be harder, but contact the lawyer, see what rights you have. Definitely, 180 his ass. Don't let him kiss you good-bye or anything of the sort.

It could bring him out of this selfish roller coaster he has put the two of you on.

Getting to Happy posted 8/17/2013 13:18 PM

Please do not abandon the house. He could use this against you in a divorce.

The disrespect stops when you say it stops.

Hefty bag his crap and bring it over to the OW's house. Change the locks.

Shock and Awe will knock Mr. Alexa off the cake-eating fence.

Don't tell him you are doing this. Let the OW do that. Because you already know they are in communique.

Hell he might have texted her to join him up north...

Find your inner strength. Wipe the doormat sign off of your chest. Don't let your WH and the OW stomp your heart.

You can do this. Reach down deep and pull the smart and strong Alexa to the fore...She is in there waiting for you find her bitch boots!

gonnabe2016 posted 8/17/2013 21:39 PM

By choosing to remain in contact with OW he has already communicated his decision to you.

You want to show him that you mean business?
File for divorce and request temporary orders that grant you exclusive use of the marital home. That way he HAS to leave.

He's cheating on you. He doesn't have the 'luxury' of ever acting like a jerk, IMO.

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