working towards D...I can't pretend anymore
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
For OW#1, I think that was part of it, I wasn't going to "lose" him to anybody. Plus, OW#1 didn't know about me, and when she found out, she dropped him.
Looking back, I should have left then, but with OW#2, I was like "she can have him".
After DD#2, though, I was like HAVE HIM! I DON'T WANT HIM! I wasn't winning any damn prize keeping him around at that point and yes, I was willing to lose everything monetarily to get him out of my house and my life.
At some point, it doesn't matter any more- I don't care who he's fucking.
In my case, she is welcome to his sorry broken ass. If she thinks she is "winning" him, all I can do is laugh!! Reality is, she wins a man who cheated on his wife, destroyed his relationships with his daughters, will always be a narcissistic victim, and is beyond selfish.
Where's the prize in that???
It's OKAY to be scared.
Being scared means you're about
to do something really, really brave.
Now let's look at her "prize". X is a broken man who wears his guilt like a cross. He feels guilty because he literally abandoned DD but does nothing to resolve the issue because it is too hard. He is chronically unemployed and mooches on whoever will allow it -- currently that is OW but in the past it has been me, his parents, his sister, and his friends. We all had enough so the only one left is OW. Last I heard they fight constantly. He is in poor health and uses that as an excuse not to get a job. And his dick does not work. Oh boy, did she pick a winner or what?
What happened? Well, she knocked herself out giving him oil massages, candal lit baths together (I saw the photo), bent over backwards to please him. Satisfied his SA thirst by sending him porno videos and photos of herself. He strung her along to keep his fantasy. It was this craving fantasy that proved my fight for family and marriage worthless. I cant fight for a lost cause. I cant control anyone else but myself. Most importantly is the neighborhood philosophy where I grew up: Why fight for someone who blatantly disrespected me, our marriage and family.
There are more reasons that I personally have that proves fighting was futile: verbal and mental abuse, no support, his marrying me bv he was afraid of being deported (I was foolish not to see that in the beginning).
This was me. Although I had the desire to throw fWS to the bitch the fact OW was CRAZY and needy and supporting FOUR family members made me think twice. I didn't want fWS to drown in this woman's financial emotional pit. Although fWS certainly deserved to. I told fWS that if she left me for OW I was going to hire a detective NOT to try and win fWS back but so fWS would be aware of the hot mess she was stepping into.
[This message edited by purplejacket4 at 11:05 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]
"For a minute there I lost myself"
WS said that was the first moment that really started lifting the fog for him. He needed to be thrown out before he really knew what he was missing.
But trust me, there was no misconception that he was some type of "prize". I knew I deserved someone who was going to treat me better. But OW BELIEVED he was a prize, and that she was too, since she got a man to leave a 10+ year relationship for her in a matter of months.
While I know she didn't "win", in a way, I still feel like she did because she believes she did...
And suddenly I see, what I lost ain't no loss.
-Richie Kotzen, "What I Lost"
ETA that yes, like the other posts say, this OW, too, tried to tell me that what he had with me was awful and I couldn't understand what "they" had"...what they have is zero standards or morals and souls they sold away. That SHE could make him feel special and he didn't have that here -yet he did-They try to make it like I'm the na´ve one and I simply won't play the game.
When I started to come out of it-maybe six months after being abandoned-things I realized about the new life he made for me shocked and disgusted me. He was basically saying that he was fine with the things he had done and fine leaving me in the dust, without tying lose ends-divorce.
It took time to realize that I was married to a ghost, to dead dreams, a shell of a house and a hole in my life.
OW had already "won", because he wasn't here. I eventually felt like the loser and though did not want divorce and the change it brings, I also wanted to be considered a fool no more.
[This message edited by Ashland13 at 3:53 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
Together 6 years.
Ow: 18 at the time. Our son's "God sister"
Doomsday: November 2nd 2012. A couple of days before our sons birthday
MOW is an alcoholic who binges to blackout and or hugging the toilet half the night. She does not care for, nor have children. She encouraged my WH to drink himself into a stupor and told him it was "cool" to party.
I did not want this person in my children's lives. I did not want this person influencing my WH's behavior.
I didn't want my WH either, but when he begged to stay, I let him.
Initially I figured I would let him stay long enough to get the MOW out of his life and him sober and back on his mood stablizing medications.
Eventually, I was open to R, but WH took too long to realize what of his pre-A, A and after-A behavior was actually abuse and stop doing it.
WH has put in a monumental effort to change himself. He has the primary behaviors down. I don't know if the secondary behaviors ever can change completely.
Once we get some financial ducks in a row, I am pretty certain I will leave.
Meanwhile, I am focused on me: healing me (20+years of emotional abuse), finding my happy spot again and planning what I want my life to look like. He can come along for the ride if he behaves.
The way I feel now is "you win, OW! He's all yours!"