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TattoodChinaDoll posted 8/17/2013 11:17 AM

After all the chances I've given him, after opening myself up to be hurt again and again, after all the emotional abuse, after all the special things lost, etc. etc....I feel like I'm owed something. Owed what? I'm finding it hard to find words to describe it...the closest. I can come is a guarantee. But I'm not dumb...I know there are no guarantees in life. He could leave tomorrow...he could still be having an affair with co-worker OW. And I can't do anything about it. I know I can't make things I want come faster, or at all. It's that unfair feeling and it's unnerving. I keep on saying, "what about me?" I feel forgotten by him and the universe because it was either about him or us. I want us. So of course I need to make it about us. But if I feel anything I feel like I have to stuff it because then it stops being about us and moving us forward. I feel like I'm just having giant selfish tantrums about myself.

sisoon posted 8/17/2013 11:40 AM

Me, too. The thing is, R is sort of binary - it's right or it's wrong. 95% honest isn't good enough. Only 100% is - and there's no such thing as 110% honest or remorseful, etc.

Once I realized 100% remorseful was as good a it gets, the feeling of being owed something became much les of a problem. It took me only 30+ months from the start of R to get there....

StepAside posted 8/17/2013 12:56 PM

I feel like I'm owed something...I *think* I'm owed the answer to 'what about me?'. His A's were not about me, that part I get (mostly) MC...we've had 2 councillors...sessions seem to quickly evolve to become about Him. His problems. His tragic childhood. His f*ckedupedness. And I sit there and feel like I'm in yet another one of his sessions that I really can’t participate in. What about me? I'm done hemorrhaging out, I'm done with the shock of it all, I've even reached a degree of acceptance...but I find I've been 'standing' here waiting. Waiting for my turn (?) waiting for things to be about me. My wants, my needs, my... ? I just don't know. I do know that I'm tired of waiting. I think I'm in limbo now. I can honestly say that I feel nothing but slight distaste when he is around. I hate the way he continues to bullshit his way around this marriage and life (stupid things, like not going to the bank when he said he was, shit like that) I hate that he can and does simply disconnect with me, our marriage, our family. I hate that when I bring up reminders of what I said I would not tolerate, it sets him farther into his petulance, sitting on the computer playing his game with his back literally and figuratively to me. I hate that it has taken me this long to realize that WE are NOT in R, it was me wanting it, facilitating what I thought were building blocks to our future. Taking an emotional hit while he had intense IC for well over a year, waiting for him to get his head straightened somewhat so we could do MC. Taking a huge financial hit sending him back to school after he lost his job (laid off…but really was it because of the misuse of company time/email/resources…I suspect it was) and damaging my credit rating severely. So, I feel I am owed something. At least honesty. Sh*t or get off the pot MrStepAside, you owe me that.

Sorry I t/j’d this, I guess this is MY giant selfish tantrum about myself. I just wanted you to know TCD, I get where you are coming from. I really really get it

foundoutlater posted 8/17/2013 13:34 PM

TCD – not much help here but I think I know what you mean. For me, after the anger started to subside the punishment or retribution feeling was there, then the “I’m owed” feeling. I think I might be past the “I’m owed” feeling, and I think I’m finding that it really is my desire for something concrete. I think it is similar to what you said in looking for a guarantee. I’m starting to think that maybe I can come up with something that is concrete if she were not committed to the M. I’m far from figuring it out for me but I have been mulling over a post-nup but I don’t know if that’s going to help. Like I said not much help but hopefully it helps knowing others spin around the same neighborhood.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 8/17/2013 16:11 PM

This is a real big struggle for me because it is making me lose my faith. And I hate that. I prayed and prayed not for answers, but just for my eyes to be open. I didn't ask for a giant flashing neon sign. And what I've seen is miracles for others, blessings for others, and nothing for me. If anything I see how I continue to lose. And I feel so damn bad saying that. Because I don't think I'm more deserving compared to someone else. I just feel deserving in my situation. I hate myself for thinking I'm deserving of a miracle while WH's coworker's daughter is dying of cancer. I don't know...maybe now that he has changed (knock on wood), I realize how much patience I've used up. Maybe that change was my miracle. Beggars can't be choosers?

foundoutlater posted 8/17/2013 16:56 PM

With all you have worked through it’s really impressive too me that you say you are losing your faith. That sounds wrong. I’m impressed that you have not felt more of a disconnect than you already to. Since DDay I’ve dealt with some loss as well as this infidelity and FOO. I don’t think it compares to some of what you have dealt with. I could have not predicted my reaction to it all. I thought I knew me pretty well. Through it all I lost me completely. Not one thing for me was solid anymore. It was a complete break from my reality. My faith was right there with it – all that I believed was in question. I have been listening to a pop-Christian radio lately just to help me try and get that connection back, hoping that the constant placement of thought will help. When you say you feel guilty for looking for a miracle. I don’t think you are looking for a miracle, but instead just looking for someone to work on themselves and change. And asking for help is what we do when we need help.

You know that concrete feeling I’m looking for I don’t think it’s a guarantee I need. I think I’m looking for safety. I want to feel safe. I’ve seen it here so many times that it takes time, and it’s what you do with that time. Thank you for writing about what you are struggling with. I think this reflection is helping me see I need to just keep focusing on me, wading through it, knowing that I will feel like this sometimes, knowing I don’t always know how it will feel for me, but knowing it will be ok if I keep working on myself to make that my reality – that I will be ok. I think DS has said just a few times around here you have to feel it to heal it. I need to keep working on what I do with it all.

I don’t know if this is at all helpful. Maybe a real short answer is you need a break? A couple days where you do things for you? If everything is overwhelming even a couple of hours helps me.

whattheh posted 8/17/2013 19:44 PM

I felt like I was owed something early on. I had a huge moral battle within myself to accept this and move into R.

It's very unfair that faithful spouses can be disrespected like this and subjected to dangers and risks (STD's, Bunny Boilers, etc.) without our permission or knowledge. In many instances in our society we would be due retribution for such wrongdoing by another (especially one who we have a legally binding agreement with). I'm a strong believer that adultery should be a crime (assault and abuse type of crime) because I did feel (to my very core) assaulted and abused by this.

On a lighter note I did make $6,000 as fWH agreed to pay $1,000 for each item the whore left in my house (she intentionally left these for me to find to tramautize me). He didn't know how many there would be at the time he agreed.

[This message edited by whattheh at 7:48 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

jo2love posted 8/17/2013 20:29 PM

whattheh -

Please remember to follow the guidelines when posting.

There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum. Thank you.

womaninflux posted 8/17/2013 20:31 PM

I feel like I am owed about $50K or maybe more...that was about the amount of $ my H spent over 2.5 years on his tramp. Jewelry, trips, dining and entertainment...they had a GREAT time. Some of that $ is marital $.

I told my H that was the boat we could have purchased for our vacation home.

jo2love posted 8/17/2013 21:20 PM

womaninflux -

Please remember to follow the guidelines when posting.

There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum. Thank you

Everyone -
If it continues we will be forced to move this thread to General.

Thank you.

Teach8 posted 8/18/2013 07:26 AM

Hey TCD...I hear ya. Have felt and still feel the same thing sometimes. I'm not particularly religous, but still felt that somehow the universe had lined up against me. I have said to my H that due to my very strong sense of justice, fairness, whatever you want to call it...that this is very difficult for me. When I see so many stories about karma on here, I often wonder what I could have done to have the karma bus run me over in such a horrible way...and not just the infidelity. Lately, what I've been trying to do is build my faith in myself again. This hasn't been easy but I'm trying daily to take more control over my own thoughts and actions. When I start to dwell on the unfairness of it all, I have to actively tell myself to stop and try to change those thoughts to things I can change and control. It is so hard but we can't change things that have already happened, but we can change what happens in the future. Well some things anyway...I think you will find your faith again. Its there...and when you are ready to fully embrace it...you will find comfort there. (TCD)

[This message edited by Teach8 at 7:28 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]