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3eyedcrow posted 8/18/2013 16:51 PM

I have been married to my wife for about three years and our child is about three years old. I have not been faithful to my wife roughly our entire marriage. I've cheated on her many times by means of phone apps, email, and even a job at a nightclub I had on weekends. I was a VERY convincing liar and she was under the comforting understanding that our relationship was more honest than most. She was never jealous ad I completely took advantage of that trust. I had many online contacts as well as some women that I would meet with. One woman I spent time with at a cabin my family had used in the past. One woman was a friend to both of us. Most were completely unknown to my wife. Most women I told that I was married, but our marriage was not monogamous. This acted as a safety net as well as a way to get what I wanted without having to hide my marriage. I had become very good at emotionally compartmentalizing the two parts of myself. I never vocalized or thought thoroughly about the consequences of what I was doing. After each act I would be in a pit of guilt to an extreme that I would become nauseous and lightheaded, but would snap out of it when I came home.
About three weeks ago I was caught. I was with someone after work at the club and I lost track of time. My wife was about to start calling hospitals. Whenever I told her that I had had too much to drink and passed out at the club afterhours, she had then told me that she already called the club. Caught. I came home and fessed up, but only about that night and two other instances. The next night she had discovered my secret email which blew everything wide open. Over the next 48 hours, I told all. I had nowhere else to hide. She was devastated and I think we were both in shock.
She has not kicked me out, but I sleep across the hall. We both recognize that we're most likely facing the problems of sex addiction. The infidelity does not hurt her as badly as the lies. She isn't ready to leave me. We have attended counseling together twice now which helps and I plan on seeing a therapist soon who specializes in sex addiction. I've completely committed myself to total transparency and want to help my wife the best I can through the trauma I'm putting her through. Lately it has been easy for my wife and I to fall back into old, good habits. Albeit punctuated my anger, grief, mistrust, and sadness.
I love my wife more than anything and want to make things right. I need to own these mistakes as well as understand my issues. I have to pay for the things I have done, but I don't know how. Nor do I even suspect that is for me to decide. I truly, truly, do not deserve how good I have things.

Iíve left out lots of stuff, mostly so my post isn't too long, which It probably already is. Any input, specifically from someone who has been through anything similar, would be helpful. And please, go easy on the shorthand. It's too much for my little brain to decipher.

MovingUpward posted 8/19/2013 09:09 AM

While I don't have any experiences to share, I wanted to welcome you to SI. This was a good step to take.

There is lots of hard work ahead and as long as you can keep the attitude of "I love my wife more than anything and want to make things right." You will be on the best path to making things right.

startingover62 posted 8/19/2013 23:57 PM

You sound open, communicative and ready to work on your own stuff. I think this is a good sign for your future wherever you land.

Speaking for myself, my SA behavior thrived in secrecy, fantasy, and narcissistic roots. The best antidote is emotional literacy and honest talking.

A good and not expensive source of help would be group meetings of SAA. They offer experience, strength, and hope. It helps to have re

startingover62 posted 8/20/2013 00:01 AM

oops sent before I was done-

It helps to have nonjudgemental people to talk to.

Good luck with your path in growth.


babbs posted 8/20/2013 00:53 AM

Well I too took advantage of a very trusting spouse. I did it with 2 affairs over the course of a 6 year marriage. The first within a year of marriage;/ and am trying to convince my betrayed H that I do love him and always have. I compartmentalized as I am reading and dealt with guilt in a different way than most.

I can tell you that 3 weeks in is just the begining and you are going to see your sweet trusting wife change before your very eyes. Be open honest and tell her what you want moving forward. She'll likely not believe you at all for some time... you will grieve the loss of a trusting and loving spouse as well.

I'm 4 months in to this "hell" and there are days I'm suffocating with guilt... you'll experience a lot of that too. It sounds like you're on the right track. If your wife does give you a chance to make things right, don't mess it up.

Good luck
Me WW 35
BH 33
dday 4/1/13

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