SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

AlwaysBeenStrong posted 8/17/2013 23:03 PM

Long story short, it has been almost a year and a half of lies of an affair with his boss. I just found out the actual truth 4 months ago. So I really haven't been able to heal from the very first initial shock and then to find out there was sexual relations. He wants his time apart to see what he wants. I cannot handle the emotional rollercoaster. The whole time he was lying, he was supposedly trying. Now he's gone and I feel like a fool for even thinking of R in the first place. Is there hope, or is this his way of having his cake and eat it too. I know he's going through a midlife crisis, he thinks I am full of it for even mentioning it. I am so lost and torn, I don't want to toss away 20 years with someone because he's going through a normal male stage. Am I making excuses for him? Really lost!

nowiknow23 posted 8/17/2013 23:09 PM

(((Hugs honey)))

I feel the need to say that even if this is a mid-life crisis, his behavior is NOT a normal male stage. None of it is normal, whether male or female.

With that said, you cannot control or predict what he is going to do, but you CAN take control of your life. When you take control and move your focus away from him and back on yourself, the rollercoaster WILL improve.

Big hugs. Hang in there.

AppleBlossom posted 8/17/2013 23:19 PM

You are not tossing anything away, but if anyone is, he is. Nobody is expected to put up with this and accept is a part of a marriage. I suspect that he knows what he thinks he wants, he is just taking a cowardly way out at the moment. Dont be his Option B or try ot work out all for yourself if there is hope.

This is not normal. Well, maybe feeling a bit out of sorts when you hit middle age is, fearing your mortality, wondering about the mistakes you have made in your life, and whether you made the right decisions with your life choices - that might be normal. What is not normal is choosing to have an affair with someone instead of working through it with the help of a the love and support of the woman you married.

Phoenix1 posted 8/17/2013 23:30 PM

NIK and Apple blossom said it well. Don't make excuses for his betrayal. Nothing justifies infidelity. I justified my POS's actions in the beginning as a mid-life crisis. It was easy and allowed me to continue life looking thru rose colored glasses. What it really did was give him a sense of entitlement and justification to allow him to continue the betrayal. It didn't cost him anything, so why not? If a mid life crisis were truly the cause then my POS has been going thru it for 20 years now. That is just any easy cop out excuse, which I eventually realized and said enough is enough. No one wants to see all those years thrown away, but you need to find the strength and courage to say it is NOT okay and you won't conveniently look the other way. It is MUCH harder than it sounds when you love someone and they have been such a big part of your life for so long.

AlwaysBeenStrong posted 8/17/2013 23:40 PM

How do you remain strong? I can't even look at him without tearing up, and trust me...it's the last thing I want to do. He doesn't deserve anymore of my tears. Unfortunately, because of finances, I cannot do IC yet.

nowiknow23 posted 8/17/2013 23:48 PM

Finding your anger helps. It will come to you - that righteous fury at the hell he has unleashed in your life.

When it comes, harness and ride it. It is powerful and empowering stuff.

Until then, focus on not giving him the satisfaction of seeing you sweat. Fuck. That. Guy.

((((hugs))))

Phoenix1 posted 8/17/2013 23:50 PM

In previous DDays I couldn't face him either without tearing up. It hurt so bad because I loved him so much, but eventually you will find your inner bitch and decide you deserve respect and loyalty that he is not giving you. Then you channel that anger into action to protect yourself. HE is not going to look out for your best interest, which he has proven, so you have to look out for yourself. In protecting yourself you are also showing him that actions really DO have consequences. You will find that you are much stronger than you ever realized, but those first few steps on that path may seem terrifying. You CAN do it!

AlwaysBeenStrong posted 8/18/2013 08:46 AM

Thank you everyone!

crazynot posted 8/18/2013 08:52 AM

Don't make any more excuses for him. Mid-life crisis my ass. This is too often used as an excuse for being a total bastard.

dmari posted 8/18/2013 11:45 AM

You ARE NOT a fool ~ you are an authentic, compassionate woman. His actions are a reflection of HIM, not you. I was told by my stbx's therapist (who's an incompetent quack if you ask me) that stbx was going through a mid life crisis. I just stared at him until he stammered "...but that doesn't excuse his behavior." Do not make excuses for his behaviors. Now is the time to focus on healing YOU, rebuilding YOUR life. Feel the emotions. You will come out much much stronger but you have to do the work. Continue to read and post often. I just had my 20th anniversary (by myself) and I surely didn't want to toss the past away either but he already did that for us.

Kajem posted 8/18/2013 11:48 AM

We ALL have transitions in our life. Baby -toddler, toddler-child, child-teen, teen-young adult, mid life adult, elder adult .

Midlife is a time for evaluation, tweaking dreams, empty nests, and coping with realizing you'ved got limited time left. It isn't a pass to cheat-that is his decision to do. Don't let him hand you any responsibility for his decision to cheat.

Hugs,
K

Dreamboat posted 8/18/2013 13:04 PM

(((hugs)))

I know what he wants. He wants to have you and have his whore. He wants life to go back to the time before you knew. Not that you know about his betrayal, you have made his life "hard". So he wants time away because it will be easier on him, and in the mean time he will try to figure out how to keep you both. BTDT. Mid-life crisis, my ass.

He already tainted and threw away 20 years with you. It will never ever be the same, even if you do R. But to R you need a remorseful WS, not a coward who is looking for an easy way out. NIK is right, the anger will come soon and when it does you need to harness it. It will allow you to put your bitch boots on and allow you to be completely firm with WS WRT your boundaries. He wants you? Then he damn sure needs to win you back now. And that starts with quitting his job and going completely NC with his whore. That is step one. If he is not willing to do that then you have already lost him. Or I should say, he has lost you.

You deserve to be respected and him having an A with his freakin boss is a huge disrespect to you. Him lying to you before dday was a huge disrespect to you. Him continuing to lie after dday when you gave him the gift of R is really the ultimate disrespect. You deserve so much better than that.

If you think you might need anti depressants or anti anxiety to get thru this time, then go see your family Dr. He or she can prescribe something for you if you feel you need it. I know I did! There were a few years where I took a xanax if I needed to see or talk to X. It was the only way I felt confident that I could control my emotions.

You will get thru this. It will not be easy or pretty, but it is doable. You are stronger than you realize, trust me.

womaninflux posted 8/18/2013 13:51 PM

I just read about a U of Az study that was done on Sex Addicts and their partners. The choice was to nurture or to be negative and punishing. Usually the SAs responded better to the spouses/partners who insisted on separation (either in house or out of house), took off their wedding rings, gave them a lot of space, threatening to leave relationship, did not cater to them at all, etc. Bottom line, nurturing the SA has negative results, while being negative an punishing yields a more desired result.

This is somewhat like the 180 that is always discussed here. I can't imagine that this is not similar for non-SA situations as well. Don't make threats you are unwilling to follow through on. He wants his space, let him have it. You can't control his behavior. Best case scenario - he returns and you guys work on R. Worst case scenario, the separation expedites the dissolution of the marriage. If the marriage can't be saved, you'll know it sooner rather than later. I say this, in the end, is a good thing. Good luck! Stay strong. You do sound incredibly strong.