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Divorce/Separation :
I can't make it

This Topic is Archived
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 whatamidoing (original poster member #37152) posted at 2:59 AM on Sunday, August 18th, 2013

I am so sorry to keep posting

I am home alone and I am freaking out

I have had a bad week

I had three weeks of mutual NC with STBXH and prior to that he had spent 4 months saying words that would lead me to believe he was no longer seeing OW and wanted to be a better person

I have not let him kiss me or anything I have not told him I can R at all since nov but my heart softened and I was a good friend to him and put up with his crap

Anyway on Tuesday I got a text from OW saying she was in town and taking my kids to WH's family cottage starting the following wed

I freaked out my WH made it see like he knew it was wrong and he was going to fix it

The left and I made it 1 day and I freaked out again

Now he won't speak to me

I threatened to come and expose him in front of everyone

I know it would not matter anyway

I am just freaking out that I have to sit back and live like this while he cheapens my favorite vacation place my family !

For 20 years it was our spot

Not it is all gross and I feel sick

I can't get it together

I am not sure if I want to lose it publicly or kill myself privately

I can't live like this any more

I get he is not who I thought he was

I could not have dreamed the last two years up in my nightmares

I have to go back to work in a week and I am just as big a mess now as I was on DD

God help me

I can't keep reacting to his selfish shit

I can't stop feeling and hurting and panicking

I can't and don't want to liv like this

Two years is enough

I just want out

A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

posts: 191   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2012   ·   location: Guelph
id 6452843
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AppleBlossom ( member #38541) posted at 3:04 AM on Sunday, August 18th, 2013

Whatamidoing, you should probably reach out to someone in real life right now if you feel that you may hurt yourself. Can you do that?

I am online right now, would you like to talk by pm?

posts: 154   ·   registered: Feb. 23rd, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 6452845
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 whatamidoing (original poster member #37152) posted at 3:08 AM on Sunday, August 18th, 2013

I won't do anything I am sorry I should not have said that

I never do anything

I never do anything

Just play the poor victim and hurt

I will be fine

I am sorry

A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

posts: 191   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2012   ·   location: Guelph
id 6452846
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strawblond30 ( member #6263) posted at 3:08 AM on Sunday, August 18th, 2013

I feel for you . I've been with my ex for 20 yrs and we just divorced and he says he loves me and bla bla but next week end has plans to go away with another woman. I can't deal with it. We should be full of hate and discuss for them. Hugs your way!!

Divorced 2013 after several years of infidelity on both sides. Remarried July 2018 my new husband Is opposite from Ex. I can actually breath with out worrying what he is doing. Living my best life now .

posts: 1122   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2005   ·   location: illinois
id 6452847
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AppleBlossom ( member #38541) posted at 3:09 AM on Sunday, August 18th, 2013

You can say anything you like and you dont need to apologise and I dont think you are "playing" any kind of role. You are hurting, and your words show how much.

posts: 154   ·   registered: Feb. 23rd, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 6452848
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PhantomLimb ( member #39668) posted at 3:11 AM on Sunday, August 18th, 2013

whatamidoing: I had the same thoughts many times in the first two months after DDay. The most important thing for me in those moments was to make sure I wasn't alone-- whether it was asking someone to come over, going over someone else's house or just being on the phone with someone.

Please reach out! And please think of your children and all of the people who love you. You are not defined by this.

BS / D

posts: 893   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2013
id 6452850
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caregiver9000 ( member #28622) posted at 3:18 AM on Sunday, August 18th, 2013

(((hugs)))

When you are in Hell, keep walking.

You can do this. He sucks, what he has done is awful. It isn't easy, but the other side of the pain is a good place to get to!!

Keep walking.

Me: fortysomething, independent, happy,
XH "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
two kids, teens. Old enough I am truly NO CONTACT w/ NPD zebraduck
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

posts: 7063   ·   registered: May. 27th, 2010   ·   location: a better place
id 6452865
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tesla ( member #34697) posted at 3:31 AM on Sunday, August 18th, 2013

Never apologize for how you feel. You are allowed to feel hurt. You are allowed to be angry and sad.

Please, if you feel like hurting yourself (which you are allowed to feel...it's ok to say that) please reach out to someone IRL.

In my darkest hours I wanted to end it but I kept my focus on my wonderful child and told myself no matter how rejected and abandoned I felt, no matter how much pain I was going through that I would do whatever I had to to get to the other side and be the best mother I could be.

(((((((HUGS)))))))

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

posts: 5066   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2012
id 6452878
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Nature_Girl ( member #32554) posted at 3:36 AM on Sunday, August 18th, 2013

You can do it. You can make it. You can. I think if you start being proactive about protecting yourself & your children, you'll start feeling better.

Have you filed for divorce? If not, did you know that there can be significant advantages of being the one who files (the petitioner)?

Do you have a lawyer?

Do you have an IC?

Do your kids have a counselor?

Have you told anyone IRL so they can help you walk through this hell?

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

posts: 10722   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2011   ·   location: USA
id 6452886
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 4:22 AM on Sunday, August 18th, 2013

In the early days, anytime I thought I could not make it, I became determined that I was going to see my children grow up and NOT leave them to grow up with WS and OW (whom they also set me up to be her friend, just like what happened to you).

Try as hard as you can to have little contact with them.

No contact = no new hurts.

Just keep posting on this same thread so that we can all help you thru this.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:23 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5513   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 6452945
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dmari ( member #37215) posted at 4:36 AM on Sunday, August 18th, 2013

Never apologize for posting. For me, posting is what saved me. What you are going through is horrendous. I am so sorry you are hurting. You don't need to "protect" him. If you need to share what is happening to you, DO IT!

After my dday, the pain I felt in my gut was like someone took a knife and just gutted me. It was physically so painful. I sobbed. And you know what, I told my family and friends because I KNEW I was going to need their support. I even told some what I needed specifically from them because I was not in the right frame of mind. I realized I needed to be "transparent" so that people could check on me and hold me accountable.

I know you don't want to live like this. And you won't for long. Every minute that passes, brings you closer to feeling better. It can seem excruciating slow.

Are you a book reader? A couple of books that helped me are "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" and codependent books.

I am concerned about you. Do you have family and friends near by? Are you in IC? Have you seen your family doctor? If you feel like hurting yourself, call 911 or a hotline. Please.

posts: 2868   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2012
id 6452957
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caregiver9000 ( member #28622) posted at 4:37 AM on Sunday, August 18th, 2013

I can remember thinking that I WOULD do it, because he didn't think I could.

I would come here, and all these people would believe I could, and that I would.

Lean on us. Let us believe in you right now, and remind you to believe in you too.

Me: fortysomething, independent, happy,
XH "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
two kids, teens. Old enough I am truly NO CONTACT w/ NPD zebraduck
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

posts: 7063   ·   registered: May. 27th, 2010   ·   location: a better place
id 6452958
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 whatamidoing (original poster member #37152) posted at 4:40 PM on Sunday, August 18th, 2013

thanks everyone

I am really good at looking together in front of everyone including my IC and doctor

I seem like I have wisdom and I am healing but it has been over a year since DD and I am still pathetic

my mind knows reality and my heart knows he was an illusion but I still waiver and hurt and allow him to get away with stupid stuff

I always speak my mind but have no follow through and he knows it and now doesn't actually care cause he has OW and 1/2 my business and 1/2 my family so he can't be swayed or reasoned with

I know I will be ok

I just wanted to be better than ok

I wanted everything and now I have my kids one who is going away to school soon

I want to be better now!

A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

posts: 191   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2012   ·   location: Guelph
id 6453336
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nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 4:50 PM on Sunday, August 18th, 2013

YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC!! Don't make me come over there, honey.

You will be better than ok. But it's going to take some work and time. Time is time - it will take care of itself. You need to do the work, however.

So, what are you doing to move yourself forward? What do you WANT to do? What drives you? What interests you? Do you have goals you are working toward in your new life?

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 6453345
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dmari ( member #37215) posted at 5:25 PM on Sunday, August 18th, 2013

I am really good at looking together in front of everyone including my IC and doctor

Don't put on an "act". Your IC and doctor WANT to help but can't if you are not honest. I have been seeing the same doctor for over 10 years. After dday I went to see her and I just completely lost it in front of her. Just completely. She was empathetic and knew what I needed. The medication helped me through the darkest times. Please be honest with your IC and doctor. Take care!

[This message edited by dmari at 11:26 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]

posts: 2868   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2012
id 6453392
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