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Help me explain this to my WH

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mysticpenguin posted 8/17/2013 12:46 PM

Hello everyone --

I need your help. I plan to print the responses to this post (copy-paste into a word doc) and give it to my WH.
I just got some new info about the infidelity.

Can you all maybe help me, with anecdotes or data or facts or whatever you have, express to him that: #1. New information breeds new questions. #2. Asking and answering questions is a trust-building exercise. #3. Rug-sweeping is BAD news... etc?

We are in an open marriage...

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:18 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

mysticpenguin posted 8/17/2013 18:02 PM


we are in an open marriage

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:18 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

ccw82 posted 8/17/2013 18:09 PM

I am going to say the same thing I mentioned in another thread:

*He* messed this up. *He* betrayed your trust. *He* must be willing to meet your terms (no matter what they are, whatever they may be) if he truly wants reconciliation with you!

IMO, #1 - yes, new information breeds new questions; #2 - asking and answering DOES build trust (it's part of the full disclosure, open and honest part of reconciliation); #3 - rug sweeping, sugar coating, and TT is very, VERY bad news...just ask my WH.

krazy8516 posted 8/17/2013 18:12 PM

"You don't want me to go out and be social and that's who I am. You don't want me to be who I am."

This sounds exactly like my WH after I asked him to go NC with the OW ("You're always trying to take everything away from me!").

He doesn't sound very remorseful, IMO. Mine took another 2.5 weeks (and me outing the affair to the OW's BF) for him get it.

I'm not going down this road again.

I don't blame you, and I wouldn't either. I have every intention of filing for divorce if my H ever makes me feel like that again. I had just made it to the edge of that decision when he seemed to change his mind about being an ass.

::hugs:: to you. It will get better, one way or another.

whattheh posted 8/17/2013 18:31 PM

He sounds like he's doing a lot of deflecting and blameshifting so he doesn't have to do the work necessary to make your marriage work and to get through this.

He needs to earn your forgiveness and support you in your healing process. This means he gives you any details you ask for and he stops acting defensively. He needs to check his ego and pride at the door and address underlying feelings with you. The cheating was all about him but the healing initially has to be all about you first (but he could always work in IC on his issues).

Would IC be a good idea esp for him? He may even have SA tendencies given the multiple occurrences and the counselor could help figure that out and come up with strategies to mitigate.

Question for you is whether he is up to the challenge. This will be one of the hardest things you will face in your marriage. And if you can't get thru this with no more cheating you will have a great marriage and be a stronger team as a result.

[This message edited by whattheh at 6:32 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

ladies_first posted 8/18/2013 16:53 PM

Why is this happening? Something is changing or has changed. I hadn't cried in months until three days ago and now I've cried twice in three days.

He is returning to college in a few weeks. Which, yes, is a trigger for me. (He cheated on his 'main' ex prolifically while in college.)

Seems clear to me. And you, too.

brainless twit posted 8/18/2013 17:48 PM

I often compare the need to know to finding out you have a medical problem. Imagine that your doctor comes in and says "Okay, I'm going to prescribe a medication for you." What's the first thing you'll ask? What's wrong with me? You can't wrap your head around a situation or try to recover until you know what you're recovering FROM.

Now imagine that you're already being treated for a particular medical problem. At a checkup, your doctor says, "Oh, by the way, we need to add another medication to your regimen." Aren't you going to want to know what has changed and what the new issue is? Of course you are!

Every time there is new information, it's like finding out all over again. Every time you find something out, you have to adjust to this new reality you've been presented with. The more new info that comes out, the more realities you have to adjust to, which often involves going through all the turmoil and hurt and anger all over again. This is why it's better for the WS to just spill it all out at once; you get it over with and there's nothing new for the BS to find out.

I've heard many WS say that if the BS knew everything, s/he would leave. The fact is, in your case specificially mysticpenguin, you ALREADY know enough to make you want to walk away. Yet for whatever reason you're still there, still trying. At this point I'm sure it's not like one more sexual encounter in the past is going to be the last straw... But the lying and hiding might.

The BS must know that they have all the facts. Again, you can't recover without knowing what you're recovering from. The BS deserves to know that the secrets are out in the open and the lies have stopped. As long as there's more to the story, I firmly believe the WS is not truly remorseful and/or is being selfish instead of committed to helping the BS heal.

My XWH is fond of saying that he has already hurt me enough and doesn't want me to hurt even more. That's great, but the fact is, I would rather hurt all at once than do it over months or years. I would rather just know what I'm facing so I can make a decision about it and move on somehow. And he darn sure doesn't get angry when I'm upset because he knows that makes it worse.

It's impossible for him to recall every detail - I know that. But as things come up, his best bet is to answer honestly no matter how hard it is. When you ask a question and he answers with the truth, it helps you trust him (1) not to do those things to you again and (2) to support you when you're struggling. For me personally, after a Q&A session where my XWH can respond without anger, I feel closer to him and happier than I was before. It's a major help as we struggle to R and one of the few reasons I'm sane enough to respond to this thread right now.

standingonmarble posted 8/18/2013 18:26 PM

It is not your job to spend the rest of YOUR life in the role of HIS conscious. Either he does right by you or you two split, simple as that. When he can come to you ready to commit and be the type of man who makes a good reliable partner , then you can be comfortable putting your trust and faith back into this.

As far as I can see, he wants this all to go away without doing any of the hard work of reconciliation. I wouldn't be surprised if he has more dark secrets he hasn't shared and has plans or is still betraying you, one way or another.

Don't feel bad for asking for what you expect/want. It isn't anything that anyone else would expect in a marriage. You have every right to ask/expect a faithful husband that put the relationship above anything else. Especially after an affair.

Ask him to be totally honest with he ability to meet your needs and the needs of reconciliation. If he can't do it, thank him for his honesty and walk away.

You can't nice him back and really, if you could, would you want him on his terms??

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