I just realized early on that I had work to do to fix our M, and didn't lay it all the blame on him. It was his bad decision, but I know he wouldn't have been vulnerable if I had been fully engaged in our M.
I totally agree with this! From day one I knew that I had helped to let our M die. We both neglected it and turned away from each other. We were both hurting and wanted things to be different but we were stuck. I took the A as a wake up call and as an opportunity to make a change.
A whole new life apart, or a whole new life together. Either way, things were going to be DIFFERENT.
My husband also has commented on how he expected me to act as opposed to how I did. He was out of town for Dday and thought that when he got home I would be a crazy, evil, vindictive person. He thought one of us would be moving out immediately. There was some nastiness, yelling, snide remarks and general ugliness but there was also talking, sharing of feelings and empathy. He was kinda shocked at how insightful I was.
I am proud of you and of me too! YAY US!
My H told me of his plans to move out before revealing the A. He had convinced himself I would never forgive or be able to work on R. It was my restraint in the initial days that gave him pause about how he had rewritten our history. Had I just screamed, he would've been happily out the door and off to his new life with OW. His fog lifted further when he ended it with her and he finally "saw a side of her he had never seen before". Finally saw her in her selfish glory.
Not saying that R isn't really really hard and that we don't have a mountain to climb. But admitting from day one that I had accountability for the breakdown in our M also, was the one thing that kept him from jumping off the cliff and ending our M. He's responsible for his choice to have the A, but it will take both of us to fix this M.
We both agree that if we are going to R, we want to have a better, stronger, healthier M than we ever did. It's going to be hard, but hopefully worth the effort. I also see the A as a wake-up call (albeit in the form of a nuclear bomb) to make us both re-evaluate everything we hold dear and want out of life. We both need to change and improve our communication and how we deal with conflicts and show love to one another. We are making progress.
So glad to hear you are too!!!!
THIS^^^
So many people have said to me, he's a jerk etc etc but you know what? 50% of our problems were my fault. I know cheating is 100% HIS fault but can I say I was totally engaged and working for our M? No. Unfortunately, I let the ball drop too. And although his A is/was DEVASTATING it also made me open my eyes and realize I love this man. Do we have a lot of pain to work through and a hard road ahead? Of course. But, like you, I feel it's worth the effort. And, if, in the end, it doesn't work, we've tried. Many say I'm idealistic but his remorse and willingness to be honest are steps toward something positive. As married people(and as couples in Long Term Relationships)we so often take the other person for granted and thats when the OM/OW is usually able to make their way in - they see vulnerability and pounce!
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
Our marriage wasn't perfect, but I kept fighting for it to work. Even the day before he contacted her, I arranged for massages, a show, and then we talked about our marriage. I told him that I wanted to fight for it and not let it fizzle. I told him that something is going on and please be honest with me. He texted her the next day to start the affair. He had already checked out on our M. It is hard for me to get past that. Any suggestions?
[This message edited by ILINIA at 11:17 AM, August 19th (Monday)]
Stronger and so many of you are with me in this sad journey. If I could save just one marriage from going the way ours has I would do it....except the OW marriage....she in our case does not deserve it. Predators deserve what they create!!!!
I too am thankful, in a weird way, that my H and I both woke up after the A was discovered. I too was saved from totally destroying myself because my logic side figured out quite quickly, even in my hell, that I had to share in the blame. I still wish I could go back and wave a magic wand....I think we all would, but we also all know we can move to something better now given the hard work we have put in.
Big smile to everyone.
T
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
From the onset I made it clear that I still love him even though it was 100% for his choice to cheat, but that I wasn't perfect either. H knows I was/am actively working on myself. And he is noticing the changes. Hell, everyone is, including myself. And I like myself one heck of a lot better too but that's another story.
But I am curious, and sorry if this is a T/J, but for those who took this path did your WS immediately stop the affair after DD? Or did it take time for that to occur? I'm sure the answers will vary - they always do - but just wondering if I'm holding onto false hope and listening to only what I want to hear.
but for those who took this path did your WS immediately stop the affair after DD? Or did it take time for that to occur?
We still have trust issues (it's only been a couple of months) but, immediately after dday he changed his number, cancelled all social media and email accounts (i was there and watched him do it - we actually had to Google how to delete a facebook account because deactivating and deleting are apparently 2 different things!) he doesn't have a work email/cell so he created a new email which I have the password too, he's also stopped deleting browser histories. He also issued a NC letter to the OW so I believe the A has stopped. Am I naive in thinking I can trust him completely? No, we need to rebuild and work on A LOT, but, I'm praying that with time we can get there.
I often wonder what will occur in my future but realize I must take it one day at a time right now.
I'm working through FOO issues and IC said yesterday I had major breakthrough...about me, not what occurred with WS and me. Its not easy, but IC says I'm going "thru it" versus avoiding it and that is the only way to truly heal myself.
As my own strength builds and healing continues I feel hopeful WS and I will make it. He needs to own his part in it too but I recognized from the beginning I wasn't completely innocent in the whole mess either.
it's good to know others have been in same position.
I realized almost instantly from D-Day that I was not pulling my weight in our marriage. I was not filling his tank. He was not filling mine. What did we do about it? Nothing.
Yes. He made the decision to cheat. That is all on him and he has owned it since the get-go. I do however take responsibility for my shit too.
We are 8.5 months in now (I posted a positive note today too). I know this is a journey but I too am glad I did the introspection early on.
As for the question if the A continued following D-Day. No. It ended one year BEFORE I found out. But like ohiocarrie, they would still talk, she would still suggest they get together or bring up times they did. Because she has a high position at head office he was hoping they could be friends. He did not want any animosity.
D-Day brought NC. And a lot of work! But in the end, it is going to save our marriage.
[This message edited by LA44 at 8:49 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]
As for me, I need a better way to communicate. We took the 5 Love languages quiz and we both realized how much more we can be doing to support and appreciate one another.
When we are ready we are going to try there 5 week challenge....I am not quite there yet.
Thank you again for all you stories!
Since my H told me he was moving out which led to my asking if there was an AP, we had kind of a weird Dday (OK, who am I kidding? I know they are all crazy horrible!) In our situation, two of our teenagers had discovered the A months earlier and were living in their own hell of not knowing what to do.
In any case, this all came out at Dday, and he moved out, but decided to talk about R and see a MC. My reaction at Dday and the kids admissions gave him a whole new reality check and a glimpse above the Fog.
He "cooled" it with AP for a while, but didn't actually end it until about 1.5 months later. He was still trying to figure out which direction to go. That was SO HARD. I know most people would have walked or would advise me to walk. I still have many worries and concerns.
We have made great progress though. The impact to our kids is hitting us over and over. It is hard. But we are getting better. He is going to be moving back in and we are going to try to start healing our whole family.
I still think I am doing the right thing for my M and my family. I am amazed at my strength (sometimes worried it's stupidity!), but I hope the end result will be one in which we can teach our kids about working hard in a M, making better choices, and the power of forgiveness. That won out over teaching them that you never let anyone hurt you. I know it's different for everyone, but that's the path we are choosing. I pray for strength for the journey ahead.
Wishing all of you peace and more strength. Our WS's are right though, when they say we are "amazing". We are!!!!
