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hurtininHouston posted 8/17/2013 22:16 PM

I am tring to R but i cant get what "all" she did out of my head. I feel lije i am caving if i give in. I live her & she us doung everything right. I am jyst angry. And i feel weak staying & trying. But is also my choice. I cant beleive she kissed someone else, held someone else, "played" w/ someone else, fucked someone else. She says it was bad, uncomfortable, ..... Bullshit!!!! Bullshit i say. I am so frighing angey. How do i accept what she did & move on???? Many of u men have! How???? Please help. I want to save tbis i think. ........
H

LosferWords posted 8/17/2013 23:14 PM

Hey hurtininHouston - I hear you. Man, I really hate that word "chump". That's what I thought of myself, too. It took me a long time to get past that stage. What it really boils down to is that your wife made some really poor decisions that had nothing to do with you. You are not a chump.

What your wife is saying may not be totally off base. It very well may have been bad and uncomfortable. But she still did what she did. That's something she needs to work on, to figure out why she did this, even though it was bad and uncomfortable.

At the same time, your anger is 100% valid. No person in their right mind would go through being betrayed and not be angry about it.

Acceptance and moving on are two totally different things. "Moving on" is kind of like rugsweeping. Forget it and move on. That's not a healthy way to go about things. Nobody is expecting you to do that. That's unrealistic.

Acceptance on the other hand, is accepting the harsh facts for what they are. History can't be changed.

But at the same time, here you are in the reconciliation forum. I think you have a huge heart and a huge capacity for forgiveness, just for being here. The road to reconciliation is a long journey, but can be very rewarding at the same time.

Best of luck to you. I think you'll find a lot of support here.

Take care.

ccw82 posted 8/18/2013 11:52 AM

I agree with Losferwords; you can't just "move on" and forget about it. I explained this to my WH just this morning:

Our marriage was a piece of paper that YOU decided to crumple up and throw away (we are still working on WHY he did this). Now you're furiously digging in the trash to get it out, but even if you are able to salvage it, it's all crumpled and imperfect....and it always will be.

My heart aches today, though I am trying. I am right with you...how could he kiss someone else, hold someone else, "play" with someone else, have sex with someone else?

I asked him if it was worth it, to which he responded: NO. My answer is, ok...did you think it would be worth it before you did it then? He still said NO. Ok....so why did he do it if he didn't think it would be worth it? I, too, call bullshit. But that's something that *I* have to work on.

All I can say right now is to live for the good moments. Only YOU can decide whether you can forgive her. I told WH that I might be able to forgive, but I can never forget. Even though it's me that has to work on forgiving, it's up to him to make an effort and make me feel better during my down days. Case in point -- he saw I was upset and just brought me coffee. It's the little things.

sisoon posted 8/18/2013 12:14 PM

Feeling like a chump pretty much goes with R. It may be worse for men, but then again, it may not - a lot of women have expressed the same thoughts.

I got around it by reminding myself that I had limited options - R, D, or rugsweeping, and every choice ha negative aspects. I very consciously chose R, knowing and accepting R's negative consequences. The knowledge that R was and is my choice lets me essentially ignore the chump issue.

I didn't commit to R until I knew in my gut that I could live without my W. Doing so even had some advantages - but I chose R nevertheless. You can go through this sort of self-reflection any time - and if it leads you to change your mind, so be it. You're not locked in to R because you chose it earlier.

3 months out I was still overwhelmed by feelings of grief and anger. The feelings just continued to come in waves for months. If you want some help with your feelings, consider IC with the goal of getting help processing your feelings.

Beautifulmind posted 8/19/2013 12:58 PM

You're not a "Chump". Those are the people who just lie down and wait to die when they are wounded, no matter how significant the injury.

You have chosen to try to get up and rise to your feet. Sure, you may feel like you have no more strength to give after only getting to one knee. You may lose your balance and fall back to the ground after successfully standing for the first time. You may also get up for the first time and be inspired by your own strength and the power you feel from yourself will give you the courage to start taking steps. You may also find out that despite your best effort, your wounds are to severe and have no choice but to lay there.

No one can be sure of what the outcome will be. This isn't about the outcome.... It's about YOU and your effort to at least TRY.

And like LosferWords said:

But at the same time, here you are in the reconciliation forum. I think you have a huge heart and a huge capacity for forgiveness, just for being here.

That, my friend, tells me that you are trying to get up. And that makes you a "CHAMP"!

Keep up the good fight and good luck! You'll find out more about YOU than you ever have before. Let this knowledge guide YOU.

SoAngryAndHurt posted 8/19/2013 14:52 PM

I feel like a chump too. Like the jokes on me. I ask my WH all the same questions. How could you? Was it worth it. It's so hard to get through it. I commend all those that have. I wish I could be there too. Hang in there. They say there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope I make it there one day.

Take care and breathe.

libertyrocks posted 8/19/2013 14:59 PM

I think R is the hardest thing to do and all us "chumps" are the strongest creatures I now know. I can see why most people walk away. It's hard to R. I know. I still feel like a chump even though I'm a strong ass little lady.

I'm 4-8 months out, depending on Dday 1 or Dday 6. I got a 5 month TT package. NC since Dday 1, but it still hurt like hell finding out more along the ride of next 5 Ddays I so generously was given...

I'm totally just as pissed off as you are! I try to find something relaxing to do. I discovered I really like driving with the wind in my hair and some Led Zeppelin blasting on the radio. To each their own. It works for me...sipping on some coffee with the sun rising hearing all the big rigs on the freeway. Commuting to and from work is my home away from home or work, so I try to make the best of it...

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:00 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

LivingALie posted 8/19/2013 15:01 PM

I just had this same conversation with my H last week. I told him I feel like the biggest loser out there - I should have an L stamped on my forehead.

Who goes through 2 years of broken NC, lies upon lies - and still stays in the marriage?

He said "someone who is strong - you fought for our marriage"

I guess I did - but honestly, it doesn't make me feel any better.

Some days I'm angry at myself for agreeing to stay.

2married2quit posted 8/19/2013 15:03 PM

Dude, I felt the same way as well. I felt as though there had to be some justification for me a rewards or absolution. And I didn't even do anything! But I just felt demasculated and humiliated. But the more time passes, the more I realize she made a fool of herself. She humiliated herself and ruined her own reputation. Me forgiving her was more about accepting what happened as part of our history. That's a freak'n hard pill to swallow, but love is more than just butterflies, sex and living together. This is where the rubber hits the road. Sucks ass but it is what it is.

I want to save my marriage. I really do and hopefully I'll get passed these feelings with time and healing. Just don't do anything crazy. Channel your anger safely.

2married2quit posted 8/19/2013 15:04 PM

LivingALie - I know exactly how you feel. I feel like a freak'n LOOSER already and have been for a year. However, one day she will appreciate what I did. If not, I'm out.

hurtininHouston posted 8/20/2013 11:14 AM

I just got back to this post after a week. I greatly appreciate all the responses. Everyone is right in their own ideas And strategies. All of these posts helped me feel a little better. Thanks & everyone keep on keeping on!
H

Yakamishi posted 8/21/2013 05:36 AM

I am SO feelin this post.

2married2quit posted 8/21/2013 11:34 AM

(((Yakamishi)))

I feel ya man. I feel ya.