SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Wishing for another a to make an exit

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Pages: 1 · 2

TICKED OFF posted 8/17/2013 16:08 PM

Do you ever wish your ws would actually have another a so it would give you the opportunity and justification to walk away this time?

I would have to say that there are many times post a that I have caught myself wishing for this. I do know that if I ever did catch him again I would be out of here in a heartbeat.

jjsr posted 8/17/2013 16:11 PM

No. If he wanted to go I would hope he would just tell me like an adult. I don't want to deal with this crap again.

Morhurt posted 8/17/2013 16:23 PM

If that's how you feel then leave. His behaviour (A) is plenty for you to feel justified in leaving. Plenty.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

Expect Delays posted 8/17/2013 17:20 PM

I have. I think it's just a wish to end the uncertainty--the uncertainty of whether he will cheat again, the uncertainty of whether I should stay or leave.

However, I have a nagging suspicion that it wouldn't be quite so simple...

realitybites posted 8/17/2013 18:33 PM

Wasn't sure if I wanted to respond but to be honest there are times when I have thought this.

Why is this though? So the first time I gave you a pass so to speak but I just did not really like myself that I did this....so if you did it again I would then feel like "well OK, I tried to give you and the marriage a chance and you proved to me that my gut was right and I should have just ended it the first time."

mchercheur posted 8/17/2013 18:39 PM

I understand what you are saying.
On the days when it feels like nothing much has changed in our M since before the A (many of the same marital problems still exist, such as division of household responsibility, etc.) & ( on those days I feel like I made a mistake to try to R) and I also don't think I will ever trust him again, I wish for an excuse like that to just get out.
When I feel like this I try to focus on the few little baby steps he has made, the fact that I do still have some love for him ( altho he has shattered the idea of "life partner" for me---& changed it into "father of my children")
& the fact that I would do ANYTHING for our 4 kids.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:41 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

strongerdaybyday posted 8/17/2013 18:43 PM

It's hard to say. If I had to go through the same pain as Dday then no. It was unbearable; and since I'm only 7 weeks since dday I don't know if I would want to deal with the daily torments of thinking about OW or the A again. However, I CAN understand thinking like that.

it's just a wish to end the uncertainty--the uncertainty of whether he will cheat again, the uncertainty of whether I should stay or leave.

At least you would have your answer as to whether he was worth spending the time to R with.

"well OK, I tried to give you and the marriage a chance and you proved to me that my gut was right and I should have just ended it the first time."

but for me the pain is/was so intense idk if I could do it a 2nd time.

summerain posted 8/17/2013 18:45 PM

I have. I think it's just a wish to end the uncertainty--the uncertainty of whether he will cheat again, the uncertainty of whether I should stay or leave.
However, I have a nagging suspicion that it wouldn't be quite so simple...

Exactly !

gonnabe2016 posted 8/17/2013 18:46 PM


However, I have a nagging suspicion that it wouldn't be quite so simple...

This was true in my situation.

If you want to make an exit, TO, then make an exit. You don't need a new *excuse*. He had an A. You didn't make any sudden moves or rash decisions at the time. However, it seems that the original A turned out to be a deal breaker.

And thats

gonnabe2016 posted 8/17/2013 18:47 PM

(stupid damn iPad)

.......and that's okay.

TICKED OFF posted 8/17/2013 19:18 PM

I am not saying that I want to leave. If I did I would have 9 years ago or in between then and now. I think "mcherchuer" said it best.

I have settled in now and have 30 years so no, right now have no plans of ever leaving. HOWEVER, sometimes when things get real shitty (now remember, I still live 2 houses from ow) I wonder IF he would ever think again of having an a and if he did it would definitely be bye bye.

And yes "mchercheur" I would do absolutely anything for my kids to have the family stay together.

"ExpectDelays".......I do know that if it happened again it would (for me anyway) be very simple to leave him. There would be no question in my mind. I guess the uncertainty always stays in our minds once we are betrayed by someone who we thought really cared about us.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 7:20 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

Skye posted 8/17/2013 19:22 PM

I expect my husband will cheat again, and I won't leave. It is to my advantage to stay in my home. The affair I found out about ended the marriage. If it works to my advantage to leave, I will do so without waiting for another affair.

Would love for him to have another affair, so I could say, "told you so."

[This message edited by Skye at 7:23 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

sparklezombie posted 8/17/2013 19:27 PM

Yes I have and sometimes still do feel this way. You aren't alone.

AFrayedKnot posted 8/17/2013 19:47 PM

I did for most of the first year. I was so miserable in our relationship for the couple years before Dday that I saw dday was my out.

She begged for another chance. Her sister begged me to give her another chance. I thought about the kids. And I flipped a coin. The coin said another chance. So I committed to a year convinced and hoping she would fail and I could leave with a clear conscience.

Somewhere around 10 months in I realized she was actually doing it and our relationship was better than ever.

Now I don't want another or an exit.

hurtbs posted 8/17/2013 19:50 PM

You don't need an affair to exit a marriage. You can always leave a marriage if you are unhappy with it for any reason. No "justification" needed.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 8:05 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

womaninflux posted 8/17/2013 19:59 PM

Gutcheck time! If your gut is telling you that D is the answer, maybe it is.

Like my lawyer said, "if you want to get a divorce, get a divorce. You don't need to wait around for an investment to come to fruition, your husband to fuck up again, or any other reason."

Also he said don't waste energy on wondering if something is going to happen or not.

I have not reached the point of where I am ready to file, but I am keeping everything he said in mind. I think that is good advice...and he has seen a LOT of divorces to know what he is talking about.

Williesmom posted 8/17/2013 20:27 PM

I was in your shoes about 2 years after D-Day. I nutted up and filed for D, but turned out that he was back in the A anyway. So, it all worked out for the best.

Unfortunately, he came to his senses about 18 months after the D. I was so over him by that point, so yay me!

HardenMyHeart posted 8/17/2013 23:22 PM

Do you ever wish your ws would actually have another a so it would give you the opportunity and justification to walk away this time?

No. If I wanted to walk away, I would just do it.

Pentup posted 8/17/2013 23:31 PM

I do. Think it is brave of you to post this. I get it completely. When you have this many years in (and I have almost as many as you), at some point you realize this is as good as it will get and I settled. Can not justify throwing my whole life into disarray. However, if he had another affair, it would give me a push.
Not sure if that matches what you were thinking.

mchercheur posted 8/18/2013 00:59 AM

The affair I found out about ended the marriage. If it works to my advantage to leave, I will do so without waiting for another affair.

Exactly. Affairs end marriages. Supposedly, we started a new marriage when I took him back. He has a few years (about 5, until we have an empty nest) and then I will re evaluate.

Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.