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Newest Member: HelloRain (46007)

User Topic: The First Hurdle Is Cleared
MsRukia
♀ 40219
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, it has been a very difficult and intense two weeks (I know more are to come). I had committed to stay for a variety of reasons to include that I thought it was the right thing to do. I have so much to lose should I go, not to mention that our life is a lot to walk away from. Anyways, when WH had the A it broke my heart. I knew he had been unhappy for a long time (even before DDay). Our marriage was vulnurable for a while. The past few months (leading up to DDay) I have been working hard to work on my end of things. Anyways, during that process I wondered why I was married anyways.
Long story, is finally it came to a head this morning. He kept telling me that he loved me. I have been confused and knew I loved him, but I was so hurt, it was hard for me to say it back. Anyways, he point blank asked me if I loved him. If not when was the last time I loved him. He wanted me to stay because I loved him not out of duty. He left very upset with my big girls. He despaired because he felt that if I didn't love him there was no point to reconcile.
In my mind, staying shows that I love him. Caring for him, changing myself for the better, supporting him, etc. all demonstrate my love for him. He didn't seem to get that. Anyways, while he was gone I just felt aweful him thinking I don't love him. Yes I do, I am just so beyond hurt by what he did. I don't think it would hurt so bad if I didn't love him.
Anyways, he came back later and we talked some more. I told him I do love him and I do want this to work. Though the process sucks, I know we can get to the other side. He told me he loves me and wants to do what it takes. So there, the first hurdle is cleared. I do still love him. I still want to kill him though in moments. I will be glad when I am to a point that this roller coaster slows down.


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 177 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
Knowing
♀ 37044
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WS needs a clue. Do not let him badger you. More importantly than the question of "love" at this point is what is he willing to do to prove that he won't do this again.

I'm sure it's a relief to realize that deep down inside you do love him, but don't let yourself be bullied into R. There's a lot of work to do and he will do most of it! That's what he will need to come to terms with!


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
canteat
♀ 39636
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WS needs a clue. Do not let him badger you

I don't see where he is badgering you or clueless.

You both have to commit to a lot of hard work and if either partner has felt insecure in the M for a while (before A) they probably question if there is any hope. Is it even worth trying? I don't see how a WS quesioning if there is love left in the M is him not having a clue. To me it sounds as if he is trying to gauge the viability of the R process and make sure that both partners are willing to commit to R.

My WH had a hard time believing (still struggles) that I will ever be able to forgive him and move past the A. I think this is in part his own guilt but also his years of living with me not being open with my feelings and thus holding grudges. Judging from my track record in the M-the safer bet would be for him believe that I wouldn't be able to forgive him. But I have changed (started IC a few months before A) so I think that I can eventually forgive him. I am working really hard towards that. But I don't begrudge my WH questioning this. I took it as him stating his concerns and needs to R. R is not just about making amends for the A. It is about fixing a broken M or building a new one(as I look at it).

And I do think you cleared the first hurdle-as you say. Our MC said that we need to commit to the R process-not to an outcome. We don't know how things will turn out but we have to commit to TRY and I think you just did that!

[This message edited by canteat at 7:25 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
MsRukia
♀ 40219
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knowing: I don't think he badgered me. Honestly we both have a right to know if love is there. Honestly if we don't love each other, there's no point in moving forward IMO.

Can-that's a good point your counselor made. That you have to commit to the process versus the outcome. Honestly, whether ultimately we stay together or not, healing has to occur. The only way for it to happen is to work through things.

I think I can eventually move past the affair and forgive. I will still remember it and I will remember the pain. But I refuse to live the rest of my life being a victim and wallowing in my pain. There would be no point in it. So I am glad we have the first hurdle cleared. It's still a long road, but at least I feel more sure of which road we are on.


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 177 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
Knowing
♀ 37044
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I apologize if I misunderstood. The way I read your post is that he questioned you about your love, didn't immediately get the answer he wanted, and stormed off with your daughters...

"Long story, is finally it came to a head this morning. He kept telling me that he loved me. I have been confused and knew I loved him, but I was so hurt, it was hard for me to say it back. Anyways, he point blank asked me if I loved him. If not when was the last time I loved him. He wanted me to stay because I loved him not out of duty. He left very upset with my big girls."

The way you wrote this makes it sound like he's demanding of you, when it should be the other way around. I read it as him pulling a "trip" on you.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
GraceisGood
♀ 17686
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

. He wanted me to stay because I loved him not out of duty.

In my mind, staying shows that I love him. Caring for him, changing myself for the better, supporting him, etc. all demonstrate my love for him. He didn't seem to get that.[/bold
]

This is where he needs to get the clue.

It is WAY too soon IMO for him to be requiring such declarations. You have way too much to process and processing takes time, time, time and usually processing leads to more things being brought up which you will then need to process which leads to more time.

We all go through R differently and according to our own individual style/personality/philosophy, etc, so I am glad that this is working for you both, but your H is (IMO) still clueless, and just as it takes time for you to process it all, it takes time for the WS to "get it" to really see what they did, to really understand their side of it and the BS side of it, (if they do really ever fully see the BS side of it of course).

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3487 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
Topic Posts: 6

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