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More DDays Coming

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MCJLM posted 8/17/2013 22:06 PM

We have been through three DDays so far and have more coming up soon. This has been extremely difficult on my spouse. To make matters worse, I have to see my AP this week because I still work with him. I don't see him very often at all, but this week brings one of those days that I have to. (Getting a new job is something I cannot wait to do, but in my industry right now, that's easier said than done. And I am the main breadwinner for the time being.) My spouse wants to spend more and more time alone. I want so badly to help him through these days and to make anything just a little bit easier so he can get some relief. I have tried to give him the space he is asking for, although some days I'm better at this than others. I'm trying in the meantime to work on myself. I feel helpless as to what else to do. I was there with him for a pretty massive trigger last night and tried to support him. Today, he told me that I just make it worse when I'm around. I know that I can't take his pain, but I hate to see him go through this alone. He tells me there is nothing I can do to help him. He is trying so hard, we both are. We are in MC and me in IC, both weekly, sometimes more. Any thoughts on getting through DDays? I feel like he's not seeing much light at the end of this tunnel.

MCJLM posted 8/17/2013 22:09 PM

Sorry, I should have removed the stop sign. I'm new to posting, so I'm not even quite sure how to edit this. But advice from BS's are welcomed.

BaxtersBFF posted 8/18/2013 00:33 AM

The stop sign is automatically on when you post a new thread on Wayward. You have to uncheck the box before you hit submit for it to be open to BS's. Or you can contact a mod to see if they might open it up for your.

As to your situation...why are there more d-days coming. Can't you get it all out at once and end the misery? Or is the d-day just the fact that you will be seeing the OM this week?

Whatever the case, follow your BH's lead. If he doesn't want you around during triggers, then give him space. If he suddenly changes his mind and does want you around afterall, then be there for him with no questions asked, or no mention of the potential confusion you might feel in trying to figure out how to help him.

Even if you can't find a job in your industry, there are probably things you can do to let him know that you are looking, or that you are keeping your eyes open for new job opportunities. That might give him some comfort that you are committed to changing things for the better.

jrr111800 posted 8/18/2013 00:38 AM

Why more DDays coming?. Not that I am an expert at this by any means, but the longer you take to come clean the worse it will get. Let it all out and let it be One DDay. The Last DDay. Also make sure when you have to interact with the OP make sure there are other people in the room and that you are separated as far from the OP as possible. I have put boundaries in place for myself that I make sure that there is always another Male in the room when I have to deal with women. By doing this it just shows your BS you are making steps to heal his pain. Just a thought.

MCJLM posted 8/18/2013 03:17 AM

I should have been clearer about more DDays coming. This time frame is the 1 year anniversary of the DDays from last year. He has every piece of information. The DDays are anniversary dates of times the OM and I were together physically or times my spouse found out significant information. As I am guilty of TT, he knows the entire nasty story. We are just in the first anniversary of all of these significant dates to him. Could have phrased that better!
Thanks for the posting tip, too.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 8/18/2013 07:08 AM

For our 1 year antiversary (That's what we call it) We made a plan.

We are in a 12 step fellowship and we went away to a convention. We were away from the kids in case it went south, and we were surrounded by people who would be able to support us through any trouble we had. This was the antiversary of when the OM and I were physical.

For the dday antiversary, a week later on Black Friday, we went to family that we had never spent Turkey day with. On Black Friday we went to an all day 12 step event. Once again the kids were taken care of in case we had a rough day.

We did something new and super fun for our DS 3's bday.

What wound up happening is that we created new memories that were so awesome that they will become traditions.

We put a lot of work and planning into this, and it paid off.

Today, he told me that I just make it worse when I'm around

Yeah, One of the hardest things I heard is that I was my Bs's biggest trigger. How was I supposed to help him deal with THAT??

I worked, and am still working, on myself. Hard. Reading, doing stepwork. We read together, I go to IC.
We have a network of people that know what is going on to reach out to. Posting here has been a lifesaver for the both of us.

Is your BS on this site? It has been immeasurably helpful to both of us.

BaxtersBFF posted 8/18/2013 08:11 AM

Ah...antiversaries. Different than d-days, but can feel just as bad.

Like broevil says, having a plan can really help. In a way, I see the having a plan option as maybe taking some of the uncertainty out of what will happen. If you put in time on the plan together, you are working on your M together. If you have the plan, then you already know what you will do. It takes the guess work out of things. And, it might even take some of the emotion out of things (for some people maybe...) so that your BH doesn't have to fear what will happen if you guys are out and about if/when he triggers.

As stated above, your role would be to do what he needs you to do. Say the right words. Or don't say anything at all. Find new ways to say sorry.

Is there a possibility of taking back some of these trigger events? Was their a hotel or other place where you and the OM met that you and your BH could make your own? A lot of folks here have taken things back from the A or have created new memories on those dates. It really depends on what your BH wants, IMO.

metamorphisis posted 8/18/2013 08:16 AM

Stop Sign removed. This thread is now open to BS replies.

MCJLM, In future, you just have to make sure to uncheck the box for the Stop Sign just before you hit submit.

cantaccept posted 8/18/2013 11:00 AM

So glad you asked this question.

Our 11th wedding anniversary is Wednesday, Aug 21 and the start date of his a was Aug 23, 2012.

I am so afraid. I have been feeling so much worse the last couple of weeks.

For me a heartfelt apology would mean a lot. Not just I am sorry but why and specifically what for. In our case there is a lot and would take up a lot of time.

I wish that I could be sure that we could spend the day together but that is not clear yet. I am disappointed because I gave a lot of notice, took it off from work and he may have to work.

So, maybe make sure you can give time if it is desired.

Maybe something from the heart with no strings just to make him feel better. Like a backrub, foot massage, just an act of love.

I am only guessing as this is new to me. I am dreading these days ahead.

Hope there are lots of replies and my wh reads them!

MCJLM posted 8/18/2013 11:01 AM

Thanks for the advice. We have tried to make a plan at times and that has worked sometimes. My spouse says it is difficult to do that, though, because he just doesnt know how he will be feeling at any given moment. And we also seem to get blindsided quite a bit by situations we cant even foresee. And he is not ready to replace these anti-versaries and DDays with better memories. I think the first time through, he is just trying to survive these horrible days, weeks, and months. We will be through these days starting in October. And I guess survive to him right now means to go through this alone. So I am respecting his wishes, as today is an anti-versary day (thanks for the clarification BaxtersBFF)and he just wants to be alone. Broevil, it sounds like you have a great support system around you. We started out with that, but it has since dwindled. I really only talk to my thaerapist or my spouse anymore and I think he is in a similar situation. My spouse is on this website, too. In fact, he is the one that introduced it to me. I most recently started posting and can already tell that this will be a really good thing for me. I guess all in all, I really did a number to my spouse and our marriage. Thanks again for the feedback.

Twentyplus posted 8/18/2013 15:54 PM

BS here. This month contains several antiversary days, two of them biggies. I requested in advance, and have reupped again on the day of, my needed for specific apologies that demonstrate his understanding of the nature of the betrayal and expression of true empathy. I can't say those words exactly rolled off his lips at appropriate moments, but I believe he did his best. That's progress.

You can try that. Offer that. Look into his eyes and do your best.

We are on our second year of the date trigger cycles and I am hugely better this year than the first time around the calendar. There is hope, I believe for climbing this mountain.

MCJLM posted 8/18/2013 16:44 PM

Thank you Twentyplus. I am going to do this, but may have to write it. My BS wants his space today. I was such a monster last year at this time that I can only imagine how He may not see any other person than that one from last year right now.

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