Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Fake it in front of everyone before deciding to D or R?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

SpaceJane posted 8/17/2013 15:21 PM

Hi everyone. I recently posted about my husband confessing to me about visiting massage parlors for 3 years (basically the entire duration of our marriage-no kids). I have been devastated and I understand that it's a different kind of cheating than an EA, and I worry that he has SA (doesn't really fit profile) or NPD and he is willing to look into with with IC. He has been remorseful and ashamed of this so far but it's too soon to tell.

My life this week has been just surviving. I cry everyday. I was staying at my parents house last week because they weren't there, so that worked out. We separated that week. However, now I am in our house, together. Yesterday we talked and things seemed to be able to be worked out, he was transparent with me and answered all my questions (I worry that he is hiding more stuff, since he has been such a good liar).

Anyway, everyone thinks we are happy, nobody knows what is going on. We are sleeping in separate rooms and the tension is horrible, because I am sad, mad, depressed, a mess. How can we work this out? Is it even workable? I guess my question is, until i decide to D or R, do we have to fake in front of everyone that we are happy? Attend parties and meet with family? Also, How should I act if we are living under the same roof? Do I still cook dinner for two? And do our laundry? Do I talk to him about his day? Ignore him? Should I spend time with him or reserve myself to my room? I don't know how to act. I read the 180 in the healing library, and while it makes sense, I don't know if it applies to our situation. I kind of want him to see me hurt so he sees the consequences of his actions. I feel that if I start acting normal he will think I am over it. My parents want to come over tomorrow (we hang out all the time) and I don't know what to do.

Any advice will be appreciated. I have already received so much good advice in these past few days I am so thankful I found this site.

Morhurt posted 8/17/2013 15:30 PM

I had two ddays, after the first one we "faked it" for the benefit of others. It was absolute torture.

Dday#2 (6 weeks later) was when H chose to come completely clean. That time he told his brother (business co-owner), his mom and my mom. He didn't give them details but he told them that he was unfaithful to me (bit of an understatement) and that we would both need a lot of support and time to work through the mess he had created.

He chose to do this. I will say, it immediately showed me he was taking ownership of the disaster and it was a deposit in my trust bank.

I had thought I didn't want people to know because I didn't want our marriage judged but having him tell me that the most important thing was my mental health etc made a huge difference.

For me, faking it was too hard. And it made me really mad to be protecting HIM when he had so blatantly not protected me.

Morhurt posted 8/17/2013 15:33 PM

I want to add:
We have four children so we are still "faking it" in a sense. We do still do some family dinners but we are more selective and how I'm feeling that day carries a lot more weight than it used to. Be careful that you don't end up isolating yourself from your support network in an effort to keep them from finding out.

SpaceJane posted 8/17/2013 16:08 PM

Thank you morhurt. I understand what you are saying. I think this is how I feel now. I don't want anyone to know, because I feel that if anyone knows I'd have to leave or give explanations, and receive advice from people that don't know what is going on, I'd be so embarrassed, I don't know. Also, I feel like I am protecting my parents from this, because I KNOW they both will be destroyed and I can't see them that way. Not so much protecting my WH. I guess I am protecting my marriage if I want to save it. If people know this, I think I'll have a harder time saving it.

OldCow18 posted 8/17/2013 21:24 PM

I've only told 3 of my closest oldest friends. I've not told my family, it would kill my dad. He thinks we have it all, as did I. Anyway, we fake it in front of our kids daily, and on days like today when we visited extended family. It's so hard, but it serves it's purpose right now. If I decide to D, I will tell everyone the truth (minus teh kids)...for now, I've only told those that I know will HELP me through this. I don't need the added stress of answering to everyone and their mother.

I do often wonder, however, if my mom was still alive if I'd have told her. I talk to her all the time now though, so wherever she is, she most definitely knows.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 9:25 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

AppleBlossom posted 8/17/2013 21:32 PM

I had to fake it briefly in front of the kids as I found out while I was at the beach with my daughter and her friends for her birthday party and sleep over. When they left the next day I fell apart, called his parents, posted on my Facebook what he had done. Basically, let it rip.

I regret that a little, as in the level of detail I gave out. But what came back at me was an extraordinary amount of support and love. I found strength in that. Since then, people who do not support me in our reconciliation have kept their distance and I am fine with that.

I did tell the kids, because their world was rocked. I told them that my ExWF had chosen to be with another girlfriend without telling me. I used it as an opportunity to show my kids that you dont need to accept bad behaviour.

When we started on the path to reconciliation, he apologised to my kids, and that meant a lot to me.

(btw they are not his kids).

I decided that the shame was his. I could hold my head up high, and I still do.

I think it is important for you to be authentic to yourself, because of you dont, resentment can build.

NotsosunnyG posted 8/17/2013 21:55 PM

This is still new for me too so I will be watching to see what the veterans offer for advice. Right now I have decided not to tell anyone in real life (he slept with escorts on four occasions that I know about). Like you, I think if I have a chance to save our marriage, I'd rather others not know and unless you have been in this situation, it is hard to know how you will feel.

I have used his site and a mom forum I'm on where I can post anonymously as support for now. He is very ashamed of what he's done and knows he needs counseling for himself. For us, we are acting eerily calm around each other (we do have a daughter so we are creating some normalcy) but we have decided to do a trial separation ( we were already having some marriage issues) so our families, friends and DD know about that, just not the betrayal. I do feel alone and isolated sometimes and at the worst times, I come here :)

MsRukia posted 8/18/2013 08:36 AM

We are sorta faking it. I have a select few that I chose to tell. I told them because I needed support, they won't judge WH, and they will be supportive of our choice to R or D. If I told my family it would add stress and not be helpful. The only change at home is that he is sleeping in the baby's room and baby is with me. We have two special needs kids, we are trying to keep their lives as normal as possible. Entertaining is not happening at this point. We go to church, work, and stay home. I am sure it will get better in time. I have decided that I am not going to deal with anyone who will add stress.

Alexa posted 8/18/2013 08:59 AM

There are times when you must fake just to get through. Now both of our families know what he did. I faked it for as long as I could. When he decided he was going to bring her home is the moment his family knew. I made sure of it. That was May 31. It wasn't until the second time he tried to bring her home that my family found out. I told a few close friends but the rest of the world has no clue. I'm really so sick of people telling me what a nice guy he is. I just want to scream it out loud. For me it was easier to deal with once I could talk to someone about it. Do you have a close friend you can confide in? I would also see a counselor be it individually or together. But you need to take care of yourself first before him.

As for laundry, cooking, etc., let him do his own. He doesnt deserve to be taken care of right now. Let him see that he cannot betray you and expect nothing to change. There are laundromats where he can have his laundry done if he doesn't want to or can't and restaurants and grocery stores for food. Don't let him use you after what he is putting you through. Let him suffer.

solus sto posted 8/18/2013 10:47 AM

I think you have to be really careful with this decision---it's not one you need to make today, or even tomorrow. In fact, don't make it until you are as sure as you can be that you make it with as much of the WHOLE truth as possible. (In the interim, be discreet, but there's no need to fake wedded bliss; you can engineer it so that you don't attend functions where faking it is required, for example. Really, when dealing with a WS whose modus operandi has included massive deception, I think you have to be really careful about engaging in deception yourself; it can horribly reinforce his poor decisions. It's like becoming a participant in his lies.)

There is likely an iceberg below the tip you have discovered. And you will need professional help---and considerable time--to find out who your husband is, and what he has been doing.

I agree that massage parlors represent a "different kind of affair," and IMO, it's a kind that is really, really hard to extinguish and move forward from successfully without some pretty specialized evaluation and treatment.

You ask about "faking." A man who's in massage parlors for years defines "faking." Before you join him in a behavior that is maladaptive to him, you need to find out how much of his day-to-day life your husband is faking. THAT is the critical question---one upon which your other decisions (can I stay in this marriage? Can I buy property with this man? Should I have children with this man?) will hinge.

Before you make decisions about protecting him and his sordid secrets, FIND OUT WHO HE IS. You'll need professional help for this.

In your shoes, I'd want evaluation by both a CSAT and a psychiatrist who specializes in the diagnosis of personality disorder.

And that's just the beginning. You'll need to watch to see if there is an abiding commitment to change---if change is even possible. (It is not always. But this is not always readily apparent---making this a potentially excruciating process for the BS.)

For me, learning that my husband lacks the ability form real attachment was the dealbreaker. The infidelity? I could get past that. The lies? Harder, but I think I could have gotten past them. But the inability to form meaningful attachment and experience emotional intimacy? THAT I could not get past---especially since he knowingly duped me for so long. Living with a person who cannot form attachment, experience empathy or form remorse was not something I could endure even a second longer than I did.

Knowing that "this is as good as it gets" --- something I found out woefully late in the game -- was the dealbreaker. I wish I had pushed for real evaluation earlier.

Millions of hugs to you. I wish nothing but the best for you, and hope your outcome is positive.

[This message edited by solus sto at 10:49 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]

SpaceJane posted 8/18/2013 22:09 PM

Thank you everyone for your replies. I really appreciate all the advice. I think for now we will try to pretend that we are ok in front of family and friends. We don't see friends very often but family we do, so that will be a little hard. He told me he can tell his parents if I want to, but I'm hesitant. I definitely don't want to tell my parents as they will take it pretty hard. And I don't really want to talk to anyone that hasn't been through something like this. We have decided that we will both start seeing a counselor this week and has taken on a small side job to be able to pay for it.
Solus, thank you for your thoughtful advice. I am indeed very worried about his mental health and I have mentioned this to him. I think he has deep issues that need to be addressed. He said he is scared to go to a psychiatrist but he will do it for me. Exactly what is a CSAT? I tried to look online but I get substance abuse things, so I'm not sure if that's the one. I hope he doesn't have the issues your husband does :( it is a sad reality that I never even imagined, ever. I'm so sorry. I agree that would be a deal breaker for me as well. Thank you for your words.

Morhurt posted 8/18/2013 22:53 PM

I'm pretty sure CSAT is Certified Sex Addiction Therapist.
I hope the counselling helps you both. I l

Morhurt posted 8/18/2013 22:56 PM

Oops, hit post too soon.

I love my counsellor! I feel so much stronger now than I did in June when I started seeing her. If you're not happy with your counsellor, if there's no connection or it feels really awkward, keep looking. Not all counsellors are created equally!

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/19/2013 10:40 AM

Pffft...I'm the queen of faking it. I HATE people knowing my business or pitying me because it turnsx out I won myself a horse's ass in the man lottery of life.

Nobody knew squat until I finally admitted to my family after I left that his friendship with a stalking whore was unacceptable to me.

You don't have to tell anyone anything if you don't want to, SpaceJane.

SpaceJane posted 8/20/2013 12:07 PM

Thank you all. We will be going to a CSAT pretty soon. Hope it helps. And I have decided to keep it under wraps and fake it for now because I also don't like people knowing my business. Keeping fingers crossed. Hugs to you all.

LostSoulss posted 8/21/2013 08:08 AM

Guys just wanted to add my thoughts as it struck a chord with me.
I confronted WH in May 2013 and to date still have no idea if I want to stay in the marriage or give up and cut my losses.
I too am a queen of faking it in front of the world whilst I try and decide what to do.
I have told NO ONE about H's affair, no friends no family no work colleagues. I've only spoken about it on this forum.
I feel H is in a better position because he obviously was fully aware of what he was doing and had the added support of at least 3 "friends" ( lowlife pieces of sh** in my book) who not only knew about his affair but colluded and facilitated it and were (probably still are) in contact with OW.
The best of it is my sister in law knew all about it and has been in contact with OW throughout! She has never been in contact with me (nice huh?)
So getting back to my point , I am very much alone with all this and believe me its a herculean effort to keep it together in front of friends and family especially my mother (who is ill- no way can I add to what she's going through) and my mother and father in law who have been together 50+ years. My in laws treat me like a daughter so I can't tell them either
I don't think H appreciates how hard it is not to disclose but I feel until I have the answers I need and can get to a point where I can make my decision I have to keep it all in.
I am a fiercely private person and can't see myself divulging any of this until I have to.
I know some will say I'm probably not doing myself any good by keeping quiet and they are probably right. I can't see me doing anything else but continuing to fake it for now... unless anyone else has any ideas.

FoggedIn posted 8/21/2013 12:19 PM

I've been struggling with the same questions.

My Mom is aware, only because she's been through it, or at least a very similar situation with my Dad 17 years ago. An ongoing PA & EA. But she's the only one that knows, and I've spoken to her sparingly about my WH's A with an escort.

I struggle with the issue mostly because it is apparent that I'm not OK. We have family gatherings fairly regularly, had one Sunday (15 people here) and although I'm trying to get it together a fake it like a champ. The minute WH slapped me on the ass, which used to be normal, I nearly came out of my skin!!! Or when he calls me honey, or the fact that I can't manage to eat when everyone else is eating, or a million other reasons, why I'm not doing a very good job faking it.

Ultimately, WH seems relatively normal, fine, just like nothing is wrong. I, however look like I'm having a freaking nervous breakdown! So he's telling people I'm having migraines, or my shoulder's been bothering me (I have nerve damage/chronic pain...). Basically, He gets to look like a champ, while he's the effin reason I am broken!

His primary concern right now is that his reputation doesn't get flawed. He's a bit of a 'socialite' in our community, an all star if you will.

So as much as I'd like to work on R in our own privacy, I hate that I'm seen as the disaster here, but he's just fine.

I guess the real solution is just for me to get my shiz together. But it hasn't even been 2 weeks yet, I'm doing what I can!

1Faith posted 8/21/2013 12:43 PM

Hello Space Jane

I am sorry that you are here and that you are hurting. This is a good, safe place where people understand and care.

You will receive a lot of advice - and it is just that - advice. Take from it what will work with you and your situation. There are many similarities in our stories and our experiences but in the end, our stories are also unique.

With that, I would say some of the most common and IMO sage advice is to do what you need to do to heal.

There is no right or wrong answer.

I would say trying to navigate these waters alone will be extremely hard. You would benefit from some type of support system other than your WH. Trying to process it all alone can eat you up inside.

A trusted friend, family member that will be there for you. An IC?

If you are that close to your parents, I would recommend telling them. They love you. They will be there for you. They will help you.

Be prepared that whomever you confide in (besides IC) will be disappointed in your WH (as they should be) but remember this is not your secret to keep.

Good luck and I hope all goes well.

Prayers and hugs

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.