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He wants to to reconcile but...

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strongerdaybyday posted 8/17/2013 09:54 AM

Today (we're only about 7 weeks past d-day) we had a huge argument about his A. For the 1st month or so he's shown remorse and more often then not he shows remorse. However, today, we got into a huge argument. He says crap like "well maybe if you didn't kick me out that one time" (which I immediately regretted and asked him to come back) and "we were arguing so much" like those are excuses??? Yes, our marriage was experiencing problems but whose marriage hasn't? I was trying so hard to patch up our problems, and yes I kicked him out because the arguing reached a point that I thought was unhealthy for our 3 DD's. I wanted MC or IC at that time because I thought we should try to fix our marriage. Anyway, I feel that unless we agreed to officially D or separate it doesn't give him a pass to have an A!! What if I was having the A?? Would he just get over it? I doubt it. So now what? How can I reconcile when he is making excuses for bad behaviour...I think 7 weeks is too soon to decide to R or not. I'm still really angry and really hurt and today's excuses put me over the top. He later apologized and said it was a defense mechanism because I was attacking him and he didn't know what to say.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:57 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]

PrincessPeach06 posted 8/17/2013 10:04 AM

My H and I had a rough couple months after Dday. The two things that helped us were learning good coping skills/cognitive thinking with a therapist and him reading "how to help your spouse heal from your affair". The book was a MAJOR turning point for us because I think it finally got him to open his eyes and see the whole picture as to how badly he did screw things up.

(((strongerdaybyday)))

sisoon posted 8/17/2013 11:54 AM

I think 7 weeks is too soon to decide to R or not.

I agree. I think it's a lot easier to commit to R if you see your WH consistently and actively doing the work needed to R.

Shirley Glass mentions a stage of 'working on your M' before actual R. You start to work on issues and see how that goes. If you resolve issues during this stage, it bodes well for R. If you don't find the common ground you need to resolve issues, R may not be a good idea.

Bottom line: Don't commit to R until and unless you're ready.

jjsr posted 8/17/2013 16:18 PM

At this point I don't know if you can know and I will say you should be in MC (IMHO). If he wont do that then I think the answer to R would be a big fat NO.

whattheh posted 8/17/2013 16:37 PM

Check out two books by Janice Abrams Springs and read them with your spouse.
How Can I Forgive You?
After the Affair

These are helping me and my H tremendously and we are not doing counselling because of the cost and we want to work thru this together.

But you are early in this process so expect bumpy roads ahead. I'm six months in and even though we still have some tense arguments or discussions we are recovering from them more quickly and easily. And he is working on not being so defensive.

The Forgivenss book talks about genuine forgiveness which means he has to earn it and you have to make a path for it to happen. He doesn't get a free pass in this scenario. So one thing he will learn is that he should be supportive of you instead of defensive.

My fWH is still working on this but he is human and still gets angry too when I go too far. Part of the reason he cheated was because he had poor coping skills so I've learned to cut him some slack and try not to let his angry words get to me too personally. He is doing the same for me and also understands that I am experiencing PTSD so I'm not doing this to be manipulative or to punish him (he's sees it as me suffering if/when I go off the deep end).

Also the fact that we sometimes fight means that we are both present and trying to work a problem out together even though we sometimes go about it wrong. It's a sign of passion. If we didn't care then we would detach withdraw and divorce.

Another I learned is that my fWH was waiting for the other shoe to drop as time passed. In other words he thought I would divorce him. When I was angry he thought it meant I hated him and he didn't understand why I would ever forgive him and move forward. This is a difference that he and I have. I've always told him I hate what he did but I still love him. He took it to mean I hate him. So there are times in anger when two people just get interpret things wrong. The books helped us talk through our differences.

Another important thing we've learned is that anger is a cover emotion. So the book says to talk about the underlying things (how you're feeling instead of the details of what someone did). So you might be angry because you were afraid of being abandoned, etc. Sometimes we revisit the things that were argued about and talk about the underlying feelings because it can be hard to do in the heat of the moment.

I've made a big effort to share all my feelings with him (good or bad). This keeps us closer as neither one of us goes off and pouts for too long. If I'm sad or upset he knows about it. I'm holding him to what I told him on dDay ("You made this mess so now you have to help clean it up").

Sometimes reading the books together helps pull us out of a "funk" if we've just argued.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:47 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

strongerdaybyday posted 8/17/2013 18:35 PM

So you might be angry because you were afraid of being abandoned, etc.

This^^^

I'm afraid of trusting and getting broken all over again.

But, I agree we're going to pursue MC and see what happens. Thanks for all the advice

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