How do you learn to handle when the ex is nice to you? My ex is a classic NPD, the hiding and manipulating to keep the fact he is gay took huge amounts of mental shenanigans for years on his part. I was just the pawn.
But, way back when...one of the main reasons I was attracted to him was that he was simply...nice. I used to call him a "boy scout", helped little old ladies across the road, sang in the church choir, always surprising me out of the blue with...gifts, trips, flowers. His "kindness" drew me to him.
Now, I look back and see it was manipulation. He wanted me to see him a certain way, never allowing me to see the "real him".
He has down some really stupid things over the years. He has earned the nickname "That Ducker" for a reason among my friends. I still have friends who cannot look at ex.
I've applied to graduate school, and still waiting to see if I am accepted for fall. It will be a 2 year program with no flexibility to end earlier, and graduation date coincides with the end of my full spousal support. I will need to continue simultaneously earning my AS degree as I am completely switching fields. If I am accepted, it is going to be a killer 2 years, but I will end up with a MS from a great school and be very marketable, hopefully making a very decent salary.
When he picked up the kids, he asked if I had heard if I had been accepted yet, I replied no. He asked if I would go for Spring enrollment...(the issue is I applied late...) and I simply said, "No, that won't give me the time to complete the program and still have full support."
4 days later...he send me an email that he will extend my full support one more year so I can attend graduate school "without pressure". No strings attached.
It honestly has me caught off guard. I'm turning it over in my head.
I am so used to people, especially men (no offense to SI guys...) disappointing me, that is almost the norm. But, when someone, especially him, goes out of their way to be nice to me? Unexpected.
I simply replied, "Thank you. We will need to amend the PSA." and didn't say anything else. He replied, "OK".
He did tell me last Christmas that he thinks I will never see him any other way except as "the bad guy".
How else am I supposed to see him? I recognize that in the future he may bargain me for something...but he can't. We will file for D soon, everything is set. No more bargaining points left.
So, when it appears to be a gift...something truly just...nice (albeit probably driven from guilt)...how do you handle this internally?
How do you reconcile the asshole with a nice gesture? At some point do you not look at them through the lens of pain and disappointment? Do they simply become fallible people that you once knew?