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Persistent stbxso - what to do?

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burnt_toast posted 8/17/2013 11:27 AM

I need your advice here.

My STBX SO can't accept the idea that a separation means we cannot be friends right away. He can't leave me alone more than 10 days without attenpting contact or inviting me to do something with him (pretending he's over it and casual about the whole thing which is far, far from the truth: he's desperate).

As many know, he's not ready to be friends neither am I. It's been only 6 weeks and in that period, he broke my attempts for NC multiple times, told me he intended to marry me and handed me a very advanced suicide plot.

We will start working on selling our condo in Sept. Till then I really need to have him work on detaching otherwise I'm afraid it's gonna be hell! Also, I have no reason to be in bad terms with him. He didn't cheat. It was just not meant to be. I'm the one who left. But my oppinion is that greif is about detachment. We both have to work on quitting the habit of being in each other's lives.

Basically, I just need him to respect my need for NC unless it's business (condo).

I'm pondering between 1) ignoring his attempts to reach out (no reward on reaching out - as even argumenting is a form of contact), or 2) sending a short and clear reply (but then, what to write so he gets it?).


[This message edited by burnt_toast at 11:32 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]

yewtree posted 8/17/2013 11:39 AM

Ignore. Do not engage. Every time you respond you give him hope.

phmh posted 8/17/2013 11:55 AM

Ignore. If you want to read the psychology behind it, google "Extinction burst" as it may get worse before it gets better.

"Hey -- this worked before! Now I will contact her 15 times and then she'll respond." and then if you respond, you've just raised the bar, and next time he'll be willing to send 45 unsolicited e-mails.

Good luck

Sad in AZ posted 8/17/2013 12:26 PM

If you absolutely have to correspond about the condo, do you have anyone in your life that could read his emails first, edit out all of the extraneous bs and just give you the info you need?

Nature_Girl posted 8/17/2013 15:10 PM

This is the kind of guy who freaks me out. Please review your personal/physical safety procedures. Make sure your locks on doors & windows are functioning. If you have alarms, arm them. Be more aware of your surroundings, be more aware of people around you. This is the kind of guy who we read about on the news or see profiled on "I Survived" stories. Please don't be his victim.

burnt_toast posted 8/17/2013 20:24 PM

Thanks for the tip about "extinction burst". Good read.

Yes, if I have to, I might put someone between us. I'll see. My dad offered when things got too emotionnal during my D and it proved a good idea.

This week I had a text saying he would call. He said nothing stressfull or about the condo. I let the call go to my voicemail. He was calling to see "if I was allright". As if I was the one needing help! Then today, a facebook message. He was inviting me for a picknic tomorrow morning "to have a relaxed time together before we tackle the stressfull stuff". I ignored it. Before the call and the picknic invite, he had written to my BFF saying how hard it was for him to be NC. He knew she'd tell me out of transparencey.

Sure, with the suicide thing that happened just 10 days ago, it makes me more wary. Not scared as per se, but I can't help wondering what he'll be like the day he'll access his anger about the separation since he's so dramatic. It's probably better, for instance, that he doesn't get my temporary address, or that we don't meet alone. I don't want to get paranoïd though - I'm already a pretty anxious person, I don't want to make scenarios. I can always speak to his IC if I have those worries.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 8:28 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

exhausted lady posted 8/18/2013 00:00 AM

It's been only 6 weeks and in that period, he broke my attempts for NC multiple times, told me he intended to marry me and handed me a very advanced suicide plot

Ummm.....I'm very, very glad you are getting this person out of your life!

NC. NC. NC!!!

He is showing the classic signs of the male version of a bunny-boiler. Please be very careful of your personal security and surroundings at all times. You mentioned being wary of when he hits the "anger phase". I think you are very right about that.

You're not being are just listening to your gut, and I think it's sending you some very clear signals about this guy.

Is there any way you could get your dad to act as your Attorney-In-Fact for the whole condo thing? Then you would never have to deal with the drama king - ever again.

Seriously, don't engage with this dude. He's sending out some very clear *not okay* signals.

burnt_toast posted 8/18/2013 07:55 AM

Okay, you guys are
freaking. me. out.

wildbananas posted 8/18/2013 09:52 AM

I'm sorry I have to add to the chorus, bt, but this makes me really uneasy, too. Please go as NC as possible and yes, put someone in between you to handle the sale of the condo. I'd even consider just handing it over to a real estate agent or attorney to handle and calling it good. And phmh is right - as long as you keep eventually responding, he'll continue to up his game to get that response.

This guy sounds desperate and you just can't engage with desperate. Please be careful and aware of your safety.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 9:53 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]

Random thoughts posted 8/18/2013 22:07 PM

Pepper spray or mace in hand when walking to and from your house, car work etc. Air horn too.

His actions, suicide attempt and everything else going on in his life all the let downs and finally the breakup with you might be the final straw.

Please be careful.

lieshurt posted 8/19/2013 07:05 AM

My STBX SO can't accept the idea that a separation means we cannot be friends right away.

I think you also need to start examining why you would consider being friends with this guy at all. His true self has been revealed and it's scary.

jjct posted 8/19/2013 07:42 AM

Curious about your choice of words, bt (still my favorite nic!)

What do you mean: handed me a very advanced suicide plot.

Like, written down?
If so, why not go to the authorities? can also contact the local DA, get a PO.

Please don't let our advice upset you, ok?
We're only trying to help bt.
We got your back.

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