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one of my closest friends told me that after her H cheated on her she wanted to leave..for months after. But she felt that if she left he may go back to the OW so she stayed, stayed so the OW wouldn't "win" and get her H. And now (he cheated on her 5 years ago) she realized that was the only reason she stayed and wants me to think long and hard before making any decisions (I told her this is where or MC and IC will come in) I better be sure that I want to be married and not stay with my H because I didn't want him to go back to the OW. I don't believe this is what I'm doing, but, it made me wonder...is this a common feeling? Do some BH/BW stay so the other OW/OM won't "win"?

I could see that.

For OW#1, I think that was part of it, I wasn't going to "lose" him to anybody. Plus, OW#1 didn't know about me, and when she found out, she dropped him.

Looking back, I should have left then, but with OW#2, I was like "she can have him".

I can say after DD#1, that was one of the main reasons I stayed with WS. I knew she was a selfish, narcissistic gold digging whore. I wasn't about to go through a divorce, lose my house, our retirement, everything we accumulated so she could get her grubby hands on it for a while, put him in debt (her and her spouse were in massive amounts of credit card and loan debt); just so he could leave her and come back to me.

After DD#2, though, I was like HAVE HIM! I DON'T WANT HIM! I wasn't winning any damn prize keeping him around at that point and yes, I was willing to lose everything monetarily to get him out of my house and my life.

Yep. I even strung him along after I divorced him until she had enough of his shit. She eventually went back to her exH, and I walked away from him.

At some point, it doesn't matter any more- I don't care who he's fucking.

Think about what you are "winning".

In my case, she is welcome to his sorry broken ass. If she thinks she is "winning" him, all I can do is laugh!! Reality is, she wins a man who cheated on his wife, destroyed his relationships with his daughters, will always be a narcissistic victim, and is beyond selfish.

Where's the prize in that???

I also did not want OW to win. But the bitch would not go away and X and his family (yes, his family helped) did not want her to go away. I D because I would not be in a M with 3 people. So I guess OW won.

Now let's look at her "prize". X is a broken man who wears his guilt like a cross. He feels guilty because he literally abandoned DD but does nothing to resolve the issue because it is too hard. He is chronically unemployed and mooches on whoever will allow it -- currently that is OW but in the past it has been me, his parents, his sister, and his friends. We all had enough so the only one left is OW. Last I heard they fight constantly. He is in poor health and uses that as an excuse not to get a job. And his dick does not work. Oh boy, did she pick a winner or what?

That was me. I stayed and "fought" for my marriage; my family. She wasnt going to take this from me

What happened? Well, she knocked herself out giving him oil massages, candal lit baths together (I saw the photo), bent over backwards to please him. Satisfied his SA thirst by sending him porno videos and photos of herself. He strung her along to keep his fantasy. It was this craving fantasy that proved my fight for family and marriage worthless. I cant fight for a lost cause. I cant control anyone else but myself. Most importantly is the neighborhood philosophy where I grew up: Why fight for someone who blatantly disrespected me, our marriage and family.

There are more reasons that I personally have that proves fighting was futile: verbal and mental abuse, no support, his marrying me bv he was afraid of being deported (I was foolish not to see that in the beginning).

I wrote about this very thing shortly after Dday. Long story short; we were fighting, separating, probably never would have left if not for the fact that he stumbled into OW. We met to discuss terms of divorce. He broke down, said he was done with OW either way, not sure I believe that's true. I think I definetly took him back and stayed just so she coy,don't have him. Since everyone knew he was with her I wanted everyone to know he tossed her as well. Almost three years later and I still pray if we spilt up they wouldn't get together. He swears he's disgusted by her, she is extremely angry. I still believe if I dumped him they may end up together.

That is exactly why I stayed in the beginning. I knew if I kicked him out he would go straight to her and he would tell her some bs story that he left me for her, and I wasn't going to let her think that for one sec. When I talked to her she tried to tell me that they had something special that I didn't understand, so I made sure she understood exactly what they had...nothing!

I think this is probably common thinking. I know it has crossed my mind more than once. But the alternative is probably more accurate. It isn't so much about not wanting OW to win but not wanting to lose. Lose your husband, lose your family, lose the life you know. That isn't to say the decision is right for everyone but it is all part of the R or D decision.

I feel just the opposite. He stayed and I lost. She can start over with someone who isn't a cheater.

The second time around I actually looked her right in the eye and said "You can HAVE him! He's not the man I married! I deserve so much more than this coward. This coward? THIS is what YOU deserve!" and I walked out of her house.

WS said that was the first moment that really started lifting the fog for him. He needed to be thrown out before he really knew what he was missing.

I think that was a huge factor in my wanting to R.

But trust me, there was no misconception that he was some type of "prize". I knew I deserved someone who was going to treat me better. But OW BELIEVED he was a prize, and that she was too, since she got a man to leave a 10+ year relationship for her in a matter of months.

While I know she didn't "win", in a way, I still feel like she did because she believes she did...

That was me, too, but all it did was prolong things like purgatory or limbo and it made more pain for me. My excuse is that his lies and tt created a giant fog for me, so that I kind of lost reality for a time, which was his goal.

ETA that yes, like the other posts say, this OW, too, tried to tell me that what he had with me was awful and I couldn't understand what "they" had"...what they have is zero standards or morals and souls they sold away. That SHE could make him feel special and he didn't have that here -yet he did-They try to make it like I'm the naïve one and I simply won't play the game.

When I started to come out of it-maybe six months after being abandoned-things I realized about the new life he made for me shocked and disgusted me. He was basically saying that he was fine with the things he had done and fine leaving me in the dust, without tying lose ends-divorce.

It took time to realize that I was married to a ghost, to dead dreams, a shell of a house and a hole in my life.

OW had already "won", because he wasn't here. I eventually felt like the loser and though did not want divorce and the change it brings, I also wanted to be considered a fool no more.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 3:53 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]

This is exactly me.

For me, the bimbo didn't have anything to do with my not wanting to stay married to a liar, a cheater, a man who valued a stooooopid horse-face, cheating MOW more than he valued his wife and daughters. He is a broken, fantasy-filled idiot. The reality is I could no longer respect myself for living with a man who would hurt his wife and daughters over and over again. I could no longer live with him and his baggage (which continued to add up and pile high) and live with myself at the same time.

Yes, sort of this is why I stayed.

MOW is an alcoholic who binges to blackout and or hugging the toilet half the night. She does not care for, nor have children. She encouraged my WH to drink himself into a stupor and told him it was "cool" to party.

I did not want this person in my children's lives. I did not want this person influencing my WH's behavior.

I didn't want my WH either, but when he begged to stay, I let him.

Initially I figured I would let him stay long enough to get the MOW out of his life and him sober and back on his mood stablizing medications.

Eventually, I was open to R, but WH took too long to realize what of his pre-A, A and after-A behavior was actually abuse and stop doing it.

WH has put in a monumental effort to change himself. He has the primary behaviors down. I don't know if the secondary behaviors ever can change completely.

Once we get some financial ducks in a row, I am pretty certain I will leave.

Meanwhile, I am focused on me: healing me (20+years of emotional abuse), finding my happy spot again and planning what I want my life to look like. He can come along for the ride if he behaves.

I have to say, right after DD1, not wanting her to win was one of my many reasons to stay. I should have let her win the prize, cuz its not so shiny anymore. Actually I confess, it was a big factor in me staying.

I can understand it, but never personally felt I was directly competing with her. It was more of trying to convince WH that she is worthless and not even caring so much if he chose to be alone rather than choose either of us.

The way I feel now is "you win, OW! He's all yours!"