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Jpapageorge posted 8/18/2013 16:04 PM

F*** me runnin’. I just drove home from the store and saw sheit’s car parked on the side of the street. I realize it is a public street. I realize it is one of the “main” thoroughfares for my neighborhood. I realize I have no say in what sheit does, where sheit goes or who sheit visits. But this is MY F**KING neighborhood. My three year old niece lives just two blocks from where sheit’s car is parked. My 15 year old niece, who saw my pain when sheit dumped me like a worn out toy, lives just four blocks from where sheit’s car is parked. I f***ing live just eight blocks from where sheit’s car is parked. None of us(my old sister, me, my brother and SIL, my brother and his two kids, my lil sister, BIL and their daughter) can get to the grocery store without driving past sheit’s car.

Why the f*** is this bothering me? Why the f*** do I want to go back and park down the street to see who sheit is visiting? Why the f*** do I feel the need to hide out in my house just to avoid the possibility of running into sheit? Why the f***, after everything sheit has done to me and after every lie sheit has told about me, do I allow sheit to be anything more than a footnote in my life story? Why the f*** am I having a mini anxiety attack just from seeing sheit’s car? Why the f*** didn’t I buy some Ben and Jerry’s Toffee Coffee Crunch while I was at the store so I could drown my anguish. Why the f*** do I impose limits on the number of curse words I use.

Good golly Miss Molly, it’s going to be a long night at work if this doesn’t pass.

Ashland13 posted 8/18/2013 16:19 PM

I'm really sorry, PapaGeorge.

Your post sounds like maybe you have anger right now and have to find a way to work through it. I hope it's okay to say that.

Anger is also energy and I understand and have also tried to do some active things -exercise type-when it comes.

Anger also sometimes makes us impulsive and I know how you feel. I have to hear Nearly Exh's car drive off to Floozy land every couple days after his visit to DD. It used to make me ache and now makes me gag.

I know what you mean about the eating under stress, I do it too but don't have good judgment when the anger or stress comes with food.

I hope that you'll get through this spell soon and hope your niece won't see the car. The one thing Nearly Exh did was choose an OW who lives hours away. I hear stories like yours from friends who are fellow BS's who have similar situations as you do.

One has the OW show up at her door, yard and neighborhood, without sign of remorse. Just kind of parades around.

Jpapageorge posted 8/18/2013 16:45 PM

It is definitely OK to say I might have anger because it is ana accurate statement. The anger I have is entirely directed toward myself. My logical mind tells me I should be well past allowing sheit to have any impact on my life but the the emotional part of my mind is doing flips and twists about a car. It's a fricken inanimate object and I am allowing it to negatively impact my day. I am angry that I cannot "Spock" away these feelings and the associated physical symptoms.

But Ben and Jerry's is sooooo good.

I am so self-centered at times, I actually make myself believe that my niece would even recognize sheit's car.

The thing that makes today tough is that, from what I heard, sheit lives about 10 miles via two different freeways away and, if I ever have to be near where I last heard she was staying, I can be emotionally prepared.

Just to be clear, I am hiding out in my house until it is time for me to go to work and I will not be going anywhere near the store today.

wildbananas posted 8/19/2013 13:04 PM

I know what you mean, j... I still get in knots if I have to deal with ex-asshat or xso. Not to get all pop psych on you, I think it's normal to have that sort of reaction to someone who causes us a huge amount of trauma.

Just remember, if you ever need someone to whack you on the nose and say "NO!", I'm your girl.

silverhopes posted 8/19/2013 13:13 PM

I'm sorry, Jpapa, that sucks big time. Totally makes sense - it's your neighborhood and she's not welcome. Definitely buy and enjoy some Toffee Crunch Ice Cream. Hope she and the anxiety go away soon. Hang in there.

wildbananas posted 8/19/2013 13:38 PM

BTW, remember, it could be worse... she could live five doors down from you, like xso did to me for about a year.

DeadMumWalking posted 8/19/2013 13:50 PM

((((jpapa))))

Hang in there, I'm so sorry you are separated from your pals B & J.....

nowiknow23 posted 8/19/2013 14:02 PM

Logic schmogic. Traumatic crap leaves traumatic scars that defy such left-brained ideals like "I shouldn't care" and "it doesn't matter."

If I were nearby, I'd straighten out the B&J supply chain issues for you. Instead, I'm chuffing you on the shoulder from afar.

Jpapageorge posted 8/19/2013 15:00 PM

Thanks guys.

One of the things I have been overthinking ( me overthink?) is whether my not worrying about sheit nor her life is because I have had zero contact for so long. I worry that I have not healed as much as I thought. To use a strange analogy: It is easy to maintain celibacy if you are cloistered in a monastery.

WB, I have broken two rubberbands snapping my wrist since yesterday so no nose whacking is neccessary. Given how I felt yesterday, you are a much stronger person than I am for living that close to the trash dump.

Silver, I have managed to avoid Ben and Jerrys so I think the immediate meltdown threat has passed.

DMW, sometimes hanging in there means not talking to friends who want to lead you down the primrose path of Coffee Toffee Crunch and Chocolate Therapy.

Empress, you bruised my shoulder, thank you.

I got to wake up this morning so I am lucky and it proves that, although it felt like it yesterday, seeing sheit's car is not the end of my world.

Slight t/j: It seems that rubber bands used to have more staying power, I have been through two and my wrist isn't even red.

wildbananas posted 8/19/2013 15:45 PM

Guess we need to up your game there... what's the step after rubber bands?

selkiescot posted 8/19/2013 15:46 PM

Deepe breaths !

Sad in AZ posted 8/19/2013 15:53 PM

I had to move hundreds (if not thousands) of miles away so I would not run into either one of them. Every time I see a King Ranch edition F-350, my breath catches. It's an involuntary reaction.

If I had not moved away so quickly, perhaps I could have 'innoculated' myself by exposing my psyche to their presence and over time build up an immunity. Hindsight...

Don't sweat it; it's just a reaction. Now that it's identified, it can be dealt with. I have faith...

Jpapageorge posted 8/19/2013 17:19 PM

Selkie, I have to admit breathing is slightly easier today. I always tell others to just remember to breathe, I guess it is high time I took my own advice.

SAz, is it OK that I want sheit to move thousands of miles away? I have tried a combination of innoculation and cold turkey, I hope this is just a momentary relapse and I can get back to normalcy. Thank you for your faith.

5454real posted 8/19/2013 17:27 PM

Sure wish we could pick and choose our triggers. Sorry you were hurting.

Given the title of your thread, I was wondering what would be under general regarding mushrooms.

Stay strong. This too shall pass.

Jrazz posted 8/31/2013 02:13 AM

Shoot, how did I just see this? Crapped out back is no excuse.

I'm sorry that after all this time you have to be whisked back to all that garbage. I hope that since it's been a week you've already forgotten about it.

Except for the fact that I'm drudging it back up now.

Hopefully she has no more business in your neighborhood and can keep to her own empty, lame existence.

Well, the next round of ice cream is on me. Hugs, friend.

ETS - Whoops, no hugs! I mean fist-bump of solidarity.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 2:15 AM, August 31st (Saturday)]