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I found out from her via Facebook

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Hopefulinva posted 8/17/2013 17:59 PM

I'm brand new here and like most never thought I would be posting on a forum like this. Please forgive my long hand as I am not really up with all the shorthand lingo

My title says it all..... I received a message on Facebook 18 days ago from a woman claiming to have slept with my husband 22 days ago.

A little background. My husband is active duty military for 16 years. We just had our 15 year anniversary and I have been with him through his entire career. I have never ever thought of him straying. Our marriage isn't perfect as we all have ups and downs. We were essentially happy.

Anyway back to my story. My husband had been away for a week due to school for his job and one messages rocked my world.

She messaged to to tell me about a man she met at a bar, same last name but different first name. She gave me details about conversations which were pretty much exagerations of truths. He has my initials tattooed on his ring finger and he explained that away as he was once married, but the military lifestyle had taken a toll on our marriage and we divorced. He said he had no children to which we have 2. He made up new, but not so different life that just didn't include me or my children. She then told me that they went back to the hotel he was staying and ended up sleeping together.

As soon as I got this message I called him and asked who was this Woman? He had told me that it was some scorned chick who was mad that he rejected her advances. I wasn't completely convinced so I messages her back to ask for some confirmation.

Then he called me back. And confessed to everything. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was in shock. I was shaking. I was sick to my stomache. He was bawling and apologizing profusely. He said that he had way to much to drink and was just lapping up the attention he was getting from his made up life. I couldnt take it. I hung up. I didn't sleep all night. I shook all night. I cried all night. How could he pretend we didn't exist? How could he be with another woman? My mind played out my own version of his massive betrayal. I didn't like what I was seeing. It was then that I knew for my own sanity I wanted every single nitty gritty detail. I wanted it all no matter how much it hurt.

I had no one to talk to. Until he told. Me that he told his mother. I didn't want to tell anyone, I felt it was his truth to tell, not mine. So I talked and cried with his mother. She made no excuses for him and she told me she would stand by me no matter what I decided to do. I had to talk to him now though.

I asked for everything. What they talked about, how things happened, what were they wearing, every little detail you can possibly imagine I asked for and got.

He wasn't due back from school for another week and to be honest I think that helped most with my decision to work things out. If I had to face him right away I think I would have felt differently. If I felt he wasn't being honest I messages her to ask. Which was probably the hardest thing ever. I trusted him so completely and I had to rely on the other woman for confirmation. Unfortunately there are things he doesn't remember and I only have her to rely on. I hate that I don't hate this woman. I feel like I should, but I see her as much a victim as I am. She had no idea who she was getting involved with.

Thankfully protection wash used, and since he wAs clipped years ago there is almost zero chance of a pregnancy.

He says that he knew what he ws doing and the guilt got to him mid act and he couldn't keep going. He said he stopped,but not soon enough.

For the next 4 days we spent hours and hours talking. We really hadn't talked like that in years. That helped a lot. The day he came home ws nerve racking. I didn't know how I would react face to face. Could i touch him? Could i kiss him? Would we sleep n seperate rooms? Would sex ever be the same? We've pretty much been talking nonstop since the day I found out.

I have to say that finding out from her was probably best. He says he didn't plan on telling me,but didn't know how he could lie to my face. I think the time away really helped, I think knowing every single detail has helped. I needed to know that it wasn't the same. He didn't do things the same with her. I told him the things that he did do will either never happen again or take a really long time for me to get over.

I'm hopeful that we will continue of this good path. He is utterly remorseful and profusely claims nothing like this had ever happened before nor will it happen again. Call me crazy but i do believe him. I just struggle with my own mind. I have forgiven him, because I felt it was right and he wouldn't be able to work on forgiving himself until he knew I forgave. He knows I don't fully trust and I will have questions for a while.

He returned back to school today for a couple months but will be returning hme on the weekends and knows that I will be "watching" him. He's willing to submit to anything I ask of him and do anything that I need to help me fully trust again.

Thanks or reading my long winded account. Feel free to ask me anything.

whattheh posted 8/17/2013 18:14 PM

I'm very sorry this has happened to you.

Do you have any idea why she was compelled to search you out and tell you? Don't believe everything she tells you. In my case the whore wanted me to divorce my fWH so she could presumably get him and his assets...

Also Herpes and HPV (both at epidemic levels) can both be passed even when condoms are used. If they did oral (likely no protection was used) or if they french kissed then you can catch STD's that way too. If you get tested now you'll also need to be tested again in 6 months or so.

My fWH caught Herpes and HPV from a Craigslist Whore and passed it to me. The woman he slept with sounds like she "gets around" which ups your odds sadly.

Check out the books "How to Forgive" and "After the Affair" by Janice Abrams Spring for some very useful information.

I have found this experience to be very destablizing. So I thought I had forgiven my fWH but I hadn't really. The book I mentioned is helping us work towards genuine forgiveness which must be earned. So don't be surprised if you find your forgiveness was preliminary or possibly more of an acceptance.

Hopefulinva posted 8/17/2013 18:43 PM

Hi there

She contacted me because she felt the need to tell me who my husband was pretending to be. She thought he was a divorced man and after a couple days she said something didn't add up so she reversed searched his cell phone, which of course is in my name. She found my fb page and saw our life together and she flipped out because she had slept with a married man. She confronted him after her message to me.

I get checked out regularly and luckily she has been very open to any of my questions. I will be making a special trip to my gyn just to be on the safe side.

I honestly believe that had he been truthful with her that she would not have gone after him.

Thank you for the references. I will check them out.

doesitgetbetter posted 8/17/2013 20:32 PM

Hopeful, you need to also be aware of an STD called HSV. It's not testable in men, and it can take years (literally YEARS) to show up in women as well. It causes cervical cancer in women, and oral and throat cancer in men. Keep on top of your pap's and make sure to follow up on any irregular results. HPV is transferred regardless of using a condom or not, so there is no "safe sex" really... just "safer".

I'm so sorry you are here. Take care of yourself, and go at the pace you are comfortable. I also needed all the details, and contacted the OW to get confirmation. Just be aware that contacting the OW is dangerous and should be stopped soon so you can focus your attention on your M and not worry about her, whether she was "innocent" in all this or not.

RockyMtn posted 8/17/2013 20:59 PM

Yes, I agree with doesitgetbetter re: the OW. So far, it seems to have worked in your favor to be in touch with her and it sounds like she's been a great source of info. I like to think the best of people; she may really feel like she's doing the right thing with the best intentions at heart. don't know her. It is always best to be careful with the OW, even those that are duped like this one. She may want revenge, etc. Plus, even if she is really kind, it isn't healthy for you to stay in touch with her. Whether you divorce or reconcile or stay in limbo for awhile, distance from her will help you heal. You can always re-open communication at a later date if absolutely necessary.

I just want to point out a semi-positive. Your wayward husband may have tried to deny, but it sounds like he pretty quickly learned that lying to you was not going to work for you or him. That's a good sign. Many, many people in his situation drag out the truth for weeks or months, coming up with elaborate stories and explaining away evidence. Short of him confessing himself, him coming clean so quickly bodes well for you - even if you don't stay together, it means there is some desire within him to be a fully honest person, which is good for your kids.

I'm going to also throw out a semi-negative. The fact that he could so quickly become another person means that you should tread carefully as to whether this is his first time or not. It may be - as evidenced by him quickly confirming the truth. But it may not be - many people who wind up in As have at least flirted with deceit (and other people) before they really go for it.

I'm glad your here, Hopefulinva.

Hopefulinva posted 8/18/2013 00:10 AM

Thank you for your insights.

I'm not holding any illusions and the husband knows there is a lot of work to do. He is willing to do anything and everything to do what I need him to do to gain my trust again.

I should clarify that I am not in contact with the other woman any longer. It was only the day after he confessed that I contacted her to verify details and told her I wouldn't contact her again and asked her to not contact me or my husband again.

Proceeding with caution is my main priority right now. Doing what's right for me, my kids, and yes even my husband. He is fully compliant with my spying, my questions, everything. But I haven't let my guard down and he knows it. I am just hopeful that we can maintain this good place and really build back the trust that I once had.

I really do appriciate all the advice!

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