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I can't make it

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whatamidoing posted 8/17/2013 20:59 PM

I am so sorry to keep posting
I am home alone and I am freaking out
I have had a bad week
I had three weeks of mutual NC with STBXH and prior to that he had spent 4 months saying words that would lead me to believe he was no longer seeing OW and wanted to be a better person
I have not let him kiss me or anything I have not told him I can R at all since nov but my heart softened and I was a good friend to him and put up with his crap
Anyway on Tuesday I got a text from OW saying she was in town and taking my kids to WH's family cottage starting the following wed
I freaked out my WH made it see like he knew it was wrong and he was going to fix it
The left and I made it 1 day and I freaked out again
Now he won't speak to me
I threatened to come and expose him in front of everyone
I know it would not matter anyway
I am just freaking out that I have to sit back and live like this while he cheapens my favorite vacation place my family !
For 20 years it was our spot
Not it is all gross and I feel sick
I can't get it together
I am not sure if I want to lose it publicly or kill myself privately
I can't live like this any more
I get he is not who I thought he was
I could not have dreamed the last two years up in my nightmares
I have to go back to work in a week and I am just as big a mess now as I was on DD
God help me
I can't keep reacting to his selfish shit
I can't stop feeling and hurting and panicking
I can't and don't want to liv like this
Two years is enough
I just want out

AppleBlossom posted 8/17/2013 21:04 PM

Whatamidoing, you should probably reach out to someone in real life right now if you feel that you may hurt yourself. Can you do that?

I am online right now, would you like to talk by pm?

whatamidoing posted 8/17/2013 21:08 PM

I won't do anything I am sorry I should not have said that
I never do anything
I never do anything
Just play the poor victim and hurt
I will be fine
I am sorry

strawblond30 posted 8/17/2013 21:08 PM

I feel for you . I've been with my ex for 20 yrs and we just divorced and he says he loves me and bla bla but next week end has plans to go away with another woman. I can't deal with it. We should be full of hate and discuss for them. Hugs your way!!

AppleBlossom posted 8/17/2013 21:09 PM

You can say anything you like and you dont need to apologise and I dont think you are "playing" any kind of role. You are hurting, and your words show how much.

PhantomLimb posted 8/17/2013 21:11 PM

whatamidoing: I had the same thoughts many times in the first two months after DDay. The most important thing for me in those moments was to make sure I wasn't alone-- whether it was asking someone to come over, going over someone else's house or just being on the phone with someone.

Please reach out! And please think of your children and all of the people who love you. You are not defined by this.

caregiver9000 posted 8/17/2013 21:18 PM

(((hugs)))

When you are in Hell, keep walking.

You can do this. He sucks, what he has done is awful. It isn't easy, but the other side of the pain is a good place to get to!!

Keep walking.

tesla posted 8/17/2013 21:31 PM

Never apologize for how you feel. You are allowed to feel hurt. You are allowed to be angry and sad.

Please, if you feel like hurting yourself (which you are allowed to feel...it's ok to say that) please reach out to someone IRL.

In my darkest hours I wanted to end it but I kept my focus on my wonderful child and told myself no matter how rejected and abandoned I felt, no matter how much pain I was going through that I would do whatever I had to to get to the other side and be the best mother I could be.

(((((((HUGS)))))))

Nature_Girl posted 8/17/2013 21:36 PM

You can do it. You can make it. You can. I think if you start being proactive about protecting yourself & your children, you'll start feeling better.

Have you filed for divorce? If not, did you know that there can be significant advantages of being the one who files (the petitioner)?

Do you have a lawyer?

Do you have an IC?

Do your kids have a counselor?

Have you told anyone IRL so they can help you walk through this hell?

homewrecked2011 posted 8/17/2013 22:22 PM

In the early days, anytime I thought I could not make it, I became determined that I was going to see my children grow up and NOT leave them to grow up with WS and OW (whom they also set me up to be her friend, just like what happened to you).

Try as hard as you can to have little contact with them.

No contact = no new hurts.

Just keep posting on this same thread so that we can all help you thru this.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:23 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

dmari posted 8/17/2013 22:36 PM

Never apologize for posting. For me, posting is what saved me. What you are going through is horrendous. I am so sorry you are hurting. You don't need to "protect" him. If you need to share what is happening to you, DO IT!

After my dday, the pain I felt in my gut was like someone took a knife and just gutted me. It was physically so painful. I sobbed. And you know what, I told my family and friends because I KNEW I was going to need their support. I even told some what I needed specifically from them because I was not in the right frame of mind. I realized I needed to be "transparent" so that people could check on me and hold me accountable.

I know you don't want to live like this. And you won't for long. Every minute that passes, brings you closer to feeling better. It can seem excruciating slow.

Are you a book reader? A couple of books that helped me are "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" and codependent books.

I am concerned about you. Do you have family and friends near by? Are you in IC? Have you seen your family doctor? If you feel like hurting yourself, call 911 or a hotline. Please.

caregiver9000 posted 8/17/2013 22:37 PM

I can remember thinking that I WOULD do it, because he didn't think I could.

I would come here, and all these people would believe I could, and that I would.

Lean on us. Let us believe in you right now, and remind you to believe in you too.

whatamidoing posted 8/18/2013 10:40 AM

thanks everyone
I am really good at looking together in front of everyone including my IC and doctor
I seem like I have wisdom and I am healing but it has been over a year since DD and I am still pathetic
my mind knows reality and my heart knows he was an illusion but I still waiver and hurt and allow him to get away with stupid stuff
I always speak my mind but have no follow through and he knows it and now doesn't actually care cause he has OW and 1/2 my business and 1/2 my family so he can't be swayed or reasoned with
I know I will be ok
I just wanted to be better than ok
I wanted everything and now I have my kids one who is going away to school soon
I want to be better now!

nowiknow23 posted 8/18/2013 10:50 AM

YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC!! Don't make me come over there, honey.

You will be better than ok. But it's going to take some work and time. Time is time - it will take care of itself. You need to do the work, however.

So, what are you doing to move yourself forward? What do you WANT to do? What drives you? What interests you? Do you have goals you are working toward in your new life?

dmari posted 8/18/2013 11:25 AM

I am really good at looking together in front of everyone including my IC and doctor
Don't put on an "act". Your IC and doctor WANT to help but can't if you are not honest. I have been seeing the same doctor for over 10 years. After dday I went to see her and I just completely lost it in front of her. Just completely. She was empathetic and knew what I needed. The medication helped me through the darkest times. Please be honest with your IC and doctor. Take care!

[This message edited by dmari at 11:26 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]

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