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Advice requested before my head explodes. (warning: swearing)

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Helen of Troy posted 8/17/2013 14:06 PM

Fucktard is still saying he will deduct money owed to me for medical copays if I continue to carry a purse he gave to dd. Remember, she didn't want it.
Anyway HOW can he decide what goes on in my home?
And do I have to answer him?
If he doesn't pay HE gets in trouble, right? "Ugh, state of <> dept of revenue, see I didn't pay medical because xw is carrying a purse ow bought for dd that she didn't want. and see she never answered me even after I asked in email three times"
Judge "You're right! don't pay what you owe for the medical health of your own children. She's a gold-digger who doesn't deserve it! She got dental services for your child's dental pain, but that doesn't matter because she is stealing gifts! You're such a poor little baby, how sad for you victim-boy. Wahhhhhh"

This is MY HOME MY LIFE.
I don't but into his parenting when it is his time even when I really want to. He just said he never got a response to the purse withholding money threat.
SI, what do I say?

And just now:
"DD called expressing how upset she was with your decision to place the girls in after-school care until 6 pm every day. From what I gathered (other DD) was not pleased either. I was wondering what has prompted this choice after 3 years of the girls being in a "latch key" situation, only because it upset DD so much. She also said you refused to take them to dinner as it was "not in the budget" after both girls got ready to go out and look forward to their one meal a week out with their mom. "

WHo gives a fuck? I mean really.
I never said "Your dad is a loser who is late with CS, we're desperate this week"
which we kind of are because he is late and he hasn't paid (reimbursed for his half) medical bills that I already spent money for because DD was in dental pain and infection.
Is this his projected cover up because he isn't paying?
I feel so much resentment toward this intrusion into my life. Now broke but trying to keep it my own business and private. Ow/nw sends dd clothes, ok fine. but her email said she "won't send a gift card so your mom won't be in control of it" what a dumb barely literate redneck trailer-fabulous bitch.
Afterschool care is for other (personal) reasons and so they're supervised so I am able to work and attend class to make our lives better and with less financial struggle. Since WHEN is this his concern, he isn't paying for it. I mean what the fuck?
WHEN will my life by MY OWN.
Who does he think he is?
Do I have to reply?
How can I reclaim my power while being ethical, yet firm and boundary-enforcing?
Please help.
I am open to suggestions.

Feeling so angry!
no worries I will not respond to that piece of crap in anger or while emotional.

Helen of Troy posted 8/17/2013 14:14 PM

2nd email


asshat NPD emotional age 5 years
1:15 PM (1 hour ago)

to Will Get By
"I never got a response about this situation."

From: asshat NPD emotional age 5 years
To: Will Get By
Subject: RE: Girls' medical receipts thru 7/30/13 2ND ATTEMPT
Date: Sun, 4 Aug 2013 13:56:00 -0400

"As I understand it and have seen in pictures you continue to use the black Coach purse I bought for <>. if she is not allowed to have it then it needs to be sent back to me. If she is allowed to have it but you continue to carry it I will be deducting the cost of the purse from monies owed to you. I did not buy that purse for you to carry. I bought it for <> bottom line. Also any item you seem inappropriate for the girls which we purchase shall be returned to us not thrown away. If you don't approve that is your choice however it is not your right to throw away,donate or otherwise get rid of gifts from us to the girls. "

Take2 posted 8/17/2013 14:30 PM

He didn't ask a question - so no need to answer. But it pings my radar that he wrote:

I was wondering what has prompted this choice after 3 years of the girls being in a "latch key" situation, only because it upset DD so much.

It sounds like he could be laying a foundation for custody... which would make the CS issue go away....? (maybe I'm paranoid.)

So part of me is tempted to respond:

I try to make sure that the children are not privy to financial concerns. So rather than say, "Your father is behind in CS payments, and is refusing to reimburse me for the out of pocket medical expenses for your dental bill." I make the choices I have to, as I have to, and just say, for example, that a night out at this time is: "Not in the budget."

Meh...Maybe crickets is better.

Take2 posted 8/17/2013 14:34 PM

cross-posted...

As for the purse - gosh it seems so petty, I don't know what to say... Got any shrimp on hand? can you do some simply seam ripping...

devistatedmom posted 8/17/2013 14:36 PM

I have to assume that your daughter is older, since she bought her a coach purse. Can she not tell them she gave the purse to you because it didn't suit her? I mean, she should help with this part!

The rest of it? He's an ass. I think you do need to reply, but I can't think of the right wording at the moment. I'm too ticked for you!

Dental expenses are a medical expense which he owes as per court order. Send him that copy of the agreement? Say anything that enters your home can be dealt with by you as you see fit. If you take the kids out to dinner or not is none of his business.

I think you need to talk to a lawyer, and maybe just have them write a letter for you? That he is XXX days/months late on CS, that he owes the medical expenses in full, etc. If he does not pay immediately, you will take him to court. A letter from a lawyer is going to mean much more than anything you write. Have them put in there that he is not to contact you again or it will be seen as <stalking, abuse..whatever the right word is>

Nail him down so he gets it that he can't harass you about these things, and he needs to pay you the monies owed, in full, on time, and that he cannot just deduct things as he sees fit!

Also? I'd ditch the stupid purse. It's not worth it.

Nature_Girl posted 8/17/2013 14:42 PM

Copy & paste just this one time the pertinent passages from your SA or final judgment that covers CS and reimbursement for medical expenses.

The rest does not require you to explain yourself to him. You are not putting the children in any danger. How you parent isn't his business.

ETA: I do agree you need a lawyer, but you probably don't have the funds for one right now. I also agree you need to get rid of the purse.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 2:43 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

Helen of Troy posted 8/17/2013 14:42 PM

Thank you, Take. Your suggestion is one I will consider. It takes someone outside the situation to be able to think rationally without the emotion involved. I'm so grateful for this board for that.
Latch key is not against the law in my state, nor is home alone. So, that doesn't rattle me. What does is his attempt to insinuate that I am not a good parent. He will never realize what it takes to be a single parent trying to better herself(or himself, for SI men out there). He has ow/nw to do his kid pick up and other kid related work for him. I don't feel I owe him an explanation about that. 20 years he's tried to hit below the belt or sensitive areas, and it's just crap. Don't want to show that it even bothered me in the least. The time sharing he does have was like pulling teeth to get him to have *that* much. Unless he's changed his tune due to ow/nw, at first divorce my lawyer said these exact words <WGB>, he doesn't want custody.

Nature_Girl posted 8/17/2013 15:04 PM

My STBX does not want custody, either. However, since he knows taking the children from me will hurt me, that's what he tries for. Since he knows that the more time with them will equal less money to me, he wants to financially devastate me & cripple me. Whatever he can do to hurt me, that's what he does. The children are only tools to make that happen.

hurtbs posted 8/17/2013 15:22 PM

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to add that he is a fucking ass. I'm sorry you're going through this right now.

caregiver9000 posted 8/17/2013 16:08 PM

I don't think he has a leg to stand on regarding the purse. He does not own the purse. And there is no clause that medical reimbursement can be done in gifts of equal amount. Gah, can you imagine? He could send you three purses, a pair of shoes and a bracelet.

Send him the copy of the medical receipt again. Highlight the date, cite the agreement where he has to pay within 30 days and nothing more.

The other email I would ignore. NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. His relationship with "upset DD" is his business. I would not even begin talking to him about things he says DD reports.

I look at it this way. Let's substitute purse with "cell phone."

He gives DD a cell phone. He pays the cell phone bill every month. You take the cell phone and use it to call your friends and deny DD the use of the item. She complains to dad. He would have a complaint about the cell phone. He PAYS continuing costs. DD WANTS the cell phone. NOT the same with purse.

Let's say he bought DD a car. Titled it and gave it to her. (a gift.) DD breaks curfew and you ground her from the car. Does he still own the car and demand it's return?

He sends a fruit basket to the house for DD. She doesn't like oranges. She only eats the apples and pears and strawberries. Does he have rights to the oranges?

You see how ridiculous this is? He is micromanaging you through DD under the umbrella of his generosity. But it is not anything but garden variety BULLYING.

I would make a planter out of the coach purse and put it in the front yard full of manure and begonias.

Do not defend, argue, justify. He is baiting you and you only respond by reiterating the request for reimbursement and then go to court for his failure to comply. Sit back and let him argue the purse and the failure to take the girls out to dinner with the judge. But I probably would not carry the purse to court that day.

caregiver9000 posted 8/17/2013 16:13 PM

The only way he gets to control the gifts he gives his children is if he restricts the gifts to his home.

My boys take the Wii games to their dad's house on weekends if they want. Do I demand he not play them or let OW play the games? Only way I get to do that is by not letting the boys take the games. I won't do that. The games belong to the boys. If they want to share? Good for them. Share. Enjoy something with dad.

stillstrong posted 8/17/2013 16:14 PM

He gives DD a cell phone. He pays the cell phone bill every month. You take the cell phone and use it to call your friends and deny DD the use of the item. She complains to dad. He would have a complaint about the cell phone. He PAYS continuing costs. DD WANTS the cell phone. NOT the same with purse.

Let's say he bought DD a car. Titled it and gave it to her. (a gift.) DD breaks curfew and you ground her from the car. Does he still own the car and demand it's return?

He sends a fruit basket to the house for DD. She doesn't like oranges. She only eats the apples and pears and strawberries. Does he have rights to the oranges?

Excellent points! You make perfect sense, Caregiver.

I wouldn't even send the receipt for medical again. I would just crickets, then send the receipt to lawyer after 30 days is up (along with copies of the bullying emails)

Oh, and I wanted to add: if you took the girls out to dinner as promised, believe me soon you'd be getting emails about "wasting" CS money on dinners out. You can't win

[This message edited by stillstrong at 4:15 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

peridot posted 8/17/2013 16:29 PM

I'd give the damn purse back.

If he continues to not pay what he's supposed to I would take him back to court or go through the state(that's usually free in most states).

I wouldn't beg for money. I would simply send the receipts when you're supposed to and then file contempt when it adds up enough to make it worth going back to court.

forced2moveon posted 8/17/2013 16:37 PM

Why not just end the problem and give him back the purse he bought??

If I bought my child something expensive that they didn't want, I certainly wouldn't want my ex using it! Why didn't your daughter allow him to return it if she didn't want it?????

I think your wrong and it's up to you to end this drama!

SBB posted 8/17/2013 19:08 PM

Its not about who is right or wrong (I would have left the purse rotting in DDs cupboard, personally. I couldn't wear it myself).

He doesn't get to tell you what to do.

He doesn't get to share his opinion with you. Let him go to his L if he has a legal leg to stand on.

Crickets except CGs advice.

Send him the copy of the medical receipt again. Highlight the date, cite the agreement where he has to pay within 30 days and nothing more.

Nothing.More. There is no remarks column for him.

Stop trying to be right or argue with him even in your head. It is none of his damn business. Who gives a flying fuck what he thinks of you or your parenting? Take a good, long, hard look at the source. You don't give a fuck.

He is just yanking your chain. You cannot control his fuckery but you can control how much you let it impact your life.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/17/2013 21:14 PM

It seems that your kids are a bit older......

So, I would sit them down and tell them to stop stirring the fucking pot and that if one of them has a problem with a decision that you've made, then s/he need to come to YOU with it (ie: the after-school program and you bowing out of the 'expected' dinner).

Shut this shit down because you do NOT need this brain damage.

And if your decree says that he pays half of the med expenses, then he pays half of the med expenses. Period.

If he chooses to give your kids a gift, then that is what it is. A gift. And your kid can do whatever the heck s/he wants to with it. But to eliminate this current issue in the future....if she receives a gift from your WH that she doesn't want or s/he knows that you won't approve of, then she should tell him 'thanks, but no thanks' and leave it there.

LadyQ posted 8/18/2013 09:14 AM

What gonna said.

With regard to the purse, it may be best to give it back, or stop carrying it. I know there is no way in hell I'd take anything x gave one of the kids and use it as my own. The thought makes me nauseous. I can't imagine proudly carrying a coach purse (or any other high dollar handbag for that matter!) that came from "the dark side". It just wouldn't be worth it to me.

There are hills worth dying on. Is this one?

Kierst13 posted 8/18/2013 09:32 AM

Why not just end the problem and give him back the purse he bought??

If I bought my child something expensive that they didn't want, I certainly wouldn't want my ex using it! Why didn't your daughter allow him to return it if she didn't want it?????

I think your wrong and it's up to you to end this drama!

I agree with this. A purse would never be worth that kind of drama in my life. I also wouldn't want to carry around a purse my WS bought.

Helen of Troy posted 8/18/2013 15:32 PM

The purse is plain. I didn't have one she said do you want this I don't like it. I said ok.
It is not top of the line high end, doesn't even have an emblem. Simple black small shoulder bag, just not her style.
Not going to dinner had nothing to do with the purse.
Neither did after school care.

I suspect dd drew up drama because she doesn't want to go to after school program. So she lied to her dad.
That doesn't excuse his bully behavior which I've decided not even to reply to. He's also still an ass.

I gave back the purse in front of two other witnesses. "DD remember when you gave me this purse because you didn't want it? Well here I don't want it anymore and I want you to take it back.
DD: yes, and ok. (with a smirk)
SO I HAVE two witnesses where she confirmed she didn't want it and offered it to me and that it is now back in her room.

Helen of Troy posted 8/18/2013 15:34 PM

Forced, he is not getting it back. It was from an outlet store. And she doesn't get to speak up when with him and ow/nw.
You're wrong. Thanks anyway.

[This message edited by will get by at 3:36 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]

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