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Emotional affair hurts

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Eyeofthetiger posted 8/18/2013 16:42 PM

8 weeks ago my husband of 4 years left me. We have been together since HS (10 years) we hve 2 kids. He owns his own business and I have my career. One day we got in a fight and I told him to leave for the night. This apparently made him snap and he left for good a week later. Throughout this 8 weeks I have been keeping a close eye on his phone and text usage. The first day I saw a number in his text history and it was a lot so I asked about it and he said it was his friend. I didn't see this number again and no other numbers were frequent. But something inside of me told me there was more to this than just snapping and being unhappy.

Background: we got pregnant at 20 married at 23 second child at 24. He started his own business 2 years ago and I started my career shortly after. This past year has been very busy and we have argued about him not respecting my time and missing dinner most nights.

The other day I went back to the cell records and noticed that the original number I saw was in the text usage 3 weeks prior to him leaving. From June 1-June 26 there were daily texts sent back and forth. Day and night. And I mean 7am-1am every hour. So basically I could of been sitting right next to him and he was texting her. I confronted him about it and he still said it was his friend joe. I looked up the number and paid the fee toget a name of the cell and it was in fact a female. I confronted again and told him if he didnt tell me what happened then I would just find a way to get the text transcripts. He finally admitted that he had been talking with her. She was easy to talk to and I wasnt giving him attention. He still claims nothing else happened (I don't believe that right now).

I feel like a pathetic woman because even though I hate him right now and couldn't imagine being around him, I still have this hope that our marriage can be saved.

I called him today to ask him to come by so he can tell me the story start to finish. I have these questions that cause so much anxiety. I asked if he still wanted a divorce, he said I think that's all that's left now. I said say yes or no and he said yes. He says he stopped talking to her shortly after he left because he knew it was wrong.

I hate him right now but I still want my marriage to work. He says he doesn't love me anymore. I don't know how to get over ALL of this.

Any advice is welcome.

Thefly559 posted 8/18/2013 18:45 PM

I am sorry you are here but we are all in this club that nobody wants to be in. It sounds to me although its hard to swallow that your husband is having an affair.Where did he go for a week? no contact? What does your gut tell you? I also was with my stbxw since high school and 2 yrs before I caught her I just had a feeling in my gut , you see a change but as I did, you probably ignored or blew it off. I would like to recommend the book "Not just Friends " by Shirley glass. Read it I think it will help.He definatly does not want a divorce because of bickering at dinner He should not be disrespecting you like that and talking to another woman. If you want him back than let him go and play his game maybe he will realize what he lost but I would not get my hopes up.Get a lawyer as soon as possible and stay as strong as can be expected. For me the shock was unbearable in the beginning I made a lot of mistakes I regret and was too much of a wuss lol. So try not to be a wuss. I hope my advice helped a little good luck and once again I am sorry

emotionalgirl posted 8/18/2013 18:59 PM

Hi "eye..." Welcome to SI as everyone told me it is the place nobody wants to be but that everyone is glad they found. You will find many similar stories here mine included. My WH and I met when I was 19 married within 6 months and have been married 25 yrs. a month before our first D day I noticed he was getting texts from someone who he claimed was his friend using his girlfriends phone. My WH has always been an honest loving guy, so I had no reason to doubt. Needless to say, long story short he has been having an EA that has been going on since May. 3 times he has sworn that he has cut of contact and 3 times I have found out it s a lie and he is still seeing her. He has told me that he isn't happy and she really listens to him and that I don't. I told him to get a f' in counsellor. I can't get the whole story and even if I do he has lied so much he doesn't even know the truth anymore. I am seeing an IC and would recommend you do the same. My WH refuses marriage counselling and is putting it all on me...I am being unreasonable monitoring him and not trusting him. I too do not know if this EA has at anytime crossed the line. Whatever you do get tested for STD's and do not have any physical relationship with him until he willingly gets tested and shows you the results. I am doing the 180 starting today (you will find info about it in the healing library) I would recommend you read it and consider. For me it is about making whole in heart body and mind.i want our marriage to work also, but I can not control him or his feelings. I am a strong and successful person in my own right, he will be lost without me if our marriage fails ( his friends and family tell him so ). Good luck to you, coming here helps in dealing with ALL the stuff you are going through.

Eyeofthetiger posted 8/18/2013 20:17 PM


He just left here. I asked him to tell me everything that happened front start to finish if it really was over.

He said she contacted him to fix her car. He did. A month later he got a text from her and it all unfolded. They were texting day and night about day today stuff. Nothing ever got physical he only saw her two or three times when she would stop by and say hi. He told her a week or so after he left to stop texting because things were going on with his wife and it was wrong. I have not seen the number in the phone usage since June 26. He said she tried texting a couple other times after and he just said stop.

He was sobbing. I told him I didn't know if I believed him because he has been lying for months. He cried more. He has maybe cried 4 times in the past 10 years.

Not sure what to believe. Not sure it really matters right now anyways.

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