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Sigh....He just doesn't get it!

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emotionalgirl posted 8/17/2013 21:38 PM

Yesterday I posted that although he had sworn he was not seeing OW he went to see her after work. When he got home and I pushed as he kept lying about his whereabouts. I finally told him I knew where he had been...he brushed it off as me being stupid about an innocent friendship.

Today we had a great day and then he announces he is going to a party. He has always had a group of friends that I don't spend time with so I wasn't invited ( I have no idea if she will be there). He was not enthused about going so I told him to just skip it, he insisted he had to put in an appearance. He does not drink and drive and I used to be ok with him crashing on someone's couch, now I am not. So I say to him, take a cab home I would prefer you not staying out all night under the circumstances. He just looks at me like I am an idiot. I ask if he has his cell turned on, he says don't know don't care don't need it. I said I like to be able to know I can reach you. He just shrugs, gives me a kiss and leaves.

I swear he is such an idiot. He does not get that even if this is not a PA it is still an EA and damaging our marriage. He can not understand why I am so angry and don't trust him as far as I can throw him. I swear he is the most naive and stupid man alive!!!!

Thank you for listening...I just needed to vent!

ItsNotUitsMe posted 8/17/2013 22:10 PM

Speaking in general terms, the more defensive they are, the more they are hiding. You probably shouldn't trust him at all. Conveniently, he is going somewhere he knows you would not go with him, which is a great cover, because it is not unusual. And then just to make it even more plausible, he "really doesn't want to go". Really, a party and he tells you just before he goes like he didn't know about it ahead of time?

You say that you don't trust him but you seem pretty convinced that he is where he says he is. But maybe I don't have details and you have verified this.

nowiknow23 posted 8/17/2013 22:27 PM

I'm not so sure that he "doesn't get it." Based on what you wrote, he seems to know full well that what he is doing is making you uncomfortable - you're doing just fine communicating that. It seems more like he isn't willing to do what you need to make you feel safe.


emotionalgirl posted 8/17/2013 22:30 PM

I actually don't trust him but I know he is at a party because he was talking on speaker phone with his fried about it and I DO trust his friend. He thinks my WH is being an idiot and is on my side in this. What I don't trust is that he will leave the party and end up at her place that is why I told him NOT to stay out all night...My WS is just a huge naive idiot who seriously just does not get why I am pissed off and don't trust him at all. He is going to loose everything over this if he keeps it up!

emotionalgirl posted 8/17/2013 22:35 PM

I TRY to make it clear that this
" friendship" makes me uncomfortable. He is so sure of his innocence that he just ignores me totally and changes the subject. It is like we are at a stale mate both believing we are right!

ItsNotUitsMe posted 8/17/2013 22:55 PM

Ugh! So frustrating! I'd almost tell him he's right and I'm nuts and over reacting but out of respect for me and our marriage you need to prove that our relationship means more than something that is just a friendship. If you can't give it up, I can only assume that it is more than friends and your relationship with her is obviously more important than our marriage.

Gosh, I hardly ever post in here but he is really missing me off!

hailstormer posted 8/17/2013 23:07 PM

Married 25 years and you let him go out alone? I was married 19 years and believed my WS BS about his "friendship" of course it ended up being all crap. You need to get the book "NOT Just Friends".
If it is true then you are opening the door and letting him walk right into her arms whenever he wishes.
You want to keep your marriage you better start putting your foot down now or your gonna end up a very lonely girl.....just like me!
Just saying speaking from experience. My WS left his wife and kids to live with his "Good Friend"
Good Luck

emotionalgirl posted 8/17/2013 23:11 PM

It's not you....he is really pissing me off too! Just so frustrating as other than this stupid situation we really do have a good marriage and enjoy being in each others company. He is just getting something from her that he isn't getting from me (i am 95% sue this is not a PA) and I don't know what it is. She wants what is mine and I won't give it up that easily. That is why i say he is naive, he just doesn't see it that way. He has a
Ways been the guy who accepts any sob story and wants to help everyone, he has a good heart in that way. I have thought of calling her but I know that will just drive an even bigger wedge between WH and myself and push him toward her more ( it is like dealing with a 2 yr old, tell them they can't have something and they want it more just to defy you). Your suggestion has serious merit however grrrrrr I want to tear my hair out! He is such an idiot!

ItsNotUitsMe posted 8/17/2013 23:12 PM

Do you know where he is supposed to be right now? can you see if he is there? Did you try to call him to see if he has his phone? I have visions of him getting the guy you trust on speaker phone for your benefit and when he leaves the house he calls friend to cancel and heads to OW.

emotionalgirl posted 8/17/2013 23:15 PM

Hailstormer....we have always had girls night and guys night out. It is what has worked for us for years. This is why his friend thinks he is being an idiot and is on my side. My WS has always had it really good, his friends all say that if he ever doesn't want me they will be first in line to marry me instead. ( makes a girl feel good). Time for a shake up. Apparently he has had it too good for too many years!

emotionalgirl posted 8/17/2013 23:16 PM

His friend will not cover for him...he is part of how I found out about the OW in the first place!

Nature_Girl posted 8/17/2013 23:24 PM

This will stop when you decide it stops. Right now you're engaging in a very unhealthy "pick me" dance. As his wife, you have every right to put your foot down and demand better behavior on his part.

But sadly, I think it's you who does not get it at this point. He clearly does not give a shit about you or what's right/wrong. He's telling you to put a sock in it and let him whore around as he chooses. He doesn't have any respect for you.

So when are you finally going to get it and start protecting yourself? Stop asking him questions. You know he's just going to lie. When he gets home tonight/tomorrow morning perhaps he should find he's been Hefty Bagged to the curb? Or at least had his belongings put in the guest bedroom or garage? You don't have to put up with this kind of behavior.

hailstormer posted 8/17/2013 23:26 PM

Yes we had the girls nites and guys nites that is where his "friendship" started with a co-worker crying on his shoulder after beers on the usual Friday nite after work get together.
Be careful the OP does not care and will do everything to make your partner want them they don't care about the wife....I know my WS bitch came to my home and waved her finger in my face and said if I would have treated him better he wouldn't be with her now...needless to say I was lucky I was not arrested.
Be very careful I too believed all of the stories from my WS. And go to the healing library on this site they will tell you a EA is worse than an PA.
That is what this site is for we have all been there done that and I wish I wuld have found this site earlier because I was so nave!

ItsNotUitsMe posted 8/17/2013 23:28 PM

I am having a hard time finding the right words to convey what is getting me so angry. I think it's his demeanor, getting annoyed and angry. I try to put myself in his shoes and think if my wife of 25 years was accusing me of cheating (and I wasn't) I would feel bad for making her feel that way. I would also be hurt that she would think I was capable. It feels to me that he is annoyed that you are making this more difficult for him to get away with it.

If you really don't think this is PA (and I gotta tell you I am having a hard time believing it is not) then I would talk to OW and have an adult conversation with her. If it's as innocent as he claims then there is no reason for anyone to get upset over it.

hailstormer posted 8/17/2013 23:30 PM

Start your investigating while he is out having fun that is how I found out most of the lies. Check receipts, bank accounts, phone records you might be surprised my WS was pissed at me for having the nerve to mention the "expensive dinner receipts" to him...He never took me to that restaurant...Just sayin.

ItsNotUitsMe posted 8/17/2013 23:34 PM

What I meant about the friend - not that he was in on it. I am suggesting it is possible, that your H set that phone call up on speaker phone knowing that you trust that friend and make you BOTH believe that he was going to the party. Once H left the house, called trusted friend and told him he decided not to go. So now you think he is at party with trusted friend and trusted friend thinks he is home with you. And now he heads to OW. Just a possible scenario...

emotionalgirl posted 8/17/2013 23:34 PM

Thanks everyone....I feel better for all the venting and I can tell you he and I are going to be having a come to Jesus moment, especially if he doesn't come home tonight, and even if he does respect my wishes on that one thing we are still having a chat! I have had enough with my brain tonight I am heading to bed and getting the rest I definitely need and taking care of me because I am worth it dammit!

hailstormer posted 8/17/2013 23:38 PM

Yes you are worth it!!
It took me over a year to realize that one you are doing very well considering.
Good luck tomorrow
Don't know how ya can sleep though I would be watching that clock every minute till he tip toes thru the door.
Good nite

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