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Reconciled and Engaged, but the issues never leave us

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AppleBlossom posted 8/17/2013 05:08 AM

Hello all. I have been an avid reader of this forum, but not posted as much as I would have liked.

My partner and I went on a five week trip overseas recently and while we were away he proposed marriage and I accepted.

I thought long and hard about this in the weeks leading up to it, as we had discussed where we were going and what the future held for us. The last few months have been intense, painful, exhilerating and full of growth and change for both of us.

The upshot is, he has done so much to heal himself and support me while I heal. I stayed with this man because ultimately I believe in him, love the real person that he is and know that provided he continues to be honest and truthful with himself and me we can be very, very happy.

However, we still have our challenges. He told me last week that there was a chance he was going overseas for a week with work. I triggered very very badly, cried a lot and thought for a minute that I couldnt go through with marriage. It has been such a hard road for me, as I have had to learn to love myself and value my own life before I could even think of opening my heart to him again. The thought of worrying about infidelity for the rest of my life had me feeling defeated and quite distraught.

But, he worked through it with me, never once made me feel bad for doubting him and our future, let me know in so many ways how much he was committed to our future.

We are arranging couples counselling before we get married so we can get some extra support in dealing with this, as well as our blended family.

I want to thank you all for being so raw and honest and brave. You have helped me more than you will ever know.

Now that I am not such a selfishly emotional basket case, I hope to give a lot more back to this community.

blakesteele posted 8/17/2013 06:28 AM

Congratulations! I think you are starting from a good spot. As I have learned from my experience with wife has a predisposition to secrecy and hiding and suppressing her feelings. And I have a fear of abandonment that gets in the way of how I express myself.

My point in telling you this? You may get members that advise against your marriage. And i have offered another member on here the advice to postpone their marriage once before...but, and this is the big difference, her fiancé was NOT really moving forward on working on himself and their wedding was quickly approaching (they were engaged before he cheated, then had an inappropriate bachelor party)..

Statistics say 30-70% of all marriages are affected by adultery. This is why your path improved your odds of successfully working out. Through this "pre-martiage experience" you will identify FOO and other issues that were hidden from my wife and I for decades. Giving you guys a solid road map to an authentic marriage.

Should be a little easier for you too (not that you have it easy) in that you, unlike me, don't have decades worth of experiences and two children that factor into this. I have to make sense of what was true and what was a lie during those times, what was true and lies during my wife's fog (and what she said and emailed and wrote during that extremely destructive time) and who we really are.

So I am hopeful for you both and wish you the best. Keep taking advantage of counseling and reading and involvment in SI. Golden opportunity to actually do what many of us thought we were doing...have an authentic, deeply intimate marriage till death do you part.

God be with you both.

Jrazz posted 8/17/2013 09:53 AM

Please don't ever worry about the contribution ratio here.

The whole point of the site is to help you heal. We give back when it feels natural, and it sounds like you still have a lot to process (good stuff, too!)

Post whatever you need when you need to.

girlsbird posted 8/17/2013 11:04 AM

My SO of 22 yrs(then) cheated for 6 months. We worked hard, got engaged and married. Although there are times that "stuff" pops up he continues to love me thru these things. Do what you feel is right for you and your family

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