"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

TimeToManUp posted 8/17/2013 17:08 PM

Has anyone else struggled with this? Since we first met as teenagers, TCD has been active in her church. She has been a deacon for all but a mandatory three year hiatus, and during that time she was involved with the youth group. Church and her faith have always been an important part of her life.

With all that has gone wrong in her life (my A, her miscarriage, and the perpetual reminders of both, etc) she is starting to lose her faith. In fact she has even gone so far as to say she isn't sure she believes in God anymore. She sees people everywhere living the life she wants, receiving the blessings she wishes she had... She feels her existence, her lot in life is merely to suffer.

It hurts me deeply to know that I have played such a role in this tragic turn. I know how much her faith has meant to her, and now she is losing it. I encouraged her to speak to our pastor, but she feels he is only going to tell her to wait and be patient. I don't really know that I'm looking for anything specific with this post, just wanted to get it out there.

[This message edited by TimeToManUp at 5:09 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

NoTriangles posted 8/17/2013 19:54 PM

She feels her existence, her lot in life is merely to suffer.

I have absolutely felt this way. Oftentimes still do.

Can you become her faith? Can you be that one constant that she can solidly rely upon? When she feels alone and weak and like she is constantly swimming upstream, can you confidently reassure her that YOU will do ANYTHING to make it all okay again?

I know that would have meant the world to me.

I'm not saying you need to be Godlike. But can you shine a light where she sees none? Can you show her something to believe in?

I agree, it would be a crying shame if she lost this part of herself also.

My best to you both....

[This message edited by NoTriangles at 7:56 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

SoVerySadNow posted 8/17/2013 21:39 PM

I encouraged her to speak to our pastor, but she feels he is only going to tell her to wait and be patient.

Probably, but he will also likely encourage her to keep her heart open.
It's hard for a BS to allow vulnerability enough to keep an open heart. It's a defense not to.
I hope she finds her faith again.

Bloomsday posted 8/17/2013 22:19 PM

So let me get this straight... basically you think you're still good with God even after stealing your wife's life and soul?

What advice did your pastor provide when you fessed up?

gonnabe2016 posted 8/18/2013 01:01 AM

TTMU. This is TCD's issue to deal with. Not yours.
You carry your water....and she carries hers.....

jb3199 posted 8/18/2013 01:01 AM

My WW is currently struggling with this.

She has been involved in her church for many years, and has taught CCD for the last 9 years. Until now. This was her last class, as she is stepping aside.

My WW is also very involved in AA, since she had her "aha" moment 2 years ago. God plays a big part in her participation.

But this too is becoming more and more difficult for her, as she describes to me that she *knows* how important her faith is in her life, yet she feels the void growing almost daily---and she can not get it back. It must be difficult to feel like you know what your biggest problem is, yet are unable to rectify it.

Sadly, I am not much help in this department. While I strongly encourage her faith and participation, I am a person with very little faith. I am not certain that I believe in a higher power, but I definitely respect everyone's individual beliefs, and encourage their pursuit of such. But in the ability to relate to my WW's diminishing faith, I feel lost---like I am failing her---because I am not leading by example....as it pertains to faith. I am a good person, just not a good spiritual person---if that makes any sense.

Like you, I don't have an answer, and am not sure what answer that I am looking for. But I can relate to your situation in the sense that it hurts to watch your spouse struggle spiritually.

HurtButHopeful? posted 8/18/2013 01:28 AM

Sorry for rambling, and if it sounds like I'm contradicting myself in this post, but my faith and trust have been all over the place since the A.

Initially after Dday I felt God actually carried me through the first 13 days. I fasted on water for God to bring my H back to his senses. He did, and I stopped the fast.

However, because of the initial A, others in our church abused our family, including our children. I have no desire to fellowship with anyone from that denomination anymore. At another church, I was told I was "in sin" because I was still very hurt and angry. I was advised to never speak about it again, which I refused, since that is not Biblical advice, but cultish advise.

People have let me down more than God has.

I quit trusting in God's interest in my well being. He allowed my Christian husband to cheat on me, while I was really seeking a deeper relationship with God.

Part of me is afraid to trust God, because I now know He really doesn't care about my day to day happiness: meaning he doesn't seem to mind letting my heart and potentially my family to get blown to pieces, if it is for some greater good which has not yet been revealed to me.

At first I thougth it was to help my WH face his own brokenness and finallly want to deal with his own issues. now that WH seems to be blocking out any personal issues and getting back to pre A attitudes, I am wondering if God just wanted to make me miserable, and destroy our family (if we get D.)

Only a few days ago, however, for the first time since the A, I asked God to become real to me and speak to me. The last couple of days I have heard from Him and feel more vulnerable to Him again.

God is a personal God. A WS can set up stumbling blocks for the BS to fall over. But ultimately, it is God who can pick up the BS, if she desires it and asks for His help.

God is still there, whether we ask for His help or not. Sometimes we don't like His tactics, but that doesn't change that He is ultimately in charge, if we let him be.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 1:32 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]

TimeToManUp posted 8/18/2013 05:54 AM

While I strongly encourage her faith and participation, I am a person with very little faith. I am not certain that I believe in a higher power, but I definitely respect everyone's individual beliefs, and encourage their pursuit of such.

This here is how I would describe myself for the most part. I am very scientific about things, which is a big part of the breakdowns in communication we have had. And like I mentioned in a previous topic, I've never felt I had a "spiritual" side.

I was raised in one denomination, but mostly just to appease my father's mother. My dad cared, but he worked rotating shifts and never went to church himself. My mom did not come from a strong religious family, and her denomination was different from my dad's. When I married my BW, I joined her church. It was still Christian, so with my lax religious beliefs, it was really no more of a strain than drinking Coke instead of Pepsi to me. However, I have always been impressed by the welcoming nature of our congregation. It is very diverse, many nationalities, gay, straight. Really a pleasant place. I do not personally take a literal approach to religion, but I think our church's overall message is very good.

And to the poster who asked if I thought I was cool with God: No, I don't. But God is immortal, my BW is not. I need to worry about our relationship first. He's got eternity to wait for me. And besides, I have a large supports system available to me, my BW does not. I don't want to take her pastor, too. Yes, he is there for all, but really, with her faith and activity in the church, she should have first dibs, especially when it is not something I am currently struggling with.

SeeThingsNow1 posted 8/18/2013 06:52 AM

my H did a stupid thing almost a year to the day i had found out about EA and I yelled at him, "I hate God,its all a lie for stupid people to rationalize bad shit in their lives" because we had been praying and I thought getting deeper back into a spiritual relationship together. He calmly told me, " God didnt let you down, I DID" I had to sit back and think and I see now, God was there but H made a stupid decision which free will allows. It hurt to think H would jeopardize our rebuilding the relationship and i was angry at God for not smacking him in the head and making him not do it...but it was a bad choice H chose. God is not a puppet master , "making" people do or not do things.

TimeToManUp posted 8/18/2013 10:31 AM

TTMU. This is TCD's issue to deal with. Not yours.
You carry your water....and she carries hers.....

I understand what you're saying here. I've seen many posts about WSes accepting that they can't "fix" their BS, they need to own and fix their own problems and support their BS as they fix theirs. I have been scared that if I can't fix EVERYTHING, her included, she will leave, or at least never heal. And it's not just a matter of "She doesn't expect you to fix things, she just needs your support and compassion." When you receive texts like "Just. Fucking. Fix this," it doesn't sound like she just want support. So I am scared to let go of the responsibility. You know what I mean?

Losttransport posted 8/19/2013 10:01 AM

It's hard for me to hear His voice now. I know God didn't let me down, WH did, but it doesn't matter. We were Christian, so was OW. She was even treasurer in her church. Very active. I loved The Lord, prayed with people, prayed over people. But now it's so hollow inside. I haven't stepped foot in a church since then.
WH said that he wanted to start going again. I told him fine, he was more than welcome, but I just couldn't go with him.

wifeno2 posted 8/19/2013 10:23 AM

Yes, lost it. Not immediately but after watching so many good people doing the "right things" for all the right reasons and suffering. Sometimes because they were choosing to do the right thing. People chosing to serve themselves, do horrible things-not suffering. It destroyed my faith, my belief in karma, my source of purpose/comfort/solace all of it.

I'm trying to rebuild it in a new framework. But it is still a struggle.

authenticnow posted 8/19/2013 10:27 AM

Bloomsday,

BSs are not to throw 2x4s in the WS forum. Please stick to the forum guidelines or you will be removed from the wayward forum.

Thank you.