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HealingmyHeart85 posted 8/17/2013 18:36 PM

I wasn't going to post this, but then I thought, what the hell. Might as well be honest and deal with it.

DH had an emotional affair about 3 years ago with a coworker. I found out, on my birthday, what was going on (via dirty texts) and we started counseling . Things got worse and I found out it wasn't just emotional but physical as well. Physical happened while in counseling for the emotional part.

We continued counseling and I made the decision to forgive and continue our marriage. He agreed to cut off all ties and not be friends with female coworkers outside of work.

I feel like I haven't really forgiven. If that's even the right word. Moved on? I'm still angry about what happened and it comes up at odd times. He's deployed now, but a disagreement about something little becomes "well, deal with it, I didn't cheat," type argument and I don't know how to move forward. I don't know how to fight fair after infertility happened.

I made the decision to forgive. But sometimes I question that decision. Or I guess I don't know how to move past the "you did this," "sooo...I can..."

I do love him. He's done everything I've asked to be comfortable in our marriage. He is a good dad. He's my best friend. He's trying. I feel like I'm not.

Any thoughts?

*I know asking for advice online leads to lots of opinions. I welcome all opinions, really I do. But please know it was difficult for me to open up about this. * I'm nervous for the judgement (maybe needed??) but still, scary..

TIA

Teach8 posted 8/17/2013 19:59 PM

Hi, Healing. Sorry you are still struggling. I think you are right...you may not have forgiven yet. Maybe you choosing to forgive him and actually forgiving him are two different things. I am only 16 months out and I haven't forgiven yet...or even accepted it yet. I'm working on it though. My H and I talk a lot and communicate our needs. Maybe you and your H still have some work to do??? I really don't know...just wondering if simple arguments turning into cheating comments is because some issues may have been rugswept? My H and I discuss triggers and infidelity related issues fairly regularly still, so maybe that is why I don't throw that stuff at him during a regular argument. Do you think there are some things you and your H need to address? Sorry...probably more questions than helpful advice.

EtTuBrute posted 8/17/2013 20:20 PM

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rachelc posted 8/17/2013 20:53 PM

My advice to her husband is to never mention her affair again. It's a good example of one of the enemies of good conversation, dwelling on past mistakes. Whenever you keep bringing up your spouses past mistakes, you not only make your conversations incredibly unpleasant, but it cannot possibly lead to a resolution of a conflict you may be discussing

This paragraph is in part 4 on resentment. Really? I would bail on the marriage if I could never talk about it again..

Personally, I don't think forgiveness is imperative in a marriage stricken by infidelity. Are you sure you're not being too hard on yourself? This is a many year battle for some.

LA44 posted 8/17/2013 21:11 PM

Hello HmH85: no judgement from me. Infidelity is a trauma. Traumas take time to recover from. Of course your mind "goes back" to what your H did. Of course you will feel angry. I think talking about the A when you need to is important but throwing the A in his face if he has shown remorse and is owning/changing his behavior just bc you can is going to make R difficult. And I suspect with him being away, that has its own set of stresses as is.

Have you read "After the Affair" by Janis A Spring. It focuses on healing the pain and rebuilding trust.

This might be a good read for you at this stage.

Good luck and keep posting here. It helps!
LA44