As to your situation...why are there more d-days coming. Can't you get it all out at once and end the misery? Or is the d-day just the fact that you will be seeing the OM this week?
Whatever the case, follow your BH's lead. If he doesn't want you around during triggers, then give him space. If he suddenly changes his mind and does want you around afterall, then be there for him with no questions asked, or no mention of the potential confusion you might feel in trying to figure out how to help him.
Even if you can't find a job in your industry, there are probably things you can do to let him know that you are looking, or that you are keeping your eyes open for new job opportunities. That might give him some comfort that you are committed to changing things for the better.
We are in a 12 step fellowship and we went away to a convention. We were away from the kids in case it went south, and we were surrounded by people who would be able to support us through any trouble we had. This was the antiversary of when the OM and I were physical.
For the dday antiversary, a week later on Black Friday, we went to family that we had never spent Turkey day with. On Black Friday we went to an all day 12 step event. Once again the kids were taken care of in case we had a rough day.
We did something new and super fun for our DS 3's bday.
What wound up happening is that we created new memories that were so awesome that they will become traditions.
We put a lot of work and planning into this, and it paid off.
Today, he told me that I just make it worse when I'm around
Yeah, One of the hardest things I heard is that I was my Bs's biggest trigger. How was I supposed to help him deal with THAT??
I worked, and am still working, on myself. Hard. Reading, doing stepwork. We read together, I go to IC.
We have a network of people that know what is going on to reach out to. Posting here has been a lifesaver for the both of us.
Is your BS on this site? It has been immeasurably helpful to both of us.
"Your secrets keep you sick"
Like broevil says, having a plan can really help. In a way, I see the having a plan option as maybe taking some of the uncertainty out of what will happen. If you put in time on the plan together, you are working on your M together. If you have the plan, then you already know what you will do. It takes the guess work out of things. And, it might even take some of the emotion out of things (for some people maybe...) so that your BH doesn't have to fear what will happen if you guys are out and about if/when he triggers.
As stated above, your role would be to do what he needs you to do. Say the right words. Or don't say anything at all. Find new ways to say sorry.
Is there a possibility of taking back some of these trigger events? Was their a hotel or other place where you and the OM met that you and your BH could make your own? A lot of folks here have taken things back from the A or have created new memories on those dates. It really depends on what your BH wants, IMO.
MCJLM, In future, you just have to make sure to uncheck the box for the Stop Sign just before you hit submit.
Our 11th wedding anniversary is Wednesday, Aug 21 and the start date of his a was Aug 23, 2012.
I am so afraid. I have been feeling so much worse the last couple of weeks.
For me a heartfelt apology would mean a lot. Not just I am sorry but why and specifically what for. In our case there is a lot and would take up a lot of time.
I wish that I could be sure that we could spend the day together but that is not clear yet. I am disappointed because I gave a lot of notice, took it off from work and he may have to work.
So, maybe make sure you can give time if it is desired.
Maybe something from the heart with no strings just to make him feel better. Like a backrub, foot massage, just an act of love.
I am only guessing as this is new to me. I am dreading these days ahead.
Hope there are lots of replies and my wh reads them!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie
You can try that. Offer that. Look into his eyes and do your best.
We are on our second year of the date trigger cycles and I am hugely better this year than the first time around the calendar. There is hope, I believe for climbing this mountain.