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1Week since DDay & Still Can't Breathe

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FoggedIn posted 8/18/2013 10:36 AM

It's been a week since I found out (8/10/13). Actually happened on 8/8/13.

So much has happened since then. I've clearly made so many mistakes in what should've been the correct way to handle things along the way! I have no idea what I'm feeling or why!

Short story: WS had ONS with a CL prostitute. 'Swears' he didn't have intercourse with her, but did plenty of other things he admitted to. He wants to R and is all but begging to make our marriage work. Says he is looking forward to MC and will gladly go to IC. Willing to do anything to repair what he did. Very remorseful. He has lied in the process and it's taken a fair amount of work to get the 'truth'(whatever that is) to trickle out.
I'm not sure if I believe this is the only time this has happened, or if in fact they did not actually have sex.
I was stupid enough to have, what I now understand is 'hysterical bonding' sex with him 2 days ago. And I am now having some odd 'symptoms'. I am more than disgusted with myself for allowing it to happen. I'm unclear how I could allow myself to do it. If I needed some sort of validation that he still wanted me, if I needed to prove to him that I was all he really needed, if.......oh hell I don't know!

I scheduled STD testing with my ob, but the earliest I can get in is like 3 weeks. I may go to a clinic or something similar next week. I will go insane waiting 3 weeks, although I would feel much more comfortable with my OB, and it will be far more humiliating sitting in a state clinic with a room full of 17 year olds. I guess if it helps me sleep at night, so be it!

Has anyone had their WS undergo a polygraph? If so, how & where does that happen?

BlueDandelion posted 8/18/2013 11:17 AM

I'm here for a second time, so not sure if I'm one much for advice. Still. Your situation is similar to mine, from 5 years ago. My WH had a ONS with someone he met online. I also had "hysterical bonding" sex with him after and there were a lot of tears. I was also tested, all negative. (Unfortunately, none of this stopped him from doing it again and then developing an EA with an ex...) BUT, my point is, YOU did nothing wrong. You said you felt disgusted with yourself and that you were being stupid-- I would argue that you weren't. I believe you were doing what you needed to do to get through the moment, and good heavens, ANYTHING that gets you through the moment with your insanity intact is okay. Don't blame yourself for anything. No regrets. You did what you had to do and that's okay. I can also tell you that while I'm still reeling from the EA (which I thought was over and just found out it wasn't), I have long since come to terms with the ONS. The emotional pain gets easier to bear. Hang in there. Hugs.

Blue Dandelion
BS: 48
WH: 45
Married 23 years, 5 kids all at home
D-Day June 28, 2013
Trying to R. Not sure I want go.

FoggedIn posted 8/18/2013 11:27 AM

(((Blue Dandelion)))

Thanks for your response!
It's just so difficult to understand all that's going in inside and outside of my head right now. I just want to be able to understand it and I don't. Makes Me CRAZY!

Normamichelle82 posted 8/18/2013 19:07 PM

I found out my husband cheated with a "friend" and in the process of hating/wanting to hurt him i had regrettable sex with him 3 days after (found out 8/8/13... actually happened around 7/14) .. all I can say is please don't blame yourself!! YOU DID NOTHING!! we cope with maladaptive feelings as best we can & take it one day at a time.. he is begging to work it out but I go back & forth daily... it's hard but don't blame yourself.. there's no guide book for getting through this.. good luck!!

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/19/2013 11:29 AM

Ugh, I'm sorry to hear of your misfortune, FoggedIn.

I'm really hoping that these symptoms you're feeling are just a product of your over-stressed mind and emotions, and nothing physical. I could just smack these guys upside the head when they think with their d*cks and drag home their diseases to innocent spouses. There's a special Hell for men like that.

First and foremost, cheaters lie. They lie, lie, lie and deny, deny, deny. So the chances are extremely high that you haven't been given the truth - about any of his past transgressions or what may have really happened with this latest Craigslist whore. Ugh.

I would ABSOLUTELY require a poly from him as part of a possible reconciliation attempt. I read a lot here about women who have scheduled their husbands for a test and some have refused to go, some have claimed they feared a "false positive" or that poly's "aren't an exact science," and blah blah blah.

But the way I see it is how it affects them psychologically. Knowing they'll be tied to a machine and every move they make and every breath they take being monitored is pretty damned intimidating - regardless of how savvy a liar they think they are. THAT'S the advantage to scheduling a poly - bringing them down a few pegs and humbling their lying asses down to where you just might get some truth out of them.

I've read past stories here where the husbands (or wives) have done an internet search for "how to pass a poly test" so don't be surprised if you see THAT somewhere in your home computer's history (if he doesn't have a computer at work or cell phone he can search on without you knowing, that is).

Lastly, just KNOWING they're going and will possibly be exposed for lying in front of a stranger and then you being told about it is humiliating and demoralizing, and a lot of them will give you what's called the 'parking lot confession.' That usually occurs the day of the testing - on the way out to the car to leave for the poly (or in the poly parking lot itself), they'll suddenly break down and confess to something they hadn't admitted before. Some of them are devious enough JUST to give you a tidbit of truth that you didn't know, in the hopes that you'll cancel the test thinking you've finally gotten it all.

Chances are extremely high that you STILL haven't gotten the whole truth. A smart BS will appreciate that little parking lot confession 'tidbit' they squeezed out of their cheating spouse but STILL go ahead with the test.

There's always more. Always. It's very, very rare to get 100% of the truth.

I highly advise you go forward with this as quickly as possible because if he starts believing his own lies (and some of the actually DO start believing their own crap), then they won't show as deception on a poly test because he'll believe he's telling the truth. Ugh.

Google "polygraph testers + your city" and start looking at what's available. I think the median cost for one is around $500.

Good luck to you FoggedIn.

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