I'm sure it's a relief to realize that deep down inside you do love him, but don't let yourself be bullied into R. There's a lot of work to do and he will do most of it! That's what he will need to come to terms with!
We are in R.
Your WS needs a clue. Do not let him badger you
I don't see where he is badgering you or clueless.
You both have to commit to a lot of hard work and if either partner has felt insecure in the M for a while (before A) they probably question if there is any hope. Is it even worth trying? I don't see how a WS quesioning if there is love left in the M is him not having a clue. To me it sounds as if he is trying to gauge the viability of the R process and make sure that both partners are willing to commit to R.
My WH had a hard time believing (still struggles) that I will ever be able to forgive him and move past the A. I think this is in part his own guilt but also his years of living with me not being open with my feelings and thus holding grudges. Judging from my track record in the M-the safer bet would be for him believe that I wouldn't be able to forgive him. But I have changed (started IC a few months before A) so I think that I can eventually forgive him. I am working really hard towards that. But I don't begrudge my WH questioning this. I took it as him stating his concerns and needs to R. R is not just about making amends for the A. It is about fixing a broken M or building a new one(as I look at it).
And I do think you cleared the first hurdle-as you say. Our MC said that we need to commit to the R process-not to an outcome. We don't know how things will turn out but we have to commit to TRY and I think you just did that!
[This message edited by canteat at 7:25 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]
Can-that's a good point your counselor made. That you have to commit to the process versus the outcome. Honestly, whether ultimately we stay together or not, healing has to occur. The only way for it to happen is to work through things.
I think I can eventually move past the affair and forgive. I will still remember it and I will remember the pain. But I refuse to live the rest of my life being a victim and wallowing in my pain. There would be no point in it. So I am glad we have the first hurdle cleared. It's still a long road, but at least I feel more sure of which road we are on.
"Long story, is finally it came to a head this morning. He kept telling me that he loved me. I have been confused and knew I loved him, but I was so hurt, it was hard for me to say it back. Anyways, he point blank asked me if I loved him. If not when was the last time I loved him. He wanted me to stay because I loved him not out of duty. He left very upset with my big girls."
The way you wrote this makes it sound like he's demanding of you, when it should be the other way around. I read it as him pulling a "trip" on you.
. He wanted me to stay because I loved him not out of duty.
In my mind, staying shows that I love him. Caring for him, changing myself for the better, supporting him, etc. all demonstrate my love for him. He didn't seem to get that.[/bold
This is where he needs to get the clue.
It is WAY too soon IMO for him to be requiring such declarations. You have way too much to process and processing takes time, time, time and usually processing leads to more things being brought up which you will then need to process which leads to more time.
We all go through R differently and according to our own individual style/personality/philosophy, etc, so I am glad that this is working for you both, but your H is (IMO) still clueless, and just as it takes time for you to process it all, it takes time for the WS to "get it" to really see what they did, to really understand their side of it and the BS side of it, (if they do really ever fully see the BS side of it of course).