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byod02 posted 8/18/2013 11:57 AM

It seems like every single story I can find...the cheater comes back looking for forgiveness and wants to work on the marriage...and the betrayed spouse has some say in the matter. Not only has my husband cheated, he absolutely refuses to work on the marriage and it's killing me. Salt in my wounds.

After 4 months of having me on an emotional roller coaster of "he doesn't think he wants to be married but doesn't know why" but calling daily (he moved out in April and filed for a divorce immediately) and saying he loves me, he has hope we can fix this, he couldn't have asked for a better wife, saying he's in no hurry to finalize the divorce, scheduling a therapy appointment for us, etc... And just stringing me along in every way possible...

I confirmed on July 23 that he has been having an affair since approximately November 2012 with a 28 year old friend of a co-worker. Of course I'll never know exactly when it began...but it was obviously a big reason he didn't want to be married. She is still very much in the picture.

The day I found out about the affair he turned on me, instantly. He is done with the marriage, feels nothing, does not want to work on it, there's no hope, we would be wasting our time in therapy, etc...

A total 180.

And I'm devastated. I would absolutely still be willing to work on the marriage but he is not willing to end things with her and says even if he did he doesn't want to come home, he's moved on and we are done.

Until we're not. Sometimes he still says "it's not over 'til it's over", "I'm confused and don't know what I want", "maybe we'll remarry in a few years"!!, etc...

So I guess all those months of stringing me along were just cake eating? And maybe still are since he's still doing it on some level.

He may say he's confused and doesn't know what he wants but his actions say otherwise. He has moved out of the house, has a girlfriend and has filed for a divorce. He knows what he wants!

It's like he's giving me just enough hope to keep me hanging on , Plan B.

It was a very classic cheater's script, as my therapist says. We have been married 11 years, I thought things were good to great, certainly not bad or horrible or worth ending. Even in hindsight. As soon as I found out he started with the very cliché, "I did it because I haven't been happy in years" business that I've learned is very common.

Of course he never said anything about being unhappy, ever. And I even asked him months ago if he was happy at home (because he had been "working" a lot and not coming home much) and he LAUGHED! He LAUGHED when I asked if he was unhappy like it was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard.

So obviously I call BS that he did this because he was unhappy. And even if he was, obviously he should have addressed that with me before turning to someone else.

So. Now I have to deal with being dumped and replaced. And it hurts. We have 3 young kids. I hate that they are going to have to go through a divorce and grow up without their father (his time with his kids since starting this affair has been sporadic, at best, even before he moved out) being a daily presence in their life. I hate this for me. We've been together since I was 18. I never in a million years imagined this would happen to us.

I just don't know where to turn. Everyone in my life says to get over him, he's a jerk. I wish I could convince myself of that. But then again, I'm 3 weeks out from discovering the man I've loved for 16 years has been lying through his teeth and sleeping with someone else for 8+'s going to take longer than that. I just don't know how to get there.

painpaingoaway posted 8/18/2013 12:06 PM

I'm so sorry byod02. He is keeping you on the hook in case things don't work out with the little whore.

Read up on the 180, and implement it immediately. If there is any chance of future R, it will only surface if you move on, and he sees you moving on.

Personally, I would not take his calls, nor speak to him about anything other than financial matters, or issues about the kids.

Stay strong sweetie.

movingforward777 posted 8/18/2013 12:09 PM

Welcome to SI...the place no one wants to be but are very glad they found....
I was in the same situation as H was convinced he was "in love" with a woman he met on line through a games room....he would stay up late on line with her, graduated to phone calls/letters, and shortly after I discovered what was going on and confronted him, moved out of our home.
He never agreed to "work on the marriage", never suggested moving back in with the kids and I, and very soon drove to the southern States to meet this woman and spend a week with her. At first he lied about where he was going, but once I called him on it admitted he was going there.
I was absoluetly devasted! We had been married 18 yrs, together 20 yrs, had a home, two wonderful kids, and were the couple everyone "wanted to be".
I would suggest that you continue to see your counsellor, try to eat well, get your sleep (you may need a sleep aid to help), and SEE A LAWYER!!!!
Go into "The Healing Library" (top left side of the page) and read up on the 180. It's time to take control of your situation. The longer you let him control how you feel and what you do to in your own life the harder it will be for you. A lawyer will advise you regarding your rights, his responsiblities finacially and for his kids, and give you some ammunition to fight back and get your life in order.
In the meantime, come to SI often, read lots, post, post, post....there is a wealth of wonderful advice, love and support on SI because we are have either been there, or are right there with you......
Hang in are not losing your mind, what you are feeling are quite normal feelings for someone whose whole world has been ripped apart.....HUGS

byod02 posted 8/18/2013 12:13 PM

Thank you for the quick replies. I'll check out the healing library right now.

I have an attorney. I had to hire one in May since he filed for a divorce. :(

nowiknow23 posted 8/18/2013 12:22 PM

Welcome, byod. So sorry you have reason to be here, but glad you found us.

You may want to check out the Divorce/Separation forum. Lots of veterans there who can help you through the process and all the emotions and challenges that come with it.

Big hugs.

movingforward777 posted 8/18/2013 12:24 PM

It's very important to take good care of yourself! You need to make him come to his senses and spend time with his kids. You need a break too, and having a regular visitation schedule set up will allow for that. It is too bad if it is an interruption in his "lovely new life", but he has responsibilities and needs to live up to them.
You will find that once you start the 180 he will be quite surprised that you are no longer begging him to come home, and an emotional mess (at least around him).
Straighted up your backbone and fight back...your lawyer will guide you through the process of ensuring that he has to support his kids.
Don't let him keep you "on the hook"'s "shit or get off the pot" time and he needs to realize that your are not going to be kept an emotional mess, looking after the kids, house and everything else while he is out living the life of Riley!

painpaingoaway posted 8/18/2013 12:56 PM

Oh, and if you have not yet been tested for STD's, get tested ASAP.

kernel posted 8/18/2013 13:25 PM

((byod02) Sweetie, there are lots of us here that were in the same situation. My X did something very similar to me - moved out, did't want to be married any more, etc. The only difference is that he has a serious heart condition and I really thought depression was the cause. Of course, he played that little scenario for all it was worth. Four months later I found out the truth - he had been cheating for the past 8 months. Eerily similar.

He did not file for divorce right away as he had a nasty little plan he was working. After 6 months, his MOW would leave her spouse and they would magically meet each other and be in love and the whole world would be so happy for them. Too damn bad her BS caught them via sexting messages on her phone. I made him file for divorce, because I felt that the one who killed the marriage should be the one to finish it off.

Sweetie, what go me through the whole divorce process (another 9 months) was to channel my anger and use it do the things I needed to. I hired a lawyer, got all my financial ducks in a row, put the house up for sale, sold it, found a rental, moved, held it together for my youngest DD (in college at that time) so that she could take a semester abroad, etc. I was NOT going to lose my shit in any way that he would ever see or know about.

I cried a lot, I ate my misery away (bad, bad move that I'm still working off), racked up way too much credit card debt trying to maintain the lifestyle I had for my daughter's sake. Another stupid move I'm still paying for.

Finally, and I'm talking 3 years post- divorce, I am really, truly moving on. I KNOW in my heart and in my head that I am done with him. No more wishing or hoping and hardly ever thinking about him. I'm out of the cocooning, hermit stage I was in for so long, and I'm learning who I am again. It's scary but it's also energizing.

Please take care of yourself and your kids and get help from anyone you are close to - friends, relatives, pastor, IC. Don't make the mistakes I did - exercise and practice healthy eating and watch out for the credit cards!

Keep posting here and reading. It was a life-saver for me and it really helps.


[This message edited by kernel at 1:26 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]

mandan66 posted 8/18/2013 14:01 PM


Just as {kernel) said: sweetie, just hang in there. My scenario was just like yours, only some gender reversal. But the same, pathetic story, which for about 6 months I tried to work with. The same crazy rewrite of our marital history, no remorse (a little regret)crazy nonsensical statements, and an absolute disregard for the children. And now, almost a year in, we will be divorced in one month, and I can't wait!
No doubt, it is an unbelievable hammer blow to the self-esteem to get unceremoniously dumped, especially when there is a devious background to it.
You know what was the best thing for me? Doing the 180. It allowed me to ignore her, focus solely on me and my kids, see my own faults clearly, and decide what I wanted my own life to look like going forward. And what it looks like is that I am going to be a helluva lot happier without my former crazymaker. Will I be poorer? Absolutely! Lonely at times? Yes. But what I discovered is that when I'm feeling sad or lonely, its not for her.
As I think kernel said, channeling some anger (lots of it) can be very beneficial in helping you move forward. Nothing wrong with holding on to some hatred to get you through this, I don't care what anyone tells you.
Who knows---maybe the two of you can sort this out. But you need to take him out of the equation. Start working on whats best for you and your children going forward. An emotionally happy you will make for happy children.
Hang in there! Post often---there are/were lots of us in the same boat you are in. And we have survived, and so will you.

womaninflux posted 8/18/2013 14:10 PM

Hugs to you BYOD.

I hope by now you have:

- been tested for STD
- sought legal counsel for your situation.
- received some IC.

Unfortunately, as I am learning in therapy for being co-dependent, the behavior of the WS is not something any of us can control.

Have you read about the "180" in the Healing Library on this site? It's very helpful. Basically, do the opposite of everything you are doing. Stop playing nice. Be civil but that is it. Stop acting like you care and start healing so that no matter what happens, you can move on from this horrible experience. Focus on yourself - get massages, pedicures, exercise, re-organize, etc. Work on yourself (but don't take responsibility for his bad behavior and choices...not your fault at all!!!!).

That's the best advice I can offer. Good luck to you! Check in again soon...I'll be thinking of you.

Alexa posted 8/18/2013 14:15 PM

You need to show him that you are strong and that you will get over him even if it's fake for now. Believe me, you will get through this difficult time. As someone said to me, you need to put on your bitch boots and show him who's in charge. Who knows, if he sees you moving on he may do a 180 but don't count on it. Right now he's probably content to keep string you along. Don't let him do it. Be strong for your kids and take care of yourself.

Thefly559 posted 8/18/2013 18:09 PM

byod02 , of course I am really sorry you are here and so far you have gotten great advice. Be prepared to find out a lot more info as time goes on ,at least for me that happened and our stories are extremely similar except it was my wife who did exactly what your husband did. I know the pain of no remorse or reconcile . I can remember days of physical pain from the emotional pain. If I can give any advice at all in addition to the others it is to read and journal . Go pick up the book "not just friends" by Shirley Glass or "First aid for the betrayed" by Richard Allen these books will help you understand the thinking of your husband and will hopefully make you realize this has nothing to do with you or me . Maybe the relationship differences did but not the infidelity. Take care of you and kids first .No offense but as a woman you have a lot of power in these situations , more than you think . Use it and the anger and draw the line in the sand that says you will not go back with someone who treats you like that ! That guy you married is gone along with my stbxw and so many others.At least that's what I did. I wish you the best and once again I am sorry

crazynot posted 8/19/2013 00:17 AM

I'm another one like you, and it felt so lonely. My STBX showed no remorse EVER, rewrote the entire history of our relationship, and after a year of HELL (we'd been married 24 years, two kids 15 and 18 then) he ran off to be with her. He is still there. I will never forget the pain, but I DID get through it and am now in a happier life than I ever thought possible. I stopped loving him. You have a rough year or so ahead of you, but I recommend detaching your self from him as much as possible - that's what will help you get through. And absolutely treasure your friends... mine are what gave me back my self esteem. This situation you're in is more common that you'd think from reading these boards. And sometimes when people think there's remorse it turns out badly for them too. There is very little good about the end of a marriage, but a lot to be said for a clean break.

newlysingle posted 8/19/2013 00:25 AM

I was in your shoes too. My STBX has never shown an ounce of remorse, maybe some guilt, but not remorse. He told me that he was done with the marriage and that OW was special and "worth it". He walked out of our lives and hasn't looked back. He is now shacked up with OW and planning a future with her.

It hurt like hell in the beginning and still hurts, but I'm realizing now that he actually gave me a gift. Since he left, I've really had time to reflect on our marriage and see it for what it was. I was definitely wearing rose colored glasses. It wasn't awful, but there were a lot of red flags that I ignored.

His leaving with no remorse forced me to do the 180 and to move on. I'm now almost 6 months out and very close to our divorce being finalized. I can't wait to be divorced at this point. I can honestly say now that I'm happier without him. I enjoy having the house to myself and have really grown close to my children. I have so many wonderful family members and friends that have rallied around me, it has been humbling. I realize that these people love me and have always loved me more than he did. He is selfish, insecure and spineless. I deserve so much more.

You are still in a very raw state at this point, but the anger will come. The anger is what will propel you forward. I am honestly grateful that he didn't want to R at this point. I know that it would have just prolonged the inevitable and probably would have caused myself a lot more harm. I'm glad that he forced me to move on. Now, OW is stuck with his pathetic ass. I still hate her, but I feel sorry for her at the same time. She has no idea who she's gotten herself involved with.

Nature_Girl posted 8/19/2013 01:00 AM

I'm like you in that my STBX did not really try to R. He only got angrier at me and more secretive once DDay happened. He blamed everything on me and still does.

There are lots here like you and me. You'd need to come down to the S/D forum to see for yourself.

ideservebetter45 posted 8/19/2013 10:05 AM

I could have written sucks

strongerdaybyday posted 8/19/2013 10:35 AM

Everyone in my life says to get over him, he's a jerk.

I HATE this "advice". Yes - I get people are angry for you but you don't just "get over" being betrayed by the person you love most.

I'm sorry you had to find your way to this site, and I can't offer you more insight then what's already been offered to you by other members. But just know you're in a supportive place and as painpaingoaway mentioned - PLEASE read up on the 180 - it helped me a great deal. (((hugs)))

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 10:36 AM, August 19th (Monday)]

MediumRare posted 8/19/2013 13:38 PM

She is still very much in the picture.

There is your answer in it's most pure, simply form...

In a nutshell, you are complaining about how a heroine addict acts when they are high on heroine, yet puzzled why this isn't changing while he's got a needle in his arm (OW).

The hot and cold is when he tries to stay off the needle, but then his withdrawal makes him miserable, so he then has to hate you and go back to the heroine.

This is why you must 180 him and pull the rug out from under him. He cannot come back to the marriage with this needle still in his arm and there is no room for this heroine in your marriage, and finally it's up to YOU to make that clear (hence what the 180 truly is).

Cake eating is basically an addict looking for someone (their BS) to create a hammock they can swing in between taking a dose of their affair heroine. Allowing any kind of emotional or physical support, or even being there one bit and you're giving them that enablement for their issues.

Will he be strong enough to give up the needle long enough to where the withdrawal symptoms wane, THEN be willing to work on himself to figure out why he was dumb enough to pick up the needle in the first place so as it will never happen again? Well, you wont know either of these answers until YOU basically dump his ass on the street, 180 hard and proceed forward with the divorce proceedings. Your marriage and your relationship with him must become his personal "rock bottom" if you want to help at all with him dropping the needle.

Good luck!

[This message edited by MediumRare at 1:42 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

byod02 posted 8/19/2013 14:31 PM

Wow, thanks for all the replies.

A lot to think about. He is totally cake eating and I need to get a backbone and stop it.

I have an attorney, I am in counseling and I have been tested for STDs twice.

I'm going to read the 180s again and again and again.

He said again yesterday he "still doesn't know what he wants" and instead of giving me false hope it's starting to piss me off.

This is his family! Not a buffet. How could he not know what he wants? Poor thing. Grrrr

pregnantandsad posted 8/19/2013 14:32 PM

I know how you are feeling, it seems like every story I read on here the WS wants to try and R.

My WH and I got in a small argument about housework and suddenly he was done with the marriage, wants a divorce, no MC, he is just done. We have a 4 year old daughter and a baby on the way too.

For a couple weeks I felt so confused by his behavior, then sure enough I checked phone records, found out he has been talking more and more to a girl (22, we are both 30-31) he works with. 3 weeks after he said he wanted a divorce, I caught him at her house and he has been living there ever since. I have since had to put my house up for rent, move my daughter and myself into my parents house and prepare for having this baby alone. I have tried to do NC but of course kept getting weak and calling/texting him, trying to see if he would wake up and try to save our marriage and family. This last week has been the hardest, it's finally hitting me that the person I thought would always loves me now doesn't even care about me and is with someone else.

This past weekend I finally started to see that I don't deserve to be treated like this, and even if his fog did lift, do I really want to be with someone that could do something so horrible? I am trying really hard to do the 180 for myself and get myself into a healthy state of mind, move on and be happy. Deep down I do know I will be better off in the long run, it's just very hard to see that at times.

Good luck to you, I know you will get through this.

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