We went for about 6 months after D-Day 1. He lied to the therapist about the nature of the A...and also hid that there had been a preceding A.
MC was...fine. I did get a few positive things out of it for myself, mostly that her suggestions started my journey in yoga and mediation. We made some progress on the communication front - mostly setting boundaries around difficult conversations. I think we are calmer/fairer communicators overall - some of this is owed to MC, but a lot of it is our own individual work in our own personal ways.
We stopped going because of scheduling conflicts.
Then D-Day 2 happened. MC wasn't even on my radar. I'm a firm believer (now) that IC is far more important. And I hadn't committed to R anyway.
Now we're going. And my IC suggested that we outline really firm goals for what we want to get out of MC. To set the direction, especially since we've both had previous MC and 8 months of intensive IC. We're not newbies. We have the ability to walk in and set the tone, the goals (with input and guidance, of course).
For me, with the first MC - i just went in because I was desperate. Not necessarily to save the M (hadn't committed to R fully then either), but just to have someone listen to me, to him, and give us some sort of direction, even if I was in limbo. And so the MC directed - and we sort of hopped around and sometimes I didn't know what we were trying to accomplish. I'd rather that didn't happen.
What were/are some of your specific goals for MC? What did you hope to get out of it?
ETA: We'll probably do weekly or twice weekly therapy through the end of the year (it is covered by insurance and we've hit our max this year, so we're going to cram in as much as possible) and then back off to less frequency after the new year. Just to give you a sense of what we have to work with here, which is about 4 solid months.
[This message edited by RockyMtn at 3:34 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]
What is he doing? 8 months sober. AA. Weekly IC for that time, too. SI member. Remorseful. That's the only reason I'm considering MC.
Lots of stuff comes from W's IC - she just tells me she wants to discuss an issue but doesn't want to tell me what it is. Seems fair - one of our uses for MC is to discuss things with MC's protection that we're afraid to discuss together, without MC.
So while I cannot recommend goals, I can offer what we got out of it that was the most beneficial:
We learned out to fight. We learned what happened to each of us, physiologically, when we had a problem to address. Very handy.
The MC had my back when the affair came out as to accountability, openness, transparency, etc. Helpful.
He helped us navigate seeing each other as individuals and not extensions of ourselves. Probably a common problem in the long married, and we needed to extract ourselves in order to see each other again.
Helped me find respect for him and his changes.
Helped me listen to him. I needed to make changes, period, unrelated to his affair. I learned to get out of my own way, lower some walls, and be able to let go some old pain.
I hope you find it a good use of your time, Rocky.
One goal I have to address issues of control/power. I think that WH felt a bit controlled by me leading up the the As. Not because I intended that - but I'm outgoing, directive, etc. and also the person who handled finances, childcare (and he was lazy about those things). I think control/power plays a big role in As. Anyway, post-A, I want to have a healthy balance - and ensure that I don't seek out power NOW because I am the "faithful one" and I don't want him to feel he is powerless because he made shitty choices.
In between sessions, we note issues that come up and that we can't resolve on our own.
Good idea. But we did this with last MC and it felt like we spent the whole session on what came up that week - instead of on longer-range issues (the A, addiction, etc.) But I think it is important nonetheless.
[This message edited by RockyMtn at 5:25 PM, August 19th (Monday)]