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LifeJourney posted 8/18/2013 08:42 AM

So great to find this online support system!
I'm not familar with all of the terms or abbreviations yet so forgive me in advance. WH and I have been in counseling for 3 months after I found out about an affair that ended last year. I thought we were making slow progress until this weekend when I found out he is another relationship that began before we started MC. He has been deceitful during the last 3 months of counseling and this time the A is emotional and sexual whereas last time it was only sexual. He called the OW with me present and ended it (supposedly) so now my question is this: He is obviously going to grieve the loss of this relationship. How do I respond to that? If we do work on reconciliation how does his grief over that loss facor in?
Also I will take any advice on how to stay focused at work. I have a great executive level, high visibility position but my work performance has greatly suffered due to my distraction.
thank you in advance!

TrustedHer posted 8/18/2013 10:41 AM

(((LifeJourney))) <--- those are hugs.


I have no advice, but I want you to know you are being heard, and to bump this to the top so someone with advice may make comments.

brokensmile322 posted 8/18/2013 10:52 AM

Life Journey, welcome. I am sorry you are here.


First things first....do not jump into anything, agree to anything or make demands....yet.

Your WH has been deceiving you, yet again while you were in MC.


There is a good chance he could take his A underground now. Stop telling him what you know and how.

Breathe....you are in a reactionary state right now. Wanting to fix it, get on with it, etc...

You need to sort through what you really need to reconcile with him. What conditions you would need him to meet. What the consequences of not meeting those conditions will be as well. You have to be willing to stick with whatever you decide. You have to know which ones are deal breakers as well- meaning if he does not comply, it is over and done.

^^If you state any of the above and you do not follow through with what you say, you lose credibility. You absolutely have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to be able to save it.

You cannot jump into a plan of action willy nilly. You have to be thought out, have a plan, communicate it rationally and be willing to back up what you say with actions.

In the yellow box in the top left, there is the healing library. I suggest you click on it and start reading, especially in the the BS (betrayed spouse) frequently asked questions.

Keep posting. We are all here for you. Take care of you. Eat drink sleep.

LifeJourney posted 8/18/2013 15:49 PM

Brokensmile - thank you for such great needed advice. I needed to hear all of it. So kind of you to take the time to respond.

TrustedHer - appreciate the support very much.

Skan posted 8/18/2013 16:01 PM

Hey there. Just a quick thought, but it's not your job to help him "heal" from his infidelity and lying. He can haul his butt to his IC and cry on his shoulders, and figure out why he is such a broken person. The only person here who should be extended great amounts of care and concern over this A is you.

And unfortunately, since you've been through this once before, you do know that you guys need to go through yet another round of STD/HIV testing. (((hugs)))

LifeJourney posted 8/19/2013 06:11 AM

Thank you, Skan!
Some great things to think about.
It's not that I feel the need to help him heal ... it's the pain it causes ME to watch him grieve the loss of that relationship. As we all know, he was giving her everything he should have been giving me - that I was begging him to give me. So now to watch him grieve that loss is incredibly painful. Does that make sense?

KVille posted 8/19/2013 06:32 AM

Sorry for your pain. I understand what you are saying. It hurts to think he cared that much about another person.
Take care of your self. Only he can fix himself.

brokensmile322 posted 8/19/2013 11:53 AM

Life Journey,

Of course watching him grieve that loss will be painful. Of course it hurts that you were asking for something that he was denying you, but giving to her.

If you read in the WS frequently asked questions, there is some reference to this as well.

The first thing you need is transparency. Is he being transparent with his phone, his money, banking, credit cards, email addresses, both personal and business...?

If he is like most here, he may slip with NC. He may not really be NC. That is why you need to get your ducks in a row. Do not believe everything he says. CHeaters lie.

Turn off the sound of his voice and what he says. Watch his actions. You will find truth in his actions.

As far as work, get your self to your doctor. Tell him/her what is happening. Not only do you need to be tested, they can help with any meds that might take the edge off, sleeping and/or eating etc...

It feels awful right now, but I promise, it does dull. You can make it through this. You will be ok, with or without him.

LifeJourney posted 8/20/2013 23:51 PM

Thank you, Broken Smile ... I really needed to hear your advice. I've re-read your message several times and trying to let it sink in.
Can't thank you enough for taking the time to write.

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